The Pros and Cons of Prenups

Prenups: Sign on the Dotted Line?

July 28, 2010

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I read the other day that 20% of men under the age of 29 would insist on a prenup before tying the knot. Now how many men that 20% makes up, I have no idea... but that's not the point of today's post. The point is prenups in general.

I can understand the point of a prenup. I mean, it's all about protecting your assests. But I don't really see the point in one unless you have enough assets to protect. If I made a million bucks a year? Sure. I'd possibly require a prenup. With what I make now and the assets I have now? No. I just couldn't see it happening.

I guess I see a prenup as a downer. It's almost like saying you expect your marriage to fail, so you are putting stop gaps in place. It also takes the romance out of it a little. "Here honey. Please sign agreeing that you won't take all my sh*t if our marriage goes belly up. Oh, and by the way, if you happen to give me a baby boy in the process, I'll throw in an extra $100,000 for you." I'm just not seeing that as a good precurser to a marriage.

But what do I know? I'm not married. I'm not getting married anytime soon. And like I said, I don't feel I have assets that are in need of that kind of protection. If I win the lottery in the next few years, I might just change my mind. But what do you think about prenups?

A do or don't?

31 Comments

2 years 42 weeks

I discussed this issue the other day with a few people. I don't look at a prenup in the typical understanding of it. I look at it solely as it is stated, an agreement before nuptials.The document is living so it can change as necessary and can include whatever both parties want included. I don't think that there has to be any mentioning of divorce if it is not wanted.

sourcherries 2 years 42 weeks

These days? Definitely a do. Mostly 'cuz ya never know...

Stacey Cakes 2 years 42 weeks

On the first day of my divorce/ community assets law class in law school, the professor asked how many of us would require a pre-nup before getting married and only 5 or 6 people out of about 150 raised their hands. He asked the same question on the last day of the class and about 85-90% of the class raised their hands. Once most people are informed of what the actual divorce laws are and how unfair the situation could end up, they agree a pre-nup is a proactive idea where both parties can determine what the outcome would be.

2 years 42 weeks

Pre-nups are pretty misunderstood. Many people, myself included until a friend who is an attorney set me straight, think that a prenup is just written to protect assets you already have going into the divorce (which are actually already legally protected since you own what you come into with the marriage) and interest and whatnot that you earn from those assets. But in reality, a pre-nup can be written in whatever way you want. A friend who was a resident and making only $50k was getting married wanted a prenup to protect his future salary of $200k. Those are the prenups that bother me, i'm not going to marry you if you're thinking right now that i could possibly screw you over in the case that we might get divorced. So if he really wanted a prenup to protect his future salary, then you'd sit down and write out all the "what ifs" with if she's staying home with the kids, she gets this percentage. if she's working, she gets this percentage, if she has to move ever for my career, she gets this percentage. that's not for me at all and i'd start out a marriage being incredibly bitter and resentful. However, in the case of prenups to protect family money and future inheritences, i totally understand. it's not "your" money, it's the families and if the family wants a prenup, i'd understand.

Studio16 2 years 42 weeks

It doesn't give men MORE rights in the divorce process so much as it protects them. Whether a man initiates the divorce or his wife does, she usually gets alimony and child support, not to mention it's much easier for a mom to get full custody of the kids than it is the dad. (As my grandmother said when my uncle's wife left him, a judge will almost always side with the mother unless she's an alcoholic or homeless.) If my fiance presented me with a prenup, I'd show it to my lawyer and say, "What do you think?" I would negotiate if it didn't work for me. Ultimately I would sign it to avoid looking like a golddigger.

Studio16 2 years 42 weeks

chloe bella 2 years 42 weeks

SKG - I was envisioning more of a collaborative process where a couple sits down together and forms a realistic (and hopefully hypothetical) plan. I guess I'm just thinking like an attorney, but to me, it's no different than when couples sit down with an attorney and do estate planning (which is equally, if not more, depressing). In fact, some couples use prenuptial agreements as part of an overall estate plan because it specifies up front what the spouse will get (like if it's a second marriage and there's a gray area of what children from a previous marriages would get vs. the current spouse). My grandpa actually did this when he remarried in his 70s after my grandma died - my mom and I will be beneficiaries of a trust, but his current wife will be taken care of via their pre-nup, so no one has to worry about there being a fight or a will contest. So I guess my point is that there are lots of contexts where they come into play other than what you usually hear about in the press. I would agree with you that if someone tried to make it adversarial by going out and getting their own attorney and insisting that their future wife get her own attorney, and then they tried to slip in a bunch of fine print, it would be a very bad sign for the impending marriage.

postmodernsleaze 2 years 42 weeks

I don't think I would ever sign one. It would depress me at the moment of marriage to be thinking about what we have to do when/if it ends (even if that is "practical" to think about). But, then again, we'll see how I feel when I'm actually close to wanting marriage. It's too foreign of a concept to me at this point in my life to have any educated opinions on the subject.

2 years 42 weeks

Yes and no. The classic version of a prenup, which does nothing but protect spousal assets from one another at the termination of a marriage, is quite frankly, stupid. I understand that people can fall in and out of love, and just because you want to marry someone now doesn't mean that you'll want to stay with them forever. However, if you're not POSITIVE that the person you're marrying isn't the type of person to try to screw you out of what's yours when the marriage is over, then you simply should not be marrying them. Note that this argument does not apply to other types of prenups which have more complicated and less traditional legal facets.

spacekatgal 2 years 42 weeks

Chloe Bella, I do agree with your point. And I think it has the *potential* to protect both parties. I just think it's not the practical effect of them. When I got married, I was making $15 an hour working as a GA. I'm doing much better now, but I literally could not have afforded my own lawyer at the time. Frank was making 1/4 of a million a year. It would have been very unequal.

spacekatgal 2 years 42 weeks

stephley 2 years 42 weeks

Might as well fess up to reality at the start. If you think you're being asked to sign a pre-nup by someone who's trying to get an edge on you, you probably don't trust them all that much and shouldn't marry them.

