Lesbian Asked Not to Wear Suit to Wedding

Awkward! Asked to Dress "More Feminine" For a Wedding

April 21, 2009

A friend told me an interesting story that provides a modern twist on the high drama that often goes on during wedding preparations.

Her friend — we'll call her X — identifies as a lesbian and often wears boyish clothes. X was invited to her cousin's wedding and asked to read a poem — but the cousin balked when she found out that she was going to wear a man's suit. "Can't you wear something more girlish and feminine — for me?!" was the gist of her response.

After some discussion, the cousin realized she was asking for something unfair; what difference did it make that X, someone she loved, wore a suit or not? The most important thing was that she would be there for the wedding. At the end of the day, X wore a suit, did a wonderful reading of the poem, and everyone lived happily ever after.

Have you ever had unreasonable sartorial demands asked of you for a wedding? (Like, say, "Please wear this fuchsia-colored bridesmaid dress so I look dazzling?") How did you handle it?

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49 Comments

2 years 39 weeks

I've been grappling with this same issue since I got engaged a year ago. My fiance's sister is a lesbian who definitely has not worn a dress since a dare in 6th grade. She associates herself more with the masculine side of things. Most people here are assuming this person wore a suit just "to be difficult/different/stand out/take the attention away from the bride&groom", when in fact, the person wore a suit because that's what they wear all the time. Being who you are is not "grabbing attention". We've asked her to be in the wedding, and I know that my OTHER FSIL and FMIL will be uncomfortable if she is wearing anything but a dress. FSIL already told her that she won't be in her own wedding if she doesn't wear a dress. My entire bridal party is choosing their own outfits. They can wear whatever they'd like to wear. And for those of you who are so concerned with these "matching" pictures, who the heck looks at them after the first year? I'd rather have the memory of my beautiful bridal party, each of them unique in their own way, rather than 20 people dressed identically, struggling to be themselves. By the way, I've been in 10 weddings come this October. Haven't felt comfortably dressed in but one of them, and in that case I was able to choose my own dress.

3 years 9 weeks

So I'm a lesbian with a more masculine gender expression, I wear "guy" clothes because it's what I'm most comfortable in, and generally it's better quality, cheaper, and I'm never cold. I also wear ties to work. I match, my clothes are fitted and stylish etc. One of my friends from Jr. High asked me to be her Maid of Honor in conservative Michigan, and said she would let me wear a suit, but "there's kinda going to be families, kids, etc. a formal event, so, you know.." I felt like she wanted to make a good impression, like people were going to judge her negatively, like she was friends with all those "liberal queerosexual Californians" and steal her thunder if I wore a suit. I was slightly hurt, but ended up wearing the dress awkwardly anyways, shelling out for the David's Bridal dress while oggling the Men's Warehouse right next door. Though I was decently attractive in a dress, it felt terrible, like I was in the closet all over again, just on the brink of tears. Even worse, the priest kept going on about how gays are ruining marriage etc. etc. but I sucked it up... I wanted to let my friend have her day. Point being...for any "to-be" Bridezillas or brides out there, please be a little more considerate when you ask your gay friend to change the way he/she looks.Gender expression isn't really like a choice you make in the morning. You'll seem demeaning and your friend might think you are ashamed of who THEY really are, which is more permanent and damaging than any special ocassion.

3 years 44 weeks

In the end it was the cousin's wedding and I think that X would have been herself in whatever outfit she wore.

3 years 45 weeks

A lot of people are comparing it to making men wear a suit instead of sports clothes, but this is different. It was a formal dress code and X was wearing a formal suit, thereby following the dress code. If she was a bridesmaid, the bride could tell her what to wear. But as a guest? She shouldn't say anything.

pinkpeonygirl 3 years 45 weeks

Here I go again, where I live in Europe we simply don't do the whole bridesmaid thing. Everybody comes dressed more or less formally (depending on the sort of marriage), no special instructions needed. I do expect someone taking part in the ceremony do be dressed a little special because that's what gives the message from that person that he or she understands how important and special this day is for you and that they made an effort as a sign of respect and honor. Nothing to do with every damn thing matching and coordinating.

mdemariah 3 years 49 weeks

P.S.: Man suits are great, and many of my friends have wore them to weddings so I see no point in making someone wear something else. Dressing manly doesn't mean you're not a great person who can say lovely things at your wedding!

mdemariah 3 years 49 weeks

I think being yourself is awesome but... if my brother had to read any poem at my wedding, I wouldn't let him come in sporty clothes (because he would, same as your fiancé, ladybirda ). I think... a wedding is a very special event and that microscopic problem might provoke the bride to freak out. Or maybe not, it depends of the bride.

ladybirda 3 years 49 weeks

If I can get my fiance in a suit on our wedding day, I'll be happy. He'd show up in gym clothes if I let him. :)

3 years 50 weeks

A wedding is not about self expression for the butch lesbian, a wedding is about showing up with respect for the couple of the hour. I don't like to wear suits, and I'd rather go in short and a simon cowel t0shirt, but my Mother taught me decorum and respect, and so I squeeze into my suit. zeze is right. You don't get a pass because you are special and political. There's too much self-entitlement today. She can be a butch 364 days of the year. Why doesn't she think of a cause other than yourself, for one.

beautifulmel 4 years 5 days

I don't get the bridezillas who feel the need to control what other people wear-- tux or dress, it doesn't matter as long as that person (who is going to be in front of a lot of people) is comfortable. But maybe I'm just more comfortable with people being themselves.

