My husband and I got married a year and a half ago and we are deeply in love, however, we’ve seem to have headed into unfamiliar territory and it’s upsetting to both of us. We used to fight infrequently, and lately all we do is bicker. I am saddened that there is this distance between us right now because I know how much we really do love and care for each other.
I need some help finding communication tools that will be useful for us. Lately, my husband has been telling me little white lies. They are small things such as telling me that he watched the game with his buddy, when in actuality he went to the game with his buddy.
Or, he'll tell me that he'll be home at 6 and then he will come home but then leave again for a dinner meeting. The latest and greatest was that he was going to a meeting with clients, but really he was meeting his clients at a casino to gamble. He claims they were doing business there. Hey, maybe they were, but that just isn't the same as the whole truth.
Like I said, these aren’t big lies, but why can't he just tell me what he's really doing? I feel like he’s thinks I am going to be upset so he just leaves out the details. If he only knew that omitting the full truth is what is really upsetting to me. Why doesn’t he want to talk to me anymore? We used to be best friends and I want to get that back. Also, do you think the lies are going to get bigger? Trust Me Trista
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Dear Trust Me Trista
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Women tend to have floral vocabularies and can talk for hours while men feel bothered and bogged down by details and minutia. But you are right, you guys need to figure out what language each other is speaking to have a successful marriage where you can feel secure and trust each other.
I would suggest going in for a few sessions of couples counseling. You are perceptive enough to have your problem targeted - and really all that you need is for someone to observe and then referee your communication styles. Be sure and let the therapist know that you only plan on coming in for a few sessions and that you would like to focus on finding ways to help talk to each other before your problems get bigger.
There definitely seems to be a distance between you two right now. Before you go to counseling do a little bit of work on yourself and try to own up to your end of the conversation. Do you often jump to conclusions or get angry when your husband wants to have some fun without you? Are you more controlling than you'd like to be? Knowing your own downfalls will not only surprise him, but it will help you emotionally prepare for constructive criticism which can sometimes be painful.