Should I Marry Someone Who's Not My Best Friend?

"Should I Still Marry Him Even If He's Not My Best Friend?"

April 25, 2012

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been to many many weddings where the bride will always quote, "I'm so happy I'm marrying my best friend."

I am getting married in exactly 12 months, and I am having second thoughts. I've dated my best friend a couple of years ago. We dated for roughly 8 years and it was a bad breakup. We haven't really spoken since, but I always wonder "what if . . . " We were each other's first for everything, and it's extremely hard to forget him. Even after all these years apart.

I love my fiancé, and I can't see myself without him, but he's not my best friend! I feel like that's wrong, and he should be my best friend for me to marry him!

Have you married someone who is not your best friend?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Source: Thinkstock

12 Comments

mnp 1 year 3 weeks

I agree with GTCB and myfaircady. The "marrying my best friend" thing is a non-issue. Not all relationships are the same; and, not everyone marries their best friend. My fiance is nothing like my best friends and I love him every bit for it. If I want to gab about celebrity gossip and need advice on what to wear, I'd ask my own bff. Of course, steph1234 is right about how good relationships should have aspects of friendships. This is should be what really matters.

myfaircady 1 year 3 weeks

If you're only having doubts because he's not your best friend, then I don't think it's a big deal. I'm very happy to say that when I get married next year, it's not to my best friend. My fiance is certainly my friend, but my best friend is completely different. I would never want him to be my best friend. He also has his own best friend. We like it that way.

steph1234 1 year 3 weeks

my concern is mainly for the fact that you are having second thoughts. If you have doubts..then don't do it....but if it is just because of something said in a wedding speach, then maybe you shouldn't over analyze your situation. My husband is my best friend. We were best friends before we ever dated....But maybe this is different for everyone like gtcb said. However, it is important for a married couple to have aspects of a great friendship, such as: trust, ability to communicate well, respect, love, ability to share anything with each other, shared interests, religious, political, moral beliefs, etc. Don't compare your relationship with anyone else's relationship, but make sure it is right for you and for him. Good luck!

GTCB 1 year 3 weeks

Never understood the best friend thing... I do not think it is necessary that your spouse be your best friend. That's just a cliche statement that sounds cute during a wedding speech. Big deal - say something else. Your spouse is not your friend, they are your spouse. Your life-partner. What makes someone your best friend does not make them your spouse. Both my wife and I have people we consider our best friends and its not each other and we're happily married. This is only an issue if you make it one. Otherwise, good luck and congrats.

chasta 1 year 3 weeks

I think the question I would ask myself is, why is he not my best friend? And are those qualities that are absent going to have a negative impact on our relationship? For me I think the qualities that I look for in a partner include all the ones I look for in a best friend (in addition to more obviously). Also, I want to be his best friend too and I can't expect to be his if he's not mine. As far as your feelings about your ex go, I have to agree with the above posters. Most of us have some sort of feelings for our first loves but if you're unable to look at it as the past and move past any regrets then that really needs to be sorted out before making commitments.

BiWife 1 year 3 weeks

I'm with the ladies above and concerned more with whether you are actually over your ex rather than whether your current beau is your best friend. You can't have a healthy marriage if you're going to be constantly wondering "what if" in regards to an ex.

luckyduckyy 1 year 3 weeks

I don't think boyfriends and girlfriends need to be best friends for the relationship to work, or for it to be complete. My boyfriend and I, however, do happen to be best friends. I am his #1 and he is mine. We just clicked that way. But I think it's wrong to generalize and assume that boyfriends and girlfriends must be best friends no matter what. I do have a question for you, though. Who is your best friend? From your post, it seems as though you still consider your ex-bf to be your best friend even though you two haven't seen each other or spoken with each other in years. How is it that he can still be your best friend? How is it that a man who (from the sound of your post) broke your heart, and exited your life, takes the spot of 'best friend' over your fiance who has been there for you, cared for you, loved you, and treated you fairly? How does that make sense to you? I agree with the other posters that you're very wrongfully and unfairly putting your ex on a pedestal. With the passage of time, it's become easier for you to forget all his flaws and all the feelings you had when you two broke up. Were you not heartbroken, hurt, sad, angry, etc? How can those feelings go away? How can you ignore the fact that the relationship failed for a reason? You need to think about this issue A LOT. Go over the good and bad parts of the failed relationship, and try very hard not to boost the 'pros' side to make him look better. Now do the same for your fiance. You are glamorizing the old relationship. It's a dead relationship. It failed. You are currently in a living, very healthy, wonderful relationship. You need to focus on that, and stop dwelling on the past. Your fiance has given you no reason to doubt his affections, has he? Has he given you a reason not to want to spend the rest of your life with him? And also, think to yourself, how would you feel if your fiance were dwelling on a past relationship and thinking what you are thinking now? From that viewpoint, wouldn't you feel hurt and insecure and want him to snap out of it right now?

henna red 1 year 3 weeks

Agreeing with all of the ladies posting so far, words of wisdom here.

henna red 1 year 3 weeks

I have to agree with Pazuzu. You seem to be comparing this man and this relationship with your ex and your past relationship. That's not fair for either one of you. Also, you admit to doubts. I think you know the answer to your question, and you need to take this to your fiance. Unless you can make a break in your own mind, and let the past be past, you're looking for an unhappy time in your life, in this relationship, or any other you may decide to attempt. I would suggest seeing a therapist for some help with this. Getting some strategies for putting this behind you and getting on with your life should be the first thing you do. If you can't do it on your own, then find some help. Don't be embarrassed or shy about this. You want to move forward, and you won't ever do that if you compare everything you have now to everything you had then. Moving forward is a process, a learned behavior, and sometimes we need help to learn.....you have so much emotion connected to your ex that it's muddying everything new. You need a fresh page, so that you and your fiance, and even just you can write a whole new story. good luck to you at this crossroad

Bubbles12 1 year 3 weeks

Could you write more? How could you not be without him and yet he's not your best friend? The ex is unfortunately an ex for a very good reason. He might be on a pedestal now in your psyche to save you from the wrong Mr. Right. In the pantheon on ex-boyfriends my first love is still the one with a biggest mark on my heart and I wish I could say he deserves it -- there were better men. Feelings are what they are. But don't put him on a pedestal. Revisit that fight, something was seriously not good. And then get yourself to a therapist as soon as possible to sort through this marriage you're rushing into. I know it's tempting to get married when it's not all right, but please don't. Marriage is a lot of work, you need the best foundation: best friend, you're happy with the sex, responsible with finances.

Pazuzu 1 year 3 weeks

You shouldn't be engaged to someone if you're hung up on an ex. Before you get married you need to sort out your feelings. Its hard to forget your first but you broke up for a reason and now you need to move on. You'll never be happy if you're thinking about him.

kitty Witty 1 year 3 weeks

well for all girls do not get their best friend's as husbands. in some country like mine even girls are not asked about their choices and you are so lucky that you can choose. ok now listen you need to overcome the situation first. ok you love your fiancé that's fine but i think you are not prepared for getting married why don't you talk to you fiancé about this matter if it is possible and if you think that it will make him understand? one thing is teasing my mind and that is you have mentioned that you love your fiancé but how he can not be your best friend? forget about others what they say during marriage. focus on your self. ask yourself that what actually you want? life is yours no ones gonna lead your life for you. and by the way who fixed up your marriage? did you guys both take this decision ? or just influenced by others?

Link Love

12 Comments

You Might Also Like