Relationship Protocol: Friends of the Opposite Sex

July 14, 2008

Quite rightly, opinions vary about whether or not men and women can truly be just friends as everyone has encountered different situations from which to draw their point of view. And things only get more complicated when you’re in a relationship.

I’ve always figured that once you’re in a serious relationship, friendships of the opposite sex would naturally fade away. Once you have a special someone it’s hard enough to keep your friends of the same sex, let alone members of the opposite. Maybe it's just a matter of the difference between a casual acquaintance and a true friend. But if so, where do you draw the line? Do you think having any friends of the opposite sex when you’re in a serious relationship is unusual? Or do you think it’s completely normal and reasonable?

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68 Comments

valerie oreilly 1 year 28 weeks

i am just trying to find a friend and i may have been on every web site going trying to find him please help

2 years 37 weeks

I've always had a lot of guy friends more than girls...but never hung out with them often. Sometimes I'd meet up to talk, invite them to a group, and all of that. I've been with my bf for 5 years (two including long distance). Ever since he joined the Army Reserve and moved away with his family, he has become very close friends with a girl from his unit. I'm very uncomfortable with this because they spend every single day together ALL day, work together, and they do just about everything a couple does without kissing, holding hands, and all of that physical stuff. I've met her and I don't think she is trying to get with my bf but I am afraid that this will grow in to something more. She has a fiance in Iraq, and I just think what my bf and her is doing is EXTREMELY disrespectful to the both of us. Hanging out is fine, spending all of your time with the opposite sex is not. I just wish he'd understand how much it hurts. We almost broke up due to this argument but I don't want to lose him. I just wish he'd tone down the friendship or make some guy friends. She's his only friend since he's moved there...*sigh* My bf sucks..

2 years 50 weeks

If you are so insecure you can't trust your significant other to have friends of the opposite sex, you have serious internal problems that have nothing to do with your relationship. This is the saddest discussion I've ever seen - the fact that it's even being discussed shows how pathetic and clingy many people are - looking to drown themselves in another person until their own personality completely disappears - PEOPLE! You can't be happy with someone else until you're happy on your own. Life isn't a Hollywood movie, you have to work at love and life isn't easy, get off the anti-depressants and get used to it. The great irony is all the weak people who push away their friends to appease their controlling mates are the same ones who come crying to immediately when they get dumped. I would never dream of dictating my girlfriend's social life nor she mine. PS: If your mate is going to cheat on you, who they're friends with isn't going to make one bit of difference when they go through with the act. Grow up, welcome to 2010.

3 years 4 weeks

I don't mind my man having female friends as long as they are our friends. I believe that if either of us has friends of the opposite sex those friends she be introduced and she be mutual friends of "OURS" If not then that is where I have a problem.

3 years 44 weeks

I really have a problem with this, (women having male friends)and I am really trying to understand it. So I broke up with my girl over it. Will I regret it? who knows, I am glad that it's over.

3 years 46 weeks

I'm in a serious relationship with a man with trust issues. I also happen to have a best friend who is male. Even though I was completely upfront with my SO about my friend, he got really upset when I spent time with my friend on several occasions. My friend happens to be going through what is probably the worst time in his life and really just needs a friend to talk to right now. I am the world's most trustworthy person, but have been asked to give up my friendship for the sake of the relationship. I really love my SO and the last thing in the world that I want is to hurt him. He is clearly very hurt by my close platonic relationship with my friend and clearly suspects it is otherwise. What do I do? I feel terrible and torn. It goes against everything that I am to dump an excellent friend for nothing he has done, especially when he REALLY needs a friend. I don't want to sneak behind my SO's back and carry on the friendship. I'm in moral hell, here... HELP!

3 years 52 weeks

Very nice site!

