I'm Completely Falling For My Ex-Boyfriend's Friend

February 13, 2010

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I was seeing a guy for a few months, I wasn't greatly attracted to him but he sort of wooed me and then things just happened from there. I did start liking him more and more, but we had a rocky relationship and the "honeymoon period" lasted about two weeks. We kept trying to make it work, but I always tried so hard as there were things about me he wanted to change (I thought this was strange).

I never really felt like he had a lot of respect for me and a few things happened that made me like him less and less. He then out of the blue told me he loved me and by then I didn't feel the same and I just felt so exhausted. We are not together anymore but he says he is heartbroken.

Here is the very horrible tricky bit, I have found myself really falling for his friend. I knew him before and really like him but I am not the type to make the first move and I just left it. Because I was spending more time with my ex's friend I guess it opened the can of worms, and now I can't get him out of my head, I can't stop looking at him, thinking about him and really really feeling for him. I can't even remember the last time I felt like this, everything looks better, I feel happier and yet it's the worst feeling in the world because it's wrong to pursue it; I would never want to come between two friends. I just don't know how or if I can get over him! I'm not 100 percent sure but I kind of get a feeling he likes me too. I've never been in this sort of situation and honest advice would be appreciated. I'm sooo confused.

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24 Comments

2 years

usualy friends rub off on each other so the part that you liked from your ex is probaly coming from his friend

Anneleah 3 years

You can definitely date him! Leave the past behind. If you're not a 100% sure he likes you, and he's not asking you out then use <a href="http://mysexystories.com/blog/2010/05/06/rules-of-attraction-how-to-get-the-guy/">Rules of Attraction: How To Get The Guy</a>..GoodLuck!

Anneleah 3 years

You can definitely date him! Leave the past behind. If you're not a 100% sure he likes you, and he's not asking you out then use Rules of Attraction: How To Get The Guy..GoodLuck!

nenny84 3 years

Forgot to mention we were all actually friends. We shot on the same pool team and my ex and my current bf used to practice together and hang out. Then my ex flipped out when he found out about us dating and now there is no more drama with him. My bf and I are happy and things seem to be going very well for both of us. :)

nenny84 3 years

I am dating one of my ex's friends. Neither of us talk to him anymore and people who I became friends with through my ex are happy to see me so happy. My ex and I ended on bad terms and tried to do the friend thing but it didn't work. I say talk to the guy about it and just see where it goes.

3 years

It's important too, to remember that most guys have A LOT of pride and like girls, they also gossip among each other! So keep in mind that they will be talking about you, and more than likely it won't be all good stuff! And as for the pride part, no guy wants to deal with their buddy ragging on and on about how they were with you too! Guys like showing their gf's off and having the satisfaction of knowing that you are all his, and that his friends will never have a chance to know you in such a way! I hope you make the right decision!!! Good Luck!

brandysbug 3 years

oy! This is a tough one. I dated one of my exes' best friends in college. Personally, it was a very bad experience for all parties involved. I dated guy #1 for about a year...almost immediately after he broke up with me, I started "noticing" the friend as an option. I had always thought he was attractive even though I denied it to guy #1 when we were together. The friend, guy #2, called me up one night & we soon became a pair. When guy #1 found out his best friend was dating me, he was extremely upset, tried to talk him out of it, told him he didn't know why I wanted him because I told him (guy #1) I didn't find him (guy #2) attractive, etc . We all had many mutual friends and most of them, understandably, took guy #1's side. They felt he was the most "wronged" in this situation. Guy #2 and I became serious very quickly and, although we were essentially incompatible, we were out to prove to everybody that we were in the right. We dated for nearly a year as well, but then he started to make amends with guy #1, they started re-building their friendship, and apparently I became a frequent topic of conversation (not in a good way!) As they were building their friendship back up, they were tearing me down. It all became too much as guy #2 would relay things guy #1 said to him about me - it would cause us to fight, etc. I didn't realize how many bridges it burned until after I was out of college and I had lost a lot of friends because of the whole debacle. In the end, neither one of them were right for me and I'm happily married to someone whose friends I never dated hehe :) Maybe it could work for you, but I'd consider it very carefully!

reesiecup 3 years

Life is too short to spend pining over someone. I realize that a lot of males buy into the "bros before ho's" and "friends don't date ex-girlfriends" bit but if he really has feelings for you too, he will probably make those known. How close of friends are they? For now, I would wait it out...you just got out of that horrible relationship and out of respect, he probably won't be putting any moves on you. He may need a little hint one of these days. For now, focus on making yourself whole again. Could it be possible that you're so attracted to the friend b/c he DIDN'T make you feel like crap? It's easy to have conflicting emotions in such situations.

reesiecup 3 years

Life is too short to spend pining over someone. I realize that a lot of males buy into the "bros before ho's" and "friends don't date ex-girlfriends" bit but if he really has feelings for you too, he will probably make those known. How close of friends are they?For now, I would wait it out...you just got out of that horrible relationship and out of respect, he probably won't be putting any moves on you. He may need a little hint one of these days. For now, focus on making yourself whole again. Could it be possible that you're so attracted to the friend b/c he DIDN'T make you feel like crap? It's easy to have conflicting emotions in such situations.