4 years 1 week

my sister asked me to wear a dress on her wedding day and not a tux. However, When i got up to read the poem shes selected for me, it wasnt there! and i stuttered akwardly and sat down... i was redder than my dress and as akward as how i was walking in it

jenwils 4 years 3 weeks

My mother had polio when she was young and has scars all over her legs from surgeries, so she prefers to wear pantsuits all the time. She would love to wear dresses but can't. She always looks feminine and beautiful, so just b/c X wore a pantsuit doesn't mean she looked like a boy. As long as she wore a tailored suit, I don't see the problem. I can understand, though, if the cousin was worried she was going to look sloppy or unsightly.

4 years 3 weeks

Why should brides be so caught up in all the stupid crap that goes along with the "perfect" wedding? I had one of those weddings, and I was a total b#$@h about it all, and you know what? It was a miserable day for me that ended in divorce shortly thereafter. As I start to plan my second wedding, I am not ashamed that I have been married before, but I am certainly excited that I get to show people something about who I truly am, and who my fiance truly is, and what we are truly like together--not try to appear perfect and pristine an ask others to bend over backwards to meet our every whim. Why is it so important to have the appearance of perfect if it means sacrificing the happiness of the guests? Isn't the point of having one of those perfect weddings so your guests will be impressed and have a good time? Then worry about making that happen rather than some keeping up this flawless facade.

Witchy Ways 4 years 4 weeks

I would expect people to dress up a little for a wedding. But dressing up, in my book at least, doesn't mean "girls must wear dresses". A suit is formal and dashing, especially for girls. Actually, the last couple of wedding I went to, a lot of women wore suits. Not everybody likes to wear dresses and since when are women required to wear dressed to look "feminine" anyway? That's just so prejudiced and kind of mean, too.

Witchy Ways 4 years 4 weeks

POPSUGAR Sex & Culture 4 years 4 weeks

Ha! I love it javsmav!

POPSUGAR Sex & Culture 4 years 4 weeks

Ha! I love it javsmav!

javsmav 4 years 4 weeks

I'm requiring male guests to dress in drag at my wedding. It's MY day, everyone must do as I command!!!

smartiez 4 years 4 weeks

Well, it is her wedding. She can grin and bear it for one day to make the bride a happy clam.

zeze 4 years 4 weeks

Honestly, I would have asked her to wear a dress. People are asked to do all sorts of things they hate in weddings, but they do them anyway to make that person's special day perfect - you don't get a pass for being a lesbian. My sister HATES makeup, gowns, hair styling, high heels...etc...but when a close family member gets married and it is a formal affair she will go all out for that person. She won't half-@ss it and wear just any dress and just pull her hair back. We are all asked to get our of our comfort zones to make someone we loves day - you don't get an exemption because your comfort zone comes with politics.

zeze 4 years 4 weeks

POPSUGAR Sex & Culture 4 years 4 weeks

From what I hear — she's a sharp dresser, so I doubt she'd wear like, a Zoot Suit with Converse sneakers to the wedding! Suits can be tailored to fit a woman properly. I think the issue was less "Is your suit going to fit you well?" than "OMG — you're going to wear a suit?!"

merie33 4 years 4 weeks

Was it a well-tailored suit, or a baggy, misfit one? I can almost understand if it didn't fit her right, because men's clothes aren't meant to fit women's bodies, and they do tend to look sloppy on them. And I don't think that she's just a guest..she was standing in front of the auditorium to read the poem, not just sitting in a pew...I don't think it's entirely out of line for the bride to want her to look nice. In a situation like akiyba's though, the bride really was out of place.Bella..it's funny that you mention that wedding...my sister-in-law was just in a wedding about a month ago and had the same stipulation from the bride.."I don't care what dress it is, as long as it's black" The bridal party looked great too!

merie33 4 years 4 weeks

Was it a well-tailored suit, or a baggy, misfit one? I can almost understand if it didn't fit her right, because men's clothes aren't meant to fit women's bodies, and they do tend to look sloppy on them. And I don't think that she's just a guest..she was standing in front of the auditorium to read the poem, not just sitting in a pew...I don't think it's entirely out of line for the bride to want her to look nice. In a situation like akiyba's though, the bride really was out of place. Bella..it's funny that you mention that wedding...my sister-in-law was just in a wedding about a month ago and had the same stipulation from the bride.."I don't care what dress it is, as long as it's black" The bridal party looked great too!

Symphonee 4 years 4 weeks

I am waiting for the tomatoes to fly at me because I would have asked the same thing. Sorry.I know I am in the minority but before my brother passed I asked him that I if I got married, would he wear a suit to my ceremony and he agreed . I asked him because it had been so long since I had seen him in one and it would probably be the first time for sooo many people. Heck, it would be the first time in a long time that some people have seen me in a dress!!

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