Tap Dancing Tom 4 years 17 weeks

I'm a male that's had a close female friend of over 20 years. Although we've never slept with each other or much less kissed for that matter, I have to say it has been detrimental in my finding a real relationship of my own. It took me years to figure this out. It's just not realistic to think you're going to have the same friendship you had with your opposite sex friend when you're in a relationship.I'm running into this now. When I was single, I was always available to her to go out to movies, dinner, concerts, road trips, weddings, baby showers, etc.. In other words, we did all the things that couples do without the sexual element. And even without the sex, no matter how you slice it, it is an intimate relationship with another person. Now that I'm in a serious relationship, there really hasn't been room for both. So yeah, now I do all of the things that I used to do with my friend with my girlfriend, because, well, she's my girlfriend.My friend has a hard time accepting this but I personally don't think it's justified. I don't see how she couldn't see it coming. If she had found a boyfriend, I would have expected the same to happen to me. Her hurt feelings are understandable but she's an adult female she needs to see things from my girlfriend's point of view and the fact that I have to deal with my girlfriend's feelings.I had another female friend who got married and *I* backed away from the friendship out of respect to her husband. I'll talk to her now and then but I don't go out on "dates" with her. I just don't think it's appropriate.Anyway, I have to say I agree with AK 9 on this in that if you're looking for a committed relationship that leads to marriage, you have to tone down the opposite sex relationships. You can keep those friends but you need clear boundaries and you can't exclude your significant others when hanging out with them. That you reduce headache and keep things on the up and up.

Tap Dancing Tom 4 years 17 weeks

I'm a male that's had a close female friend of over 20 years. Although we've never slept with each other or much less kissed for that matter, I have to say it has been detrimental in my finding a real relationship of my own. It took me years to figure this out. It's just not realistic to think you're going to have the same friendship you had with your opposite sex friend when you're in a relationship. I'm running into this now. When I was single, I was always available to her to go out to movies, dinner, concerts, road trips, weddings, baby showers, etc.. In other words, we did all the things that couples do without the sexual element. And even without the sex, no matter how you slice it, it is an intimate relationship with another person. Now that I'm in a serious relationship, there really hasn't been room for both. So yeah, now I do all of the things that I used to do with my friend with my girlfriend, because, well, she's my girlfriend. My friend has a hard time accepting this but I personally don't think it's justified. I don't see how she couldn't see it coming. If she had found a boyfriend, I would have expected the same to happen to me. Her hurt feelings are understandable but she's an adult female she needs to see things from my girlfriend's point of view and the fact that I have to deal with my girlfriend's feelings. I had another female friend who got married and *I* backed away from the friendship out of respect to her husband. I'll talk to her now and then but I don't go out on "dates" with her. I just don't think it's appropriate. Anyway, I have to say I agree with AK 9 on this in that if you're looking for a committed relationship that leads to marriage, you have to tone down the opposite sex relationships. You can keep those friends but you need clear boundaries and you can't exclude your significant others when hanging out with them. That you reduce headache and keep things on the up and up.

AK 9 4 years 18 weeks

And by the way...I am a man...I have a wonderfull girlfriend...she did not understand my logic, I politely left her out of respect to her will, she soon after I left found that there was no one she ever dated or has been finding that she could trust fully or that would treat her as well as I did. We first dated for only 2 months. After she saw this she began taking an interest in how I am to see if she could roll with it or if it was just not her...well, we are together now and she is happyer than when we first dated...she tels me that living this way makes life soo mutch more fulfiling...we have no wories and the feeling and reality of respect is ever present and there is no wieght on either of our shoulders.People need to let alot of things go...we are selfish by nature...we are soo afraid to miss out on something that we miss out on everything cuz we think we are being "cool". Let the ways of our society be to thows that dont get it...then understand it for yourself and live without boundrys. A person has to chose it, other wise it is useless. decide for your self; Make a true commitment or stay half ass and never find what it is like to connect fully with someone.

AK 9 4 years 18 weeks

And by the way...I am a man...I have a wonderfull girlfriend...she did not understand my logic, I politely left her out of respect to her will, she soon after I left found that there was no one she ever dated or has been finding that she could trust fully or that would treat her as well as I did. We first dated for only 2 months. After she saw this she began taking an interest in how I am to see if she could roll with it or if it was just not her...well, we are together now and she is happyer than when we first dated...she tels me that living this way makes life soo mutch more fulfiling...we have no wories and the feeling and reality of respect is ever present and there is no wieght on either of our shoulders. People need to let alot of things go...we are selfish by nature...we are soo afraid to miss out on something that we miss out on everything cuz we think we are being "cool". Let the ways of our society be to thows that dont get it...then understand it for yourself and live without boundrys. A person has to chose it, other wise it is useless. decide for your self; Make a true commitment or stay half ass and never find what it is like to connect fully with someone.