Spacekatdude 3 years

Hard for this dude to give advice without asking more questions:- Is your ex psycho or potentially dangerous? An important consideration. If yes to either, then probably not worth the risk.- Is your ex someone who's reasonable enough so that you could tell him - AFTER the first date with his friend. Immediately after. But in such a way that you're not telling him to rub salt in his wounds, you're just informing him, not asking his permission. Respect is key here.- An important issue is that when you date someone, and especially if you marry him - you're not just marrying a single person, you're marrying into a family. And I define "family" vary broadly to include close friends. If you start dating your ex's friend, and you want this to be a long-term thing, depending on their personalities, it could turn a lifelong friendship between buddies into a bloodfeud. Or your ex could make your life a living hell for the longest time.Again, it all depends on the guys and how crazy/reasonable they are.

Spacekatdude 3 years

Hard for this dude to give advice without asking more questions: - Is your ex psycho or potentially dangerous? An important consideration. If yes to either, then probably not worth the risk. - Is your ex someone who's reasonable enough so that you could tell him - AFTER the first date with his friend. Immediately after. But in such a way that you're not telling him to rub salt in his wounds, you're just informing him, not asking his permission. Respect is key here. - An important issue is that when you date someone, and especially if you marry him - you're not just marrying a single person, you're marrying into a family. And I define "family" vary broadly to include close friends. If you start dating your ex's friend, and you want this to be a long-term thing, depending on their personalities, it could turn a lifelong friendship between buddies into a bloodfeud. Or your ex could make your life a living hell for the longest time. Again, it all depends on the guys and how crazy/reasonable they are.

Gdeeaz 3 years

Well first you need to find out if this guy even likes you because if he doesn't you are stressing over nothing. Now if he does like you than really its up to him what happens. I don't know how close these two guys are but if they are very close and he knows his friend is heartbroken over you then most likely he will not pursue a relationship with you unless he has his friends blessing.

rippednylon 3 years

I'm with the few comments above me, you should first find out if he shares your feelings, and if he does there is no harm in pursuing it. Your ex is just that, an ex, he's over and done with and while it lasted, it doesn't sound like it was very good.

spacekatgal 3 years

Don't stress it. If you want it, go get it.

sassyroots 3 years

Sparklestar: I agree the vibe between two people are magical. That might be your future conquest lol. Life is too short and he sounded like a d!(K anyway sorry for that but he does. You words are so beautiful talking about him and i think you should give it a try..let your ex know only if you both start digging each other more to where you might have a serious relationship.

tlsgirl 3 years

I'm with jessiebanana. This doesn't sound like it was some perfect, long-term relationship for you, and you owe it to yourself to give the friend a shot.

Jessiebanana 3 years

Personally, I think the best you can do in life is to try not hurt other people, but your first obligation is to yourself.Your not with him anymore, you didn't cheat on him, and frankly he sounds a bit weird. I say pursue it. The friend may not even like you and you can move on, but if he does you just have to stand your ground, you've done nothing wrong. It'll be awkward, yes, but you'll all get over it. It's not like you were engaged or dating for years.

Jessiebanana 3 years

Personally, I think the best you can do in life is to try not hurt other people, but your first obligation is to yourself. Your not with him anymore, you didn't cheat on him, and frankly he sounds a bit weird. I say pursue it. The friend may not even like you and you can move on, but if he does you just have to stand your ground, you've done nothing wrong. It'll be awkward, yes, but you'll all get over it. It's not like you were engaged or dating for years.

kurniakasih 3 years

Since you say you're the type of gal who doesn't make the first move, what do you think he feels about you?Nothing wrong to have a strong feeling for someone (esp. since you're single), but I think the whole 'I'm scared to come between two friends' is a little too early unless the guy has showed to you that he wants something more from you.When that time comes (whoever initiated it, you or him), then you guys can discuss on what to do, is it wise, how to break the news, etc. Good luck.

kurniakasih 3 years

Since you say you're the type of gal who doesn't make the first move, what do you think he feels about you? Nothing wrong to have a strong feeling for someone (esp. since you're single), but I think the whole 'I'm scared to come between two friends' is a little too early unless the guy has showed to you that he wants something more from you. When that time comes (whoever initiated it, you or him), then you guys can discuss on what to do, is it wise, how to break the news, etc. Good luck.

sparklestar 3 years

I'm dating my ex-boyfriend's best friend, but with his blessing. I don't understand the "off-limits" rule... just go for it !!

sparklestar 3 years

I'm dating my ex-boyfriend's best friend, but with his blessing.I don't understand the "off-limits" rule... just go for it !!

totygoliguez 3 years

I’m in a similar situation. I like my professor, obviously is not going to work (there is no way I’m going to jeopardize my future and he is going to jeopardize his work). I try to control my feelings for him and I try to not let them get me. If you know something is not going to happen, then, the best thing you can do is move on. Try to find a distraction. I move on by not letting my feelings control my life and by being honest with myself.

JoeTyndall 3 years

Distract, distract, distract. You need to distract yourself by thinking about someone new. Think about the cutie down at McDonald’s. Somebody. I remember the time I started looking around for someone who I could use to distract myself from thoughts about my ex. There was a cute girl (I am a guy) who worked down at the local grocery store. I never planned to ask her out, I didn’t even plan to try to get some kind of friendship going. I was using her only as a distraction. Whenever thoughts of my ex would pop into my head, I would think about her. It worked — not well — but it worked.

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