I'm the Only Virgin of All My Friends

Group Therapy: I'm the Only Virgin of All My Friends

November 19, 2010

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

So I'm in college right now, which is the prime age for sexual endeavors I suppose. I turn 20 in January (so I guess I'm not THAT old. . . ), and I will still be a virgin. I hear my friends talking about taking their birth control and stuff, or talking about their boyfriends (I don't have one), and I get reallllly down. I'm not saving myself for marriage, and I don't look down on people who have sex, but I just feel so out of the loop. Sometimes I feel like if I really wait for someone I want to lose it to, then I'll be like 23, and then guys will all wonder WHY I'm still a virgin, and then run away . . . And I also just have the URGE to do it. Hello hormones.

I'm no prude, I'm not religious, and I'm not ugly by a long shot. But I still feel like a big loser. But then again...I'd also feel like a big loser if I gave my V-card to someone unworthy, or if I got pregnant or something.

I'm not sure what to say. Has anyone here ever felt this way? Has anyone here waited to have sex and have it turn out to be a good decision. . .?

What if graduate college and I'm still a virgin, and I have to go out into the real world being so inexperienced? What a joke. I'd cry.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Source: Thinkstock

44 Comments

whats her name 2 years

Can I just say that I love how the photo for this question is a geeky looking girl with glasses and books. I'd just like to point out for the record geek does not equal virgin.

aliintern 2 years

I'm in exactly the same situation. Only I'm 22 and about to graduate. I don't look down on others and am not a prude, just never was a hook up kind of gal and didn't really have a boyfriend... it's just like I feel like I'm getting too old and might have this weird stigma which I hope is all in my head

soulsearcher83 2 years

I lost it at 22, and I still wish I had waited longer. No kidding, I really do. I did it with the wrong person, and several wrong people after that. I should have waited for someone important to be with. It sounds like the only one stressing over this is you, so you're doing it to yourself. Your friends don't care whether or not you're a virgin. Even if they did, who gives? Relax and enjoy college. If you meet the right person, go for it. But don't be in such a rush to start having sex.

Venus1 2 years

I hope the original poster really take sin the above post. It is so positive. And yes, having sex with a friend can be special.

pixi0ed 2 years

I was in almost the exact situation as you are now in. I am 22 now and waiting until I was almost 21 to lose my virginity. My friends all did the same thing, they'd talk about it all the time and I wouldn't really have any input. I was scared to try it because I thought guys would think i'm weird or I wouldn't know how to do anything. I'm good looking, i'm flirty, guys like me. I just thought well I've waited this long why would I just give it up now?? Thing is, I wanted to have sex. I have a sex drive. I got bored waiting around for Mr. Right boyfriend who never came along. Not anyone that I really want to seriously date. So, I started to go out to the bars or parties and talk to guys...Found one that I secretly always had a crush on since freshman year. We walked home from the bar one night and all we did was fool around. This was my first time ever touching a penis (ha)! I saw him out again not long after, and we hooked up again...He knew I was virgin because I told him about it the first night (and he wasn't scared away). He was very casual about it and honestly didn't even care or judge me. So....we ended up having sex. The first time wasn't the most pleasant, but I got it over with and honestly, I do not regret having sex with a guy who is not my boyfriend. I'm still single now but I am much more confident and I am having a very good time if you know what I mean. Sex gets better and better the more times you have it. The first few times are just okay, but the guy is not going to mind because honestly I don't think they notice how new you are to it. Once I got more used to it and more confident its amazing! I think you should just find a guy you are attracted to and go for it. Waiting around is boring. Just make sure to start yourself up on birth control pills first, I was already taking mine before I decided to lose my virginity. And I still make sure I use condoms if I hook up with a guy.

noelleteresa 2 years

Frankie says relax.

stephy1991 2 years

It is not something to feel weird about, this is something big!! Dont do it with someone your not in love with. That moment will stay with you forever.