AK 9 4 years 18 weeks

Ok.....Screw all that!! If you are in a relationship? Then why do you keep stimulation from others of the opossite sex arround?Plain and simple....It has to do with the fact that our society thinks its ok to be free, loose and without principle! People dont want whats rite, they want what feels good ar better said; what is "fun". People dont care to take responsabuility and face principle and the enlightenment and fulfillment of rite doing!!I HAVE NEVER AND WILL NEVER be with a woman that keeps the oposite sex arround! I for starters cutt off all female relations excluding family and "real" "True" close friends of the family when engaged in a seriouse relationship! On top of that....Friends and family will come second to a woman that has proven to be loyal and true partner matereal! This is because A) If I am going to be in a relationship, its not to get my kicks off...its to create a relationship for life, or better said, a life partner! I do everything with my partner and go everywhere with! I make her the woman of my life! So what room is there for one of my female friends to hear about my day? What room is there for me to give my confidence to another woman? There is none! I have alot of friends, I used to have alot more! The people tha call themselves friends and realy are; understand and suport me even when they know they may never get my company again. And if something goes wrong, even years later, ther are still there! Now that is a friend! On the other hand, the people that call themselves friends and are realy on it for themselves; dont understand and I am no longer arround to even find out if they would still be there for me.PRINCIPLE; Why lay down in bed with someone if you dont know you are going to stay with them for life? Why even be in anything more than a casual or as I call it "a slut" relationship? If you are going to share your heart, If you are going to take someone elses heart...these things are not walmart specials, they are lives and minds trusting you to their very survival...So why do you people act like is cool to not fully commit?

AK 9 4 years 18 weeks

Ok.....Screw all that!! If you are in a relationship? Then why do you keep stimulation from others of the opossite sex arround? Plain and simple....It has to do with the fact that our society thinks its ok to be free, loose and without principle! People dont want whats rite, they want what feels good ar better said; what is "fun". People dont care to take responsabuility and face principle and the enlightenment and fulfillment of rite doing!! I HAVE NEVER AND WILL NEVER be with a woman that keeps the oposite sex arround! I for starters cutt off all female relations excluding family and "real" "True" close friends of the family when engaged in a seriouse relationship! On top of that....Friends and family will come second to a woman that has proven to be loyal and true partner matereal! This is because A) If I am going to be in a relationship, its not to get my kicks off...its to create a relationship for life, or better said, a life partner! I do everything with my partner and go everywhere with! I make her the woman of my life! So what room is there for one of my female friends to hear about my day? What room is there for me to give my confidence to another woman? There is none! I have alot of friends, I used to have alot more! The people tha call themselves friends and realy are; understand and suport me even when they know they may never get my company again. And if something goes wrong, even years later, ther are still there! Now that is a friend! On the other hand, the people that call themselves friends and are realy on it for themselves; dont understand and I am no longer arround to even find out if they would still be there for me. PRINCIPLE; Why lay down in bed with someone if you dont know you are going to stay with them for life? Why even be in anything more than a casual or as I call it "a slut" relationship? If you are going to share your heart, If you are going to take someone elses heart...these things are not walmart specials, they are lives and minds trusting you to their very survival...So why do you people act like is cool to not fully commit?

eve22 4 years 41 weeks

Yes, you can have plutonic relationships. Most of my best friends are males. However i do think its important to talk about upfront, have and discuss whats appropriate and inappropriate. If you do that there should be no worries.i gave my partner an ultimadum once. His ex girlfriend had to go.He was wanting to leave that relationship for along time. We met and he ended it with her. Even though he broke up with her, she thought i was the evil one. BUT, i was fine with them being friends, the only thing i required was to meet her and she wouldn't. one and a half years on, they work together, but he doesn't see or talk with her outside of work. I think that any friend your partner has should be able to introduce, meet and know you, if they can't...why?She was a circumstance but that aside i would never demand my partner cut away friends of the opposite sex. Only that my partner make it clear that he's taken if needs be and come home to me at the end of the day.