Pistil 2 years 42 weeks

I'm surprised at the number of "don'ts". I guess when my boyfriend mentioned a prenup, I felt a little offended. Like, what do you think I am? A freaking harpy? But I understand the practicality of it, and like Glowing Moon mentioned, I'd feel comfortable knowing we've worked something out so no one really gets screwed in the event of a separation.

GlowingMoon 2 years 42 weeks

It depends on the circumstances AND the pre-nup. I think the pre-nup can protect BOTH sides. If my husband wanted me to sign a pre-nup, trust me, I would have made sure the pre-nup was sweet for me, too. not just for him. Most likely, I would have included some infidelity clause, too, like if he ever had an affair on me, it could cost him on many levels (including our marriage). :) I think a pre-nup could be a good opportunity for BOTH sides. :)

GlowingMoon 2 years 42 weeks

It depends on the circumstances AND the pre-nup. I think the pre-nup can protect BOTH sides.If my husband wanted me to sign a pre-nup, trust me, I would have made sure the pre-nup was sweet for me, too. not just for him. Most likely, I would have included some infidelity clause, too, like if he ever had an affair on me, it could cost him on many levels (including our marriage). :)I think a pre-nup could be a good opportunity for BOTH sides. :)

chloe bella 2 years 42 weeks

Sorry, but most of the comments evidence a very poor understanding of what a prenuptial agreement is and how it works. Here is something to think about - with a prenuptial agreement, you have control over the terms. So, if both you and your future husband have well-paying jobs, but you think it MIGHT be a possibility that you will someday quit your job to stay home with your kids, you can agree up front that if you do so and your husband leaves you, he will pay you maintenance so that you can maintain your standard of living (or at least afford life's basic necessities). On the other hand, if you get a divorce and go through the court system, you will be subject to the whims of whatever family court judge you are assigned to, and their decisions often vary dramatically even within a single jurisdiction. In other words, you're putting your fate into the hands of a complete stranger who doesn't know you, doesn't care about you, and who may be biased either for or against you. You could get a great result, or you could be completely screwed. In the short time I spent clerking for a family law attorney, I saw both results. Thus, I think it's better to come to a decision on your own terms. Oh, and if man asks you to sign something significantly depriving you of your rights ahead of time, why would you even consider marrying him?

Dragonflye 2 years 42 weeks

I own my own condo, I own my own car, I have my own bank accounts and I have my own pension... anything acquired after a relationship begins can be seen as shared assets, but until then, my stuff is my stuff. A girl's gotta protect herself too... I think that a lot of men think that a woman is just out to get married to take fifty percent of their future assets. Well, I got news for my future spouse... you ain't taking fifty percent of mine!!

tarabara1229 2 years 42 weeks

It depends on the situation, but I would say yes to a prenup, especially after seeing what's happened to my boss. She is highly regarded in her industry and is going through a divorce right now, and her soon-to-be ex (a lazy "screenwriter") is taking her to the bank and then some. Obviously I don't have the same assets as she does, but I do make a lot more than my boyfriend, and if we were to get married, I'd want one. It doesn't mean I don't trust him or expect our relationship to fail, it's just always better to be prepared. But like I said, it depends on each individual's situation.

Vanonymous 2 years 42 weeks

Tricky. I'm not really sure what I would do. Obviously a prenup is not romantic, but no one assumes they will get divorced when they get married and about 50% do get divorced. Also to keep in mind, just b/c you have no assets now, doesn't mean you won't down the road. Will you receive inheritance from your family? If so, do you want him to get your parents' hard earned money even if you split? Honestly, I probably would not get a prenup, but if finances changed significantly, I would consider a postnup (or antenuptial agreement). That is always an option. Same agreement, just made after you are married. Also, when having a prenup drafted, you have separate attorneys. You are paying someone to look out for your best interest (they are not looking out for his), so do not sign it if you feel like it is doing what SKG mentioned.

genesisrocks 2 years 42 weeks

Don't- there's no benefit to starting your marriage with the possibility that it might end!

skigurl 2 years 42 weeks

well said SKG...an argument I will use if ever needed!

mln410 2 years 42 weeks

I am in the process of buying my first house. I am proud of myself for this, and don't want to lose it, ever. This is an asset I would want to protect in future relationships. I would not be offended if my (future) man felt the same way about what he had earned as a single guy.

spacekatgal 2 years 42 weeks

I also would not sign one, and did not. If I were to get divorced, I would prefer to have my full legal rights, thank you. Don't forget - the purpose of a prenup is to mitigate those rights, often to shift the power towards the husband. Men enjoy all kinds of economic advantages. When you couple that with the fact that women often retain custody of the children in a divorce, they are probably the most expensive asset one could have - a prenup is going to do nothing but cripple your ability to receive child support. I just think the whole thing is used to take further advantage of women.

spacekatgal 2 years 42 weeks

skigurl 2 years 42 weeks

We've talked about this before...and I agree with the poster. I don't have much to protect right now, so I see it as a "don't"...Even if my man made quite good money (like you said a mill a year) I'd still find it fairly insulting that he would assume divorce and that I'd take him for everything he is worth. But I know if you marry someone very wealthy it's just part of the deal. But in this life, it's a don't!

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