2 years

Okay so this is actually very wierd b.c I am in college. Im turning 20 in january. I do not have a bf and Im still a virgin....It looks like we have the exact same delima. I feel the same way you do. I feel soo left out. I really cant stand it when my friends tell me to wait till i find the right person and stuff cause i feel like they are talking down to me as if they know so much. Everyone of my friends has had sex so i feel out of the loop. I cant stand it when they all talk about it and im just sitting there. I honestly think the only thing we can do is just go with the flow. The more we think about it, the more paranoid or upset we will get. If we go with the flow things will fall into place( its annoying though, but i actually know exactly how you feel so hopefully we'll get over this)

pureperfection 2 years

hey girl, dont know if youre still reading replies or not. but regardless, BE PROUD OF YOUR VIRGINITY, YOUR VIRGINITY IS SACRED. even gaga agrees, not like i really care about gaga. but i think saving yourself for someone worthy and serious is the best. there is always B.O.B(battery-operated boyfriend) *winks*

Diana0504 2 years

Hey! i was exactly in your shoes... at 20, a freshman in college. i was still a virgin, BUT i already had a boyfriend for 3 years... i didn't really want to wait, but i was afraid... and i know the talks about sex and contraceptives and such, but... the feeling that you didn't do a mistake after losing it, is worth the wait and the awkward feelings... and all the guys that run away from virgins, aren't worth the time, because they're only after fun... stay true to yourself and the right guy will come :)

2 years

I think this is way more common than most people realize, we just don't talk about it because it's considered to be something to be ashamed of! When really, people are a lot less judgemental than you'd think. I lost mine at 22, but I haven't done it again for a year and I don't feel bad at all. I wouldn't even tell my friends at first, but when I did everyone told me it wasn't a big deal and that they wish they waited too. Really you just have to do what is best for you and not worry about what others think so much. Easier said than done but in the end it's about you.

Venus1 2 years

I agree 100% with the above post.

2 years

Yeah, I would say get over it. You're not a loser for being a 20 year old virgin. How would it be statistically possible that everyone could lose their virginity before the age of 20? I was the same as you, I didn't end up losing my virginity until I was 22. I ended up having sex with a guy I really liked but knew that a longterm relationship with him wouldn't be feasible. I don't regret it. Just think, at least your protecting yourself from STDs. I'd much rather be in the position of telling someone I was a virgin then having to tell them I have herpes. And for those people who say to "wait for the right guy" that's just B.S. Just try to make sure it's not some college booze infused hook up. Waiting for the right guy is just a arbitrary notion --those girls don't know what they're talking about. It should be with someone you really like but you'll never know if it's the "right guy". You can't rush these things, and for godsake get a vibrator.

2 years

you know what your problem is? you are confident and independent and just because you get a little bit down, you don't feel the need to give up the respect you have for yourself to give it up to some random. the problem? nobody else your age is that mature yet. good news: you'll either find an exception in male form soon, or you'll end up with an older guy. stay confident in your own beliefs no matter what they are grounded in and know that even after you lose your virginity, you need to keep checking in on yourself to make sure you're doing things for YOU, not anybody else.

2 years

Your situation is way more common than you'd think. Like a few other posters here, I graduated college a virgin (from the top party school in the country at the time, go figure) and didn't melt. I dated some in college but never found the "right" guy. I was raised religious but am not really anymore, but I still refused to have sex with someone I didn't love. I met my boyfriend soon after I graduated, and dated him for a few months before we had sex. I'm in grad school now and things are still great. The only other thing I'd mention is that if you're having trouble meeting guys, I recommend online dating. I signed up for a "free communication weekend" on eHarmony after my brother had been dating his girlfriend that he met through that site for about a year. I didn't really get too far with that weekend, but once you make a profile, if you refuse to pay them for a while, they continue to drop the price and make you offers. It got down to $30.00 for 3 months and I signed up, figuring that's the cost of a bad date. That's how I met my boyfriend, and many MANY of my friends have since tried online dating with success. Just another option to consider!

Venus1 2 years

I agree with Roaring Silence. Stock up on those condoms now, don't wait and then find you haven't got one at the wrong time.