eve22 4 years 41 weeks

Yes, you can have plutonic relationships. Most of my best friends are males. However i do think its important to talk about upfront, have and discuss whats appropriate and inappropriate. If you do that there should be no worries. i gave my partner an ultimadum once. His ex girlfriend had to go. He was wanting to leave that relationship for along time. We met and he ended it with her. Even though he broke up with her, she thought i was the evil one. BUT, i was fine with them being friends, the only thing i required was to meet her and she wouldn't. one and a half years on, they work together, but he doesn't see or talk with her outside of work. I think that any friend your partner has should be able to introduce, meet and know you, if they can't...why? She was a circumstance but that aside i would never demand my partner cut away friends of the opposite sex. Only that my partner make it clear that he's taken if needs be and come home to me at the end of the day.

odd man out 4 years 43 weeks

As long as there aren't any feelings involved beyond friendship, there shouldn't be a problem... I would want to get to know the friends though, girls or guys, though admittedly especially if they are of the opposite sex. My GF has a lot of male friends, she seems to get along with guys better; the only concern for me is how she often fails to realize when someone wants to be more than just a friend with her... (me included! :P).. hence I would like to get to know the guys to make sure she isn't being duped, and on a selfish note, it could end up with me having more friends to hang out with!

dalialia 4 years 43 weeks

My bf's best friend is a girl and she is like a sister to him. I would never worry about the two of them together. Most of my friends are guys and its kinda similar. They are like brothers to me so he knows that he has nothing to worry about. But honestly, I don't worry about him cheating whether he is with female friends or not and he feels the same way about me.

ilovecandyfloss 4 years 43 weeks

Wow, it is so sad that you would even consider getting rid of your friends just because of their sex. Doesn't sound like a good friend to me. If that's the case, they're probably better off without you...

Muirnea 4 years 43 weeks

Sourcherry said: "If anything, it makes things easier, as it's less likely for one person to start having confused feelings about the friend, WHICH OFTEN HAPPENS." I'm not sure it makes things easier but I agree that if usually happens.I'm still trying to decide how I feel about this particular topic, but so far my conclusion is that it is rare to find two opposite sex friends who both TRULY don't have feelings for the other. In my experience someone always ends up liking the other and making the relationship inappropriate (even when one or the other has a b/f, g/f!), or both people in some cases.So I'm ok with true friend relationships, but I think its really hard to actually have one of those.

Muirnea 4 years 43 weeks

Sourcherry said: "If anything, it makes things easier, as it's less likely for one person to start having confused feelings about the friend, WHICH OFTEN HAPPENS." I'm not sure it makes things easier but I agree that if usually happens. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about this particular topic, but so far my conclusion is that it is rare to find two opposite sex friends who both TRULY don't have feelings for the other. In my experience someone always ends up liking the other and making the relationship inappropriate (even when one or the other has a b/f, g/f!), or both people in some cases. So I'm ok with true friend relationships, but I think its really hard to actually have one of those.

SDTransplant 4 years 43 weeks

I'm still in touch with some of the guy friends I had before I met my b/f four years ago (after all, some of them were my friends way before I met him), but I don't know how keen I would be on starting up a new friendship with one now. My b/f doesn't seem like the jealous type, but then again, I've never given him any reason to be jealous!

Isista 4 years 43 weeks

I've always gotten along better with guys than with girls, so I always have guy friends around. One of my best friends is my ex, and my boyfriend has friends that are girls. It doesn't bother either one of us, since we both are committed to each other and both trust each other very much.

gigill 4 years 44 weeks

It's strange, but I have lots of male friends, but very rarely is it the same kind of deep friendship that I have with several females. Typically my boyfriends have been a little freaked out at first at the number of male aquaintances/friends I have, but then they realize they have have nothing to worry about and chill out.I've never had a boyfriend with close female friendships, mainly just female co-workers or other girlfriends in the "group," so I've never had to deal with this type of jealousy (and I'm sure it would crop up for me...)

gigill 4 years 44 weeks

It's strange, but I have lots of male friends, but very rarely is it the same kind of deep friendship that I have with several females. Typically my boyfriends have been a little freaked out at first at the number of male aquaintances/friends I have, but then they realize they have have nothing to worry about and chill out. I've never had a boyfriend with close female friendships, mainly just female co-workers or other girlfriends in the "group," so I've never had to deal with this type of jealousy (and I'm sure it would crop up for me...)

miriah15 4 years 44 weeks

I have four best friends, two of which are guys that whether any of us are in a relationship or not, we are just as close

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