I Want to Hook Up With a Girl

Group Therapy: I Want to Hook Up With a Girl

October 29, 2010

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have a fantasy of hooking up with a girl. Not just kissing but being naked and going all the way. The problem is that my boyfriend, who I've been in a relationship with for years, thinks of it as cheating if I even so much as kissed another girl. I have a friend who is very curious as well, but her boyfriend says the same thing. I wouldn't want to ruin the friendship anyway, but I don't know what to do about these thoughts that keep plaguing my mind.

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23 Comments

Jake2010 2 years 29 weeks

Hmmmm... this one is a hard one... seeing as this is fantasy/curiosity material.... there should not be an overwhelming sense of urgency to hook up with a girl... I think you might get what you want by talking more to your boyfriend about it... study the pros and cons.... as a guy, I don't think I would be freaked out if my gf wanted to try it and she wanted me to participate or at least watch.... I WOULD be more concerned if my gf wanted me to share her with another guy.... although both 3-some styles hold curiosity I can honestly state I would have a much bigger issue with another guy on my girl - especially if I really cared for her... in a one-night-stand environment.. then I'll do it with any combination and just have fun with it... Just my 2 cents...

Jake2010 2 years 29 weeks

Girl101 2 years 29 weeks

I had some of the same feelings, but my boyfriend now husband understood. We set some ground rules and explored our sexual desires and fantasies. It helped that I wanted him to participate, kind of a safety blanket for me and a fmf was a fantasy of his. I enjoyed it very much, but I still consider myself straight. After a few times, we both seemed to be realize that making love was better with just the two of us but I am glad I was able to see what it was like and that he was so understanding about my curiosity. I think in the long run we are stronger because I am not wondering if I am missing something and it is not some forbidden fruit.

2 years 29 weeks

Dear curious, From personal and professional experience I would recommend the following: 1. If you want to hold on to your relationship with your boyfriend and if he considers it cheating and says no and you'll do it anyway, you have about a 95% your relationship will be over. Sooner or later you'll feel guilty or you will have one drink too much and you'll tell. If that is not such an issue ... which is up for you to decide then I would recommend living out your fantasy. But still some questions for you: Do you want to spend your life with your boyfriend, do you want him as your husband, as the father of your child(ren), do you want to grow old with him, do you want to wake up next to him for the rest of your days? If the answer is yes, then don't do it. 2. Living out any fantasy is not something you want to do with a good friend, you won't be able to go back to how it was before. As her boyfriend is against it too, you might even cause a break-up and if she is your friend you don't want to take up that role, it will make things very awkward between the two of you. 3. How are you feeling about yourself, do you find yourself attractive, are you feeling sensual and loving towards yourself (clothing, food, relaxation, music, perfume, exercise, ...)? Sometimes women develop a fantasy of making love with another woman, whilst actually what they truly crave is to melt with that sensual female aspect and how it would make them feel. Is your sensual and sexual life with your partner what you want it to be? Are you taking care of you? Consider taking a day off to a spa, having your nails done, your hair, buying new lingerie, a massage, a new perfume, .... 4. If you've checked 1/2/3 and want to do it anyway, be safe, be single, don't do it with your friend and go enjoy yourself - indulge! With Love, A.

jill10014 2 years 29 weeks

This is a bit of a situation and you haven't given enough information to give you perfect advice - I can only present information to you based on what I have been through. My bf of six years and I are in the swinger community and regularly hold swinger parties ... and see this issue come up quite a bit. When does sex (including kissing, oral, etc.) with anyone other than your SO become cheating. We as a COUPLE decided that it is cheating if the other person is not aware of what is happening. For some people, this is not true. The relationship that he and I have is worth far more to me a fling with a girl on the side. Is your fantasy more important than your relationship? Only you can make that decision. It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with your BF and try to determine if a 3some is something that he would consider. If this is nagging you now, it will only become worse with time.

jill10014 2 years 29 weeks

2 years 29 weeks

He sounds controlling because he considers kissing someone else to be cheating? I feel sorry for whoever is your partner.