2 years

I'm 23 and a virgin. And I have no regrets. It's not some religious stand against pre-marital sex or anything...I'm just confident and content being independent and trying to achieve my goals. Own it, girl! Any person that doesn't appreciate your independence and confidence clearly isn't worth your time (or giving your v-card to!)

jazzytummy 2 years

The more you focus on virginity being a detriment and something to abhor, the more you will put out an insecure, unappealing vibe to potential boyfriends. Seriously, this will end up being a vicious cycle for you. Just try to chill about it and focus on other things that you enjoy. Work on areas in your life that make you feel happy and connected to people. Doing that, you are more likely to put out a happy, confident vibe which is attractive, and are more likely to meet men with similar interests. BTW, to Rory, I get what you are trying to say about if someone is a virgin, they haven't had long term relationships, but your reasoning is faulty. There are plenty of women in relationships that want to wait for marriage, and there are even more that have never had a long term relationship, but enjoy casual sex, just look at the OP's friends. I personally have actually never heard someone say, "I waited to have sex with someone I loved, and I really regret it." But I have heard plenty of "why did I sleep with that douche?" Hell, I have said it myself! :)

ginny311 2 years

I was in your exact position last year, when I was a junior in college. For a while I thought I just wanted to get it over with, but when that opportunity came up I realized it's not what I want. When I turned 21 I was so worried that maybe I'll never meet him and I'll graduate still a virgin, etc etc. As cliche as it sounds to "wait for the right guy" and "be ready," it's totally true. Eventually in the spring I did meet my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) and I'm so so glad I waited. Our first time was incredibly special and even though the relationship didn't end up working out I'm still really happy to have shared that with him. He was completely understanding and caring and we didn't do it until I was ready. I thought I wanted to make it "special," planning it out with flowers or candles or something, but in the end it was special enough by itself. He did admit that when I first told him I was a virgin (I told him early on so he wouldn't try anything) that he was a bit worried he'd have to "teach" me. But of course sex is not about doing it right or doing it particularly well - it's about two people who have a strong enough connection to make the experience worth it despite any technical difficulties. I felt safe and secure and comfortable with him so even though I was a newbie we were still able to make it better. Because I was able to tell him I was a virgin, I know he cherished our first time as much as I did, and it was that much more special. Don't worry about being a virgin. Take care of yourself, put yourself out there when meeting new people, work on improving yourself. The rest will follow naturally. Honestly, the boys who judge you for being a virgin are not worth it. I hope you're able to find what you're looking for because I did and I waited.

sarah_bellum 2 years

Well, I'm 23 and still a virgin. I'm not a prude, devoid of a sex drive, religious, and I'm far from ugly, and I don't feel like a loser at all. In fact it's something I'm kind of proud of. Scarcity brings value, as far as I'm concerned. Believe me, I'm looking forward to that experience one day, but I'm waiting for someone who really values me. Watching the situations my friends put themselves in, and the consequences (I don't even mean pregnancy and STI's... sex is so perfunctory and meaningless to some of them) makes me so grateful I had the foresight to hold out for someone special. I know it can feel very alienating at times, but try to keep some perspective. It'll happen one day.

RoaringSilence 2 years

I know how you feel. I lost my virginity at a very late age, as well. Thankfully though it was never a big topic among my friends. Yes, they mentioned their boyfriends, but not to the point where I felt left out. Anyway. I have never heard of anyone who claimed that waiting for sex made it better for them. You're clearly at an age where it's perfectly reasonable to start having sex, and besides, most people get heartbroken because of failed relationships, and that is perfectly possible even if you never got naked. I never regarded my first time as something that had to be set up in a special way, or done with a special person. I actually even expected it to be the worst sex, and that it would go up from there. But because I waited so long, it actually turned out to be awesome, just like anytime I've done anything since. I am of course grateful I didn't do anything at a much younger age, because who knows, it may have been painful or whatever. Other than that.. don't stand in your own way because you're waiting for someone special. You're not diminishing how special all the other times will be, no matter who you have your first time with. I almost had mine with some Irish dude who happened to stumble into my hotel room when I was on a class trip when I was 18 (we both passed out before doing anything though, haha) Maybe that's the idea... traveling? :p Maybe somewhere far away no one will be able to resist how exotic you are! And then once the pressure's off, I'm sure people will come flocking to you =P By the way, about getting pregnant right the first time.. please make absolutely sure that doesn't happen then, or ever. Carry some condoms with you at all times. Just get them now, they last a while. The saddest thing would be if you had the chance to hook up, but had to stop because you weren't prepared.

