Pillow Talk: In the Mood for Love?

Is one of you in the mood when the other isn't? Do you find yourself remembering when you first met your husband or boyfriend, and you literally couldn't keep your hands off each other? Every little erotic moment was savored and spent.


Do you worry about what it means that things changed a year or two into the relationship? You are not alone. And I hope you'll be glad to hear that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the love or attraction, or the lack thereof, between you and your partner.

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Psychologists and researchers call being sexually out of sync with your partner "desire discrepancy". It's normal, and it's common. But let's start at the beginning: When you first meet someone and become romantically involved -- those butterflies you feel, that flood of excitement -- the hormones that fuel desire and sexual attraction get a serious boost.

There's lots of great information in this article I'd love you to read, but here's a quick, reassuring fact:

If you’re worried that you and your partner have fallen out of lust, consider this: You may never have been in sync at all. It just seemed that way because the novelty and excitement of having a new lover boosts the hormones that inspire desire. As a relationship continues, though, the initial infatuation disappears and each partner returns to his or her “normal” level of sexual desire—which may be high, moderate, or low. And libido may wax and wane at different times in a person’s life.

As a relationship continues, though, the initial infatuation disappears and each partner returns to his or her “normal” level of sexual desire—which may be high, moderate, or low. And libido may wax and wane at different times in a person’s life.

Although it's a relief to learn there's nothing "wrong" in your relationship or sex life, that your set point may have been different all along and merely obscured by the initial chemistry of love, this still leaves a lot of room for private anxieties. Rejection, insecurity or frustration can erupt if you and your partner aren't talking openly and compassionately about the subject.

And remember, it's entirely possible to experience the mental and physical attraction that was so prominent during that "honeymoon stage". We've mentioned before that dopamine elevates passion and novelty elevates dopamine. Do something new together; anything novel with a little fear factor will give you both a nice hit of dopamine. Dr. Patricia Love, the author of Hot Monogamy, provides couples with the insight and skills necessary to create and sustain long-lasting love, especially that shift from romantic or hormonally-influenced love to what she calls "vintage love", which grows deeper and more passionate with time.

And ladies, both her book and the article I linked offer great starting points for gaining those skills.


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