Like millions of American women, are you, too, planning on dieting in 2009 as part of your new year's resolution? Well, you can listen to "terrifying imp" Richard Simmons, or you can take advice from the woman I want to be my best friend: Sarah Haskins. Just follow her brilliant tips, like swapping out your usual six pack of beer for dinner for a fifth of whisky. Or better yet, buy her new diet book, Stick It in Your Ear the innovative diet book that guarantees weight loss through sticking food in your ear hole instead of your pie hole. BRILLIANT.