BlancaBlanca 2 years

Forgot a main point and that is - trust. I was attracted to the guy, I knew him but most of all I trusted he was a good person and I trusted he would treat me as I deserved. Oh, and by the way, when he found out I was a virgin, he kissed me and said "Thank you", it made him feel special. Of course guys will know it was your own choice. Anyone can have sex, anyone, ugly/pretty, smart/stupid. It is a matter of choice. So listen to your heart and instincts and make your choice whenever you feel you are ready!

2 years

Hey there! That was me 4 years ago. The way you felt is exactly the way I felt back then and my attitude was the same. No problem with sex at all, just hadn't met the person I wanted to do it with. So I felt the hormones like you say and I also felt that I had this huge amount of love that I want to give. It was too much to handle at the time I felt. So I tried dating but got the impression that guys wanted to have sex right away and were always looking for a shortcut. So I still didn't do it although I felt tempted. And them , believe me, I didn't do anything special, I just relaxed. Had more fun at parties, tried to be more open to people. I met this guy that I wasnt sure if I liked but I felt strong attraction. I got to know him and was very fond of him, seemed like a truly good guy who liked me for who I was. So I did it with him. And no, I wasn't in love. Im not sure he was either. But it was nice and of course - sex is wonderful, the more the better. It turned out that we were good for each other, fell in love, stayed together for 4 years. Thats my story. Just wanted to share. My point is - dont stress out too much. Let people talk and listen to what they say because you learn from that as well (safe sex, be more careful, etc). Dont let anyone make you feel like you are anything but normal. Do things your way and you will never regret them.

2 years

Oh girl. I have been there. I was a month past my 21st birthday when I lost my virginity and I committed some "don'ts" that I hope you can steer clear of. I decided to lose my virginity because I was honestly sick of being a virgin. I was in a sorority for my freshman and sophomore year of college and would desperately try to keep my virginity a secret, telling the other girls that I had lost it to my high school boyfriend when in fact I had always been to shy and nervous to go all the way with him. Throughout my time in the sorority, I dated many boys but never felt the connection, timing, or God even knows what was right to give my body to him. Sometimes boys understood, other times they bailed. I was too embarrassed to outwardly say I was a virgin and nervous about having sex, so I would tease them and avoid the subject all together. After I turned 21, I began dating this boy who I saw as far more mature, experienced, and wordly than I. I couldn't handle the thought of him seeing me as an ignorant little girl so I made the decision for us to have sex. Here is my mistake: I didn't tell him I was a virgin. When you do have sex, TELL HIM. I was scared, confused, and had no idea what I was doing. I'm going to get graphic: I was so nervous I couldn't properly "get aroused" so he couldn't get in, and having never had sex before, I was struck with the terrifying thought that there was something wrong with me (I found out later this is a normal first time experience). Had I told him, he would have been sympathetic and helped me figure out what was going on. We dated for a couple more months before things fizzled out, all the while having sex and as they say, you do get more comfortable every time you do it. It wasn't until I began having sex with my current boyfriend that things clicked, and now I enjoy sex immensely. I used to view it as something only for the boys pleasure, but once you find a connection with a boy you love, it's amazing and definitely worth the wait. I know that was a bit of a rant but do not feel bad for still being a virgin at twenty. Just don't commit my mistakes and accept the fact that you have values, standards and expectations for yourself that you are not willing to settle for. If you approach it from that standpoint and not one of embarrassment, I promise boys will respect and covet you more.

Link Love

44 Comments