My Husband Gave Me Herpes

Group Therapy: My Husband Gave Me an STD

August 2, 2010

This question is from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I thought I was a happy married mother of 2 and pregnant with my 3rd when I find out that I have herpes. My husband is the only man that I have ever been with. I was a virgin. It was important to me to be with only one man for the rest of my life . . . anyway now I have herpes from this *sshole and I am so confused and scared. I don't know what to do, or how I should feel.

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22 Comments

confusedsoul 2 years 31 weeks

thanks everyone, I had my baby shes a beautiful healty girl... i tried working things out with my husband but I dont think i can live like this, i cant control but feeling that i dont love him anymore and the sad part is that i feel bad for feeling this way and i dont no how I am suppose to tell him,,, I am afraid to end it and i feel like i dont know what I want and what will make me happy... does anyone understand me... "Help" i know I need to Help myself and do what will make me happy...

regrettingHIM 2 years 40 weeks

Garry... just yesterday I was diagnosed with herpes and I have been married for 3 years now. I was tested (at my request) for everything under the sun after my last ex because I found out he was a cheating bastard. Thankfully, I was clean. Two years ago I became pregnant and again requested that my doc give me a full STD work-up. I have never cheated on my husband and 3 weeks ago he claimed to have an ingrown hair that he popped and it irritated him down there. We had sex a week later. I really didn't think anything of it....ingrown hairs happen, right? And I've been married for 3 years, so whatever. Well a week ago I noticed some spots that burned like hell. I freaked out and my husband started YELLING at me telling me I'm over reacting...put some neosporin on them and it will go away in a few days. lol. Serious? I go to the doc and find out it's definitely herpes. Confront my hubby when I get home and he says... "WE'RE DONE!! I WANT A DIVORCE" and slams the door. wow. He comes back later explaining that he has never cheated and he thought that I had...well... I know where I have been and I know that I haven't been with anyone else. He claims to have been tested before we met...which I believe is B.S. He lies about everything! So now I am stuck wondering did he really have this disease for over 3 1/2 years without a single outbreak or did he cheat and is lying about it??? All the reading and my doc says the first outbreak is almost always the worse...well my husband only had one small thing on him, so does that mean he's probably had an outbreak before?? It's so confusing...and I know that if he cheated he will never fess up. How do you continue? I look at him and all I see is a lying cheating scum bag who gave me an infection that potentially ruined my sex life, is causing massive emotional trauma, and makes my privates hurt and look so disgusting. :( But, I could probably live with all of that if I didn't have to worry about whether or not he was unfaithful to me...

Garry76 2 years 41 weeks

I agree he has failed, I have been cheated on, I know the feelings, I blamed myself, Maybe I wasnt good enough ect. ect. The bottom line is,, life goes on, Its not a death sentence, If you stay with a cheater, (as I and some of u have) Then it will get you, you will lose.. My fiancee gave me herpies or warts, I am waithing next week for results here awake at 3.30am still heart pounding, single as I was dumped for asking the obvious question... DID U CHEAT?

postmodernsleaze 2 years 41 weeks

Oh, man. As others have said, it is HIM that has failed the marriage. Give yourself time to mourn, then try as hard as you can to be the strong mother you are. Pick up what pieces you can and move on.

brindey 2 years 41 weeks

Be strong, Confused. You can't trust him, so leave. You didn't fail- he did. This is one of those times you circle your wagons (your friends and family) around you and your kids, and start anew. Get a good physician, a better lawyer, and a new place. Like I said, I believe in you. Educate yourself, support yourself, move forward. It sounds like you love(d) him and I am really sorry about that. But he got drunk, forgot your vows, ruined your marriage, possibly put your unborn child at risk, and broke your trust. If you stay, in 10 years, you will freak out if he wants to go on another "boys night." There is no healing from this. Love yourself and move on.

kismekate 2 years 41 weeks

It's your husband that has failed your marriage and children, not you. Don't ever think otherwise.

confusedsoul 2 years 41 weeks

Thank you all for your help. okay so where do I start.. the first talk I had with my husband he was clueless of herpes and what it is... cheating he denied at first than I told him that I probably cheated on him and gave it to him, he said I know you better than that you would never do that... So I ask him than where did it come from so he admits that him and a couple of friends where drunk and he did cheat not knowing what he did cause he was drunk but honestly I don't believe that... know that I think about things when I first got pregnant he wanted me to have an abortion cause I had a yeast infection but I think he thought it was something more than that... and a woman knows when something is wrong and I have a strong feeling that he didn't get this by cheating once like he said... I honestly cant trust him but at the same time its so hard for me to leave i don't know why? I know i can take care of myself and my kids on my own.. I just think I am afraid to be alone and to have failed my marriage and children.

