Jealousy About Friends in Relationships

Group Therapy: I'm Jealous of His Platonic Friendship

by Tres Community 12

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Can anyone offer tips for dealing with jealousy? I feel really silly for being so jealous, and I don't know how to get over it.

He's been friends with this girl for at least 10 years, and she even has a boyfriend, but this still has me SO stressed out. He even said he really, really wanted to see me today (after he hangs out with her) and of course, I didn't see the positive in this . . . All I heard was "after I hang out with her." 

I know there's nothing going on since he's been friends with her forever, and openly tells me when he's seeing her and doesn't act all secretive, but here I am feeling like a jealous psycho! Help!

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12 Comments

sabrinaBee sabrinaBee
From my experience I always trust my gut instinct...and if I don't like a woman, meeting her will not make things any better. I will never get to like her. It's either me or her. If it's her, then good riddance to bad rubbish :)
Carri Carri
I also agree with Helen. Also, there comes a time in life where your boyfriend/husband is going to be around other women whether you like it or not (for work, etc).
TheEnchantedOne TheEnchantedOne
I agree with Helen :)
TheEnchantedOne TheEnchantedOne
I agree with Helen :)
Helen Danger Helen Danger
I don't think the OP has done anything psychotic, Anonymous 6. The advice above is great. Tell your bf you want the two of you to go out with both the friend and her boyfriend and get to know them. That gives you a chance to observe the two of them and to reassure yourself that everyone involved is happily taken. (One thing that helps me stop being jealous is the thought, "Jealousy is seriously unattractive." It makes you seem like you see yourself as less than the girl you are jealous of. It's like you're saying, "I suck compared to her. No wonder you like/want her more than me.") Your bf is doing all the right things, so reward him with your trust. It will mean a lot to him. Remember that you are the one with the problem, not him. Don't be tempted to push the blame for your feelings onto him. The time to take the trust away would be if his actions stopped matching up with his words. If you handle yourself well, that ought never happen.
Helen Danger Helen Danger
I don't think the OP has done anything psychotic, Anonymous 6.The advice above is great. Tell your bf you want the two of you to go out with both the friend and her boyfriend and get to know them. That gives you a chance to observe the two of them and to reassure yourself that everyone involved is happily taken.(One thing that helps me stop being jealous is the thought, "Jealousy is seriously unattractive." It makes you seem like you see yourself as less than the girl you are jealous of. It's like you're saying, "I suck compared to her. No wonder you like/want her more than me.")Your bf is doing all the right things, so reward him with your trust. It will mean a lot to him. Remember that you are the one with the problem, not him. Don't be tempted to push the blame for your feelings onto him. The time to take the trust away would be if his actions stopped matching up with his words. If you handle yourself well, that ought never happen.
I'm black and it's hard for me to trust men anymore. Back when I was 15, I was dating a 19 year old white guy. After 3 months of dating, I remember him feeling very upset about a baby that had died. He even went to the funeral. After that, I went on AIM and his new AIM account said "STEVEN
juicebox07 juicebox07
I am a naturally jealous person, so I know how you feel. I get jealous when my boyfriend hangs out with girl friends (even if they have a boyfriend). What helps me is to try to get to know the girl friends a little bit. Maybe even become friends with them.
le romantique le romantique
I know how you feel! 90% of my friends are men, so I know how my boyfriend must feel... My boyfriend has many female friends, I met and love them all... except one that I haven't met that he sees about once every other week. They were college partners on a final project and still get together to talk about film projects (they both majored in journalism/masscom). I have yet to meet her, which kinda irks me, but the worst part is how she reacts when he doesn't hang out with her. She lives with her boyfriend but she FREAKS out if she wants to hang out with my boyfriend and he isn't planning on hanging out with her. Makes me a little jealous when he actually does hang out with her. Anyway, I find it best to meet and become at least friendly with the platonic friends, who knows, maybe you'll click and end up realizing there was no need for the jealously. Another thing is just trusting your partner, it is easier said than done though, as the above poster stated, it's the unknown that drives us crazy!
le romantique le romantique
I know how you feel! 90% of my friends are men, so I know how my boyfriend must feel... My boyfriend has many female friends, I met and love them all... except one that I haven't met that he sees about once every other week. They were college partners on a final project and still get together to talk about film projects (they both majored in journalism/masscom). I have yet to meet her, which kinda irks me, but the worst part is how she reacts when he doesn't hang out with her. She lives with her boyfriend but she FREAKS out if she wants to hang out with my boyfriend and he isn't planning on hanging out with her. Makes me a little jealous when he actually does hang out with her. Anyway, I find it best to meet and become at least friendly with the platonic friends, who knows, maybe you'll click and end up realizing there was no need for the jealously. Another thing is just trusting your partner, it is easier said than done though, as the above poster stated, it's the unknown that drives us crazy!
Bridey123 Bridey123
I understand how your feeling. If my husband was catching up with a female friend of 10 yrs, maybe I'd feel the same! My suggest would be to meet this girl. Organize to do lunch together and get to know her a little. You might then trust her a little and get to see how thy interact and realize there's nothing to be jealous over. It's the 'unknown' that drives us crazy.
Bridey123 Bridey123
I understand how your feeling. If my husband was catching up with a female friend of 10 yrs, maybe I'd feel the same! My suggest would be to meet this girl. Organize to do lunch together and get to know her a little. You might then trust her a little and get to see how thy interact and realize there's nothing to be jealous over. It's the 'unknown' that drives us crazy.
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