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Joan Rivers's Best Sex Jokes

Joan Rivers's 20 Best Jokes About Sex

Comedienne Joan Rivers has passed away at 81, but her hilarious one-liners will live on forever. Never one to shy away from controversial topics, the groundbreaking funny lady — who wore many hats including actress, stand-up comic, writer, producer, and television host — really told it how it is (especially when it came to her sex life). In honor of the late, great firecracker, here are some of our favorite Joan Rivers lines on sex.

  1. "Want to know why women don't blink before foreplay? Not enough time."
  2. "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."
  3. "No man has ever put his hand up a woman's dress looking for a library card."
  4. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
  5. "I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid."
  6. "Before we make love my husband takes a painkiller."
  7. "My love life is like a piece of swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks."
  8. "My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there, but they don't want to visit."
  9. "You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it."
  10. "My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head."
  11. "Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass."
  12. "The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, 'He's flashing! He's flashing!' In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss."
  13. "When the rabbi said, 'Do you take this man,' 14 guys said, 'She has.' My husband bought the horseback-riding story, thank God."
  14. "I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked."
  15. "I was so flat, I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet."
  16. "My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark."
  17. "I saw my first porno film recently. It was a Jewish porno film — one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt."
  18. "Everybody talks about multiple orgasms. Multiple orgasm — I'm lucky if both sides of my toaster pop."
  19. "Your mother told you that your man is looking for a woman that can cook and clean. I am telling you: these are lies, my darlings. Not one woman was made love to because she did the linoleum."
  20. "I call my G-spot Amelia Earhart, 'cause no one has looked for it in 40 years."

And now let's close out our tribute by watching Joan talk about her dating life in the 1960s:

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