2 years 41 weeks

I have herpes and I have gone years before without an outbreak. Most of the time it's dormant. The outbreaks can be really painful though and can take up to a week and a half to go away. On average I'll have one outbreak a year. I've only been with one guy too (similar to you). I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope you can find the answers and support you need. Best of luck.

bransugar79 2 years 41 weeks

Herpes isn't one of the STD's that are routinely tested in pre-natal blood work. Pregnant women are tested for HIV, Syphilis. Hepatitis B, Gonorrhea, and Chlamydia per CDC guidelines. Most women will have a C-Section only if there is an active Herpes outbreak during delivery. So it is in fact very possible that the OP and her husband were both in the dark about the disease. Even though it seems common place a lot of people are still not regularly tested for STD's. And if there aren't any visible signs or symptoms, a person may have no cause to worry. This guy could be a cheating jerk, but we really have now way of knowing. I think the best way to get to the bottom of this is to simply have a conversation. Talk to your husband and both of you should consult a doctor, not only regarding your own health, but that of your unborn child.

postmodernsleaze 2 years 41 weeks

^^ Yes, I totally agree with chloe bella. A talk between hubby+wife+physician should be in order. I should have included the "physician" part at the end of my comment :)

chloe bella 2 years 41 weeks

I agree with kismekate. Don't jump to conclusions regarding the possibility of him cheating until you've spoken with an actual physician and ruled out the possibility of him having it all along.

kismekate 2 years 41 weeks

I believe, and someone can argue this if they know differently, the following: 1. You can have herpes and not have an outbreak for several years. Therefore, he could have been having an "outbreak" more recently in the relationship for the first time and that is when she contracted it. 2. Once you've contracted herpes, it can take up to 8 months or so before it even appears positive through a pap smear (HPV) or visible as warts. So technically, yes. It is very possible that he contracted this before they were married, not "absolutely ridiculous".

postmodernsleaze 2 years 41 weeks

Ah, herpes, the gift that keeps on giving. It is possible that he has had it for years (before you were together), but I assume he would have had an outbreak at least once within the time frame of their marriage and thought it was funky and gotten tested before transmitting it to his wife. Again, I guess it's possible that he never had a visible outbreak during their time being married, but I find that unlikely. And even if he never did, he probably has been tested... or does he just never go to the doctor? The scenario that the OP had HSV-1, passed it to her husband orally, and then he passed it to her through intercourse is also possible. But I find this unlikely because the OP probably would have considered this option already if she knew she had cold sores. Also, I believe HSV is tested for during pregnancy because it can be extremely dangerous to infants ([such as herpes eye infections] so even if the OP has herpes, but has never had an actual cold sore and therefore didn't know she had HSV, I think after two pregnancies it probably would have been tested for at some point, and therefore this scenario is unlikely). Sorry for so many comma splices. I hope my comment makes sense haha At any rate, there is a few pieces of information missing from the original post that make this hard to comment on or provide advice for. If the OP never had HSV-1, that rules out the she-gave-it-to-him-orally-he-gave-it-to-her-through-intercourse scenario. I assume she probably does not have HSV-1, and therefore that is why she is so mad. Has the hubby admitted to cheating? Does he already know that you've gotten genital herpes from him? Obviously, a talk should be in order between wife and husband to get to the bottom of the situation and find out what happened.

SanDiegoLove 2 years 41 weeks

A good thing to point out here is that Herpes can be passed during oral sex. If the post-er had a cold sore, or even if she didn't (one of the types can live in the mouth), and performed oral on her husband he could have ended up with Herpes. He then could have passed it back to her during sex. She seems to have come to the conclusion that he cheated rather quickly. Either she doesn't know a lot about the transmission of STDs, or there was already something there to make her think he wasn't being faithful. Either way hon, you owe it to yourself and your kids to find out the truth.

juicebox07 2 years 41 weeks

I agree with MissSushi. She has 2 kids and pregnant with a third. That means she's been with her husband for a while. They don't let you give birth naturally if you have herpes (so I assume they check you for it). Therefore, I believe the herpes was contracted sometime after the 2nd child was born. He most likely cheated. It's a very horrible situation to be in. I can't even imagine if this happened to me. I would be so furious and upset.

