Lesbian Bar Mistakes

Mistakes I Made the First Time I Visited a Lesbian Bar

We're happy to present this excerpt from one of our favorite sites, HowAboutWe. When going out for a night on the town, there are just some things you shouldn't do. Find out some of the mistakes one woman made during her first visit to a lesbian bar.

As a kid, I was a triangle haircut-having, L.L .Bean turtleneck-wearing, frog-catching, bucktooth-sporting little queer. I knew this because the majority of my evenings were spent doing solo interpretive-dance performances to MJ's "Man In the Mirror" in my living room in a hunter-green robe and top-hat with my mom uncomfortably looking on and golf-clapping every 20 minutes or so when I took a Gatorade break.

I'm taller now with debatably bigger breasts and a lot less corduroy in my wardrobe, but that's the only clear difference. In college I had an easier time finding a unicorn holding a four-leaf clover than I did an IRL queer girl. So one night, I decided it was time to hit up my first lesbian bar. It was called Cubby Hole, because that is a term for a vagina that no one has ever used.

Here are 10 mistakes I made that night that I would advise you not to repeat.

1. DO NOT wear a black spandex catsuit. You are not Catwoman. You look like Olivia Newton John from that final scene in Grease but not in a good way, and the fact that you're singing "You're the One That I Want" to the disapproving bartender isn't helping.

2. DO NOT try to hit on girls by leaning in and whispering "Hey what time does this bar close?" That is not a pickup line. That is a strangely precise and dead-end question that is not making anyone want to get naked with you. And again, you are not Catwoman.

3. DO NOT start talking to that girl named Jennifer who works at the AT&T store in Union Square. It seems like a good way to get free unlimited nights and weekend minutes, but she's not for you, bro.

4. DO NOT cab it back to her Hoboken apartment at 4 a.m. and heavy pet to Eminem and Rihanna's "Love The Way You Lie."

To find out the other six, head to HowAboutWe: The 10 Mistakes I Made the First Time I Visited a Lesbian Bar

—Caroline Perkins

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