Louis C.K. loves being divorced, so he'd probably make the world's worst marriage counselor. Then again, the comedian's stand-up performances are loaded with relationship wisdom — on marriage, sex, the differences between the sexes, and why dating is a display of true courage. Below, I've rounded up some of my favorite (tough) love quotes from Louis C.K. on every stage of love and marriage.
On Sex After Marriage
"There's guys thinking of getting married, and I hear them say stuff like 'I don't know if I could have sex with one woman for the rest of my life.' Where are you getting that twisted fantasy? You're not gonna have sex with one woman. You're gonna have sex with zero women."
On Dating as an Act of Bravery
"How do women still go out with guys? When you consider the fact that here is no greater threat to women than men. We're the number one threat to women, globally and historically, we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women. We're the worst thing that ever happens to them. You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease."
On Dating and Sex
"Sometimes you see a date that's later down the line. There's something that happens on a date that I never get to witness, because women do this, they get to do it inside. They get to decide quietly, 'I'm gonna let him f*ck me.' They just get to decide. Something he says, and she's just like 'That was good. I'm gonna let him f*ck me later.' And he has no idea."
On Postcoital Behavior
"After sex, you're looking at two very different people. The man just wants to lay there and be cool, and the woman wants to cuddle, something that men love to make fun of women for: ''They always wanna cuddle, they're so needy.' . . . She's not needy, you idiot, she's horny! Because you did NOTHING for her. You did absolutely nothing. If you f*ck a woman well, she will leave you alone."
On Dating Out of Your League
"I was with one really hot woman once, and she got very drunk and slept with me, and the next morning I remember her looking down at me and she was so horrified, she just looked at me like she felt like she had raped herself with me, somehow. I realized I am somebody's rock bottom moment."
On Being Single After Divorce
"The part that's difficult is being single, at 41, after 10 years of marriage and two kids. That's like having a bunch of money in a currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore."
On Post-Divorce Sympathy
"Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.' That's a stupid thing to say. First of all you're making 'em feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair. And second of all: divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It's really that simple."
On Why Divorce Is Good
"I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. By the way, I'm not saying don't get married. If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married. Then get divorced. Because that's the best part. Divorce is forever! It really actually is. Marriage is for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak. Nobody ever says 'oh, my divorce is falling apart, it's over, I can't take it.'"
On Sexual Attraction
"That must be weird for women that you don't know what kind of dick and balls you're gonna get until it's way too late. It's the last thing you see. And it doesn't seem fair. It should be the first thing you see. Every date should start with a guy taking it out and saying 'is this gonna be ok?' 'yeah that's fine that's gonna be worth my time. go ahead and put it away, we'll deal with it later.'"
On Single-People Problems
"It's impossible for me to have any sympathy for single people. Whenever single people complain about anything, I really want them to just shut the f*ck up. . . . If you ask a single person how's it going, they're like, well, 'my girlfriend doesn't like the same music as me, and she acts bored at parties.' Well, f*cking call her, and say f*ck you, and hang up, and leave her! You can end that sh*t with a phone call!"