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Lock Your Doors! Nebraska Town Plagued by Butt Bandit!


Sometimes crime is terrible, sometimes it comes with a big greasy imprint of a bottom. Yup. I mean, I'm sure it's terribly violating to the victims but I can barely type I'm giggling so hard. Here goes: the town of Valentine, NE, isn't feeling so romantic lately — their most prolific vandal has been leaving imprints of his nether regions on windows all over town. Using Vaseline to ensure the imprint shows up nice and clear, store owners and school janitors have been mopping up the mess for more than a year.

The police chief says, "This is the weirdest case I've ever seen." But not ha-ha weird. He says, "It's not funny. We're worried about the next step." Reportedly, no one has seen the vandal in the act, though they're quite acquainted with his calling card. One victim said of being the butt of the crime, "We were completely grossed out. One day I walked into the office and an employee said, 'Oh, my God, we've been struck!'"

I can't fathom why they haven't caught the guy. I mean, it might not be of the finger-variety, but they have his prints, right?

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