Relationship Protocol: Secrets

April 4, 2008

When people are in serious relationships, the rules for whether they can or should share their friends' secrets are complicated. In one way it seems completely natural, but then again, a secret is a secret, right? If a good friend is in a serious relationship, and I tell her a secret, I assume she’ll tell her significant other — whether she actually does, I don’t know, but I always make that assumption. If it's something that I don't want him to know, then I don't tell her.

But I realize the rules on this differ from person to person. So tell me, if you tell a friend something, do you assume she’ll tell her significant other? And for those of you in a relationship, do you spill the beans to yours? What should the protocol be when it comes to sharing secrets with your significant other?

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Poster of a Girl 5 years 6 weeks

same, i would tell a boyfriend (almost) everything unless specifically told not to tell him either. And I assume the same of my friends.However with my ex, i used to tell him everything, and he would keep his friends' secrets and not tell me, and it really pissed me off! haha

Poster of a Girl 5 years 6 weeks

same, i would tell a boyfriend (almost) everything unless specifically told not to tell him either. And I assume the same of my friends. However with my ex, i used to tell him everything, and he would keep his friends' secrets and not tell me, and it really pissed me off! haha

remedios 5 years 6 weeks

I guess it would depend on what it is, but for the most part, I'll share, unless of course the person says, "You can't tell anyone, not even your hubby." Then I definitely wouldn't. But I guess this thread should make everyone realize that when you say something to a friend, even if you might not be the sharing type, your friend might be so make no assumptions. If you don't want your friend to share with the boyfriend/husband, be explicit about that.

juicylove 5 years 6 weeks

some people i know tell their SO everything, but i just dont tell those people personal things. i wouldnt tell if it was something serious or personal about a friend, and especially not if they specifically told me not to tell him.

JaimeLeah526 5 years 7 weeks

I tell my husband pretty much everything. If it was something that my friend told me not to tell I'd still have a hard time not saying anything. Why would I risk ruining my relationship with my husband (who is my best friend) over something silly like this. If it was something involving his friends or family that my friend didn't want them to know than I wouldn't because I wouldn't want to put him in that position. None of my friends really have significant others to tell my secrets too but if I didn't want people to know I wouldn't tell my secret.

JaimeLeah526 5 years 7 weeks

kiwishe 5 years 7 weeks

If someone tells a "secret", it should be stated as a secret and I expect the other person to state the specific person with whom not to mention it to, otherwise it's fair game. And yes, I do tell my significant other of these "secrets". If it's really a secret, then it should never have been mentioned.

aimeeb 5 years 7 weeks

If I tell a close friend something it is between that person and myself. If I wanted their significant other to know I'd tell them myself. I just think regardless if they've been together forever or not, a secret or things between my friend and myself are just that between the two of us. I do not share my friends secrets with my boyfriend of 4 yrs. It's none of his business. I'd like to think others would feel the same way.

aimeeb 5 years 7 weeks

snowbunny11 5 years 7 weeks

Ugh, the worst secret my boyfriend ever told me was that his friend was cheating on my friend (they are dating each other). I ended up telling her (she is one of my closest friends) and she and her boyfriend were pretty serious and about to graduate college and I didn't want her to make any life decisions without that knowledge. Of course, my friend and her boyfriend didn't break up over this, but my boyfriend and I got into the worst fight EVER about it! Eventually my boyfriend got so sick with his friend's behavior that he stopped hanging out with him. Ironically, I see more of this friend now because my friend is still dating him! I would say in most cases, it's okay not to tell your girlfriend things like that. I don't want to know when his friends cheat on their girlfriends, unless of course that girlfriend happens to be my best friend!

snowbunny11 5 years 7 weeks

Ugh, the worst secret my boyfriend ever told me was that his friend was cheating on my friend (they are dating each other). I ended up telling her (she is one of my closest friends) and she and her boyfriend were pretty serious and about to graduate college and I didn't want her to make any life decisions without that knowledge. Of course, my friend and her boyfriend didn't break up over this, but my boyfriend and I got into the worst fight EVER about it!Eventually my boyfriend got so sick with his friend's behavior that he stopped hanging out with him. Ironically, I see more of this friend now because my friend is still dating him! I would say in most cases, it's okay not to tell your girlfriend things like that. I don't want to know when his friends cheat on their girlfriends, unless of course that girlfriend happens to be my best friend!

maybeimnot 5 years 7 weeks

If we have a mutual friend that doesn't say "don't tell" I will tell him.For others that he doesn't and probably won't ever really talk to (IE work, etc) beyond "hey, nice to meet you" Then I tend to dish more than I "should"

maybeimnot 5 years 7 weeks

If we have a mutual friend that doesn't say "don't tell" I will tell him. For others that he doesn't and probably won't ever really talk to (IE work, etc) beyond "hey, nice to meet you" Then I tend to dish more than I "should"

robinesque 5 years 7 weeks

What's the matter with you people? Men BLAB more than women! I could have my husband SWEAR that what I was about to tell him remain between the two of us. He'd swear. Next day, he will JOKINGLY mention exactly what I asked him the night before, not to!!!!! How else would he have known that little piece of info if I hadn't told him?? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME! Never again!!! When a friend asks you to keep her confidentiality, she usually means your SO included. I consider myself a good friend because of my ability to keep my mouth shut. No one EVER has to ask me not to repeat what they tell me. When you can show your friend that you do not NEED to tell your SO everything she tells you, then you show her your loyalty and maturity. As far as me trusting my friends with MY "secrets", they are the biggest gossips and I tell them NOTHING!!

jodie_ohlala 5 years 7 weeks

Don't ever tell someone everything

rosey_y 5 years 7 weeks

I have a few close girlfriends, and I do assume they'll tell their SOs and sisters (two of them recently lived with their respective sisters). I've been pleasantly surprised though - I've found out inadvertantly that none of them spilled any of the (two very juicy) secrets I've told them. They're keepers. :D

emalove 5 years 7 weeks

I tell my husband a lot, but if a close friend tells me something personal and asks me to keep it to myself, I certainly will.

Le Luxe 5 years 7 weeks

I will tell my man if it's something funny- like funny gossip. Nothing serious though. If I talk serious between friends, its always stays with just me.

emmebeth 5 years 7 weeks

If I'm in a serious relationship I tell the guy almost everything. Unless it would truly hurt my friend.

porkypocky 5 years 7 weeks

i assume it'll get to my friend's SO eventually unless i specify not to tell him.

rpenner 5 years 7 weeks

I assume when I tell a girlfriend something she'll tell her SO. So if I don't want her to then I tell her not too. And they do the same to me. My boy also tells me his friends "secrets". Me and the boy know not to tell anyone else when we tell eachother things our friends say.

Pistil 5 years 7 weeks

I was just talking about this with friends, and we all agreed that we pretty much tell our boyfriends everything. I guess there would be some exceptions, but I know my boyfriend won't say anything.

ella1978 5 years 7 weeks

I tell my BF most everything, except for my friends darkest secrets that they don't want out in public. It doesn't concern our relationship, so I don't consider it hiding something from him.

gummybears123 5 years 7 weeks

i would assume that if i say "don't tell anyone" my friends wouldn't tell anyone not even their significant others. i mean they're two separate people. vice versa if they told me to not tell anyone I would not tell my boyfriend.

almost famous 5 years 7 weeks

Doesn't matter to me...

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