2 years 41 weeks

Did he cheat on you? He may not have known he had it. Which herpes simplex do you have? There's type 1 and 2. A lot of people have simplex 1. I was born with it. It's very common and can easily spread to other parts of the body. Like others have suggested, visit a doctor together. Being upset is natural, but try not to let it get you too stressed, because that's one of the main triggers for outbreaks. Communicate with your husband honestly and maybe the two of you can support each other through this.

medenginer 2 years 41 weeks

Both of you need to go to the doctor together to get better informed of the disease and do a checkup. If he was ignorant about having it and didn't cheat then it's a negative you face together. Which means it wasn't intentional he just wasn't aware of having it. Were you tested in your previous pregnancies for STDs and had negative results? Then it would be best to make some decisions on what to do about the future.

MissSushi 2 years 41 weeks

Even if she had kids back to back as soon as they were married, she is at least 3 years into her marriage. I can't imagine she got herpes from him 3 years ago and it's taken this long for her to find out. That sounds absolutely ridiculous. Secondly, when you get pregnant they automatically test you for any std's that will harm the baby. I don't know all of them, but considering you can pass it if you're having an outbreak during labor, I would assume this is one that they test for. Seems to me like she got tested during this 3rd pregnancy and found out she now has herpes, so it's indicative of infidelity. If this is the case, and you've been true to your partner, you need to speak to him about it, accept the fact that he most likely cheated, and start making choices as far as what you want to do with him. Don't stay with him just because of the kids, if he cheated, he will keep cheating.

brindey 2 years 41 weeks

Kismekate makes some great points, but I think the poster believes he contracted the disease after they were married. First, go talk to your doctor. Then, get answers from your husband. Then, pack up the kids and take a few days to think at your best friend's house or your parents. You definitely have the right to be really angry. If he did cheat, move on- you clearly deserve a lot better. Don't be afraid to be a single mom, even a single and pregnant mom. I believe in you. You clearly have high expectations of yourself, are committed to your own beliefs, and are strong willed- and I got all that from reading one paragraph about you. If you get confused or lost along the way, my (single) mom always used to say that she made every decision based upon what was best for her kids. That way, she could never make a wrong decision. (But please note, when I say that, I don't mean that staying with their father is necessarily best for your kids. Having a happy, fulfilled, strong mom - whatever that looks like- is best for them.)

starbucks 2 years 41 weeks

I don't know a lot about herpes, but I'm wondering whether or not it's possible for her not getting it for such a long time from him. Do you think he's cheating on you and that's where he caught it? Yes, that would make him an asshole. But if he had it all this time, like kissmekate said, it's possible he didn't know about it. If you knew he was sexually active before you two were married he should have got himself tested before having unprotected sex. You should have made him get tested. That's what adults do.

Studio16 2 years 41 weeks

Like kismekate said, it's really hard to test for in men. He could have gotten this YEARS ago and just not known, it doesn't necessarily mean that he cheated on you. I think you need to approach him and just be as frank as possible. No beating around the bush or dragging it out to make him suffer, a simple, "I've been diagnosed with genital herpes. As you know, you were my first and only sexual partner. Any guesses as to where this might have come from?" If he says, "Wtf, that means I have it, I didn't know," then you should talk about it and go to the doctor together. If he says, "Well, yeah, I had an affair, and I wasn't about to tell you," THEN you can call him all the horrible words that you want to. Just don't jump to conclusions. You're probably in the same boat.

kismekate 2 years 41 weeks

There are a lot of factors you have to take into account. And without enough information, it's hard to give advice on this. But here it goes. 1. Was he aware he had herpes and just didn't tell you? Herpes are hard to test for in men and often men do not experience any symptoms. It is quite possible that he did not know -- and you can't blame him if he didn't. 2. Just because he was your first, doesn't account for anything. You knew you weren't his first. Did you discuss his previous methods of protecting himself from STD's? Did you ask him to get tested or ask him if he ever felt as though he could have been exposed? 3. You're calling him an ass hole. Yes, it's a shit situation to be in. But you're in this situation together. You're married. You both have it and while the physical aspect sucks, you don't have to worry about someone else accepting herpes as a part of a new relationship. You avoid the awkwardness and the chance of losing someone because of your honesty. You're not really in that bad off of a situation. And while I don't have all the answers to the above questions, I'm sure if your husband really loves you, he wasn't aware that he was carrying it and didn't mean you any harm.

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