kurniakasih 2 years 29 weeks

I think if my husband finds another man attractive and act on it (making out with him, etc), I'd consider that cheating. So I'm sure that if you hooked up either with a girl or a guy and you know your bf thought it was cheating = you're cheating. If you really want the experience, I suggest you break up with your bf. Yes, I'm serious. I mean, if you're young and you still want to experiment, and he's not like that, then it is what it is. Good luck.

kurniakasih 2 years 29 weeks

I think if my husband finds another man attractive and act on it (making out with him, etc), I'd consider that cheating. So I'm sure that if you hooked up either with a girl or a guy and you know your bf thought it was cheating = you're cheating.If you really want the experience, I suggest you break up with your bf. Yes, I'm serious. I mean, if you're young and you still want to experiment, and he's not like that, then it is what it is. Good luck.

GregS 2 years 29 weeks

If he thinks it's cheating, then it is. At least to him. So you have a choice. Do you keep it as a fantasy? Or do you go ahead with this knowing that it could poison the well with the bf. IMHO, the bf sounds controlling, and that's through your filter. Using "even so much as" is one indicator of this. So do you want to be in a LT relationship like this? That's totally up to you. In terms of your friend, you shouldn't mess up her relationship to try something out. Experimentation is fine so long as no harm is done. In the case you're presenting, two couples could well become four individuals. Tread carefully.

GregS 2 years 29 weeks

If he thinks it's cheating, then it is. At least to him. So you have a choice. Do you keep it as a fantasy? Or do you go ahead with this knowing that it could poison the well with the bf. IMHO, the bf sounds controlling, and that's through your filter. Using "even so much as" is one indicator of this. So do you want to be in a LT relationship like this? That's totally up to you.In terms of your friend, you shouldn't mess up her relationship to try something out. Experimentation is fine so long as no harm is done. In the case you're presenting, two couples could well become four individuals.Tread carefully.

RoaringSilence 2 years 29 weeks

If it makes you feel any better: if you are bi but are in a monogamous relationship with a guy, you will always want to be with girls. It doesn't matter if you do it once or a hundred times. It won't be out of your system. This of course works the other way around too (if you're bi but in a monogamous relationship with a girl). I'm not saying life is harder for bisexual people, because straight people in relationships may be tempted to do things with someone of the other gender at times. Don't cheat on your partner. He clearly told you it's not okay, so treat it as though you were cheating on him with another man. You can either suck it up and have it be a fantasy, or you can end the relationship and maybe find one with a partner that will allow you freedoms like this. Just know that the feeling of wanting to do it will never go away. It's a matter of how much you're willing to live with that. Most people deal with it quite alright, since a majority of the population is in monogamous relationships.

RoaringSilence 2 years 29 weeks

If it makes you feel any better: if you are bi but are in a monogamous relationship with a guy, you will always want to be with girls. It doesn't matter if you do it once or a hundred times. It won't be out of your system. This of course works the other way around too (if you're bi but in a monogamous relationship with a girl). I'm not saying life is harder for bisexual people, because straight people in relationships may be tempted to do things with someone of the other gender at times. Don't cheat on your partner. He clearly told you it's not okay, so treat it as though you were cheating on him with another man.You can either suck it up and have it be a fantasy, or you can end the relationship and maybe find one with a partner that will allow you freedoms like this. Just know that the feeling of wanting to do it will never go away. It's a matter of how much you're willing to live with that. Most people deal with it quite alright, since a majority of the population is in monogamous relationships.

spacekatgal 2 years 29 weeks

It depends on the format of the relationship. Some guys don't think a girl is cheating. Honestly, having sex with a girl is about a totally different set of emotions - for me at least. I agree that if your partner feels it's cheating, it's cheating - but the situation is not so black and white.

onlysourcherry 2 years 29 weeks

I agree with the comments above. It is cheating, but if this is a nagging curiosity of yours you should break up with your boyfriend and give it a whirl.

HollyJRockNRoll 2 years 29 weeks

It is cheating if you hook up with anyone that isn't your partner, if you do not have their consent- period. If this is something you want to do, maybe you just need to end your relationship then go for this girl on girl encounter.

Venus1 2 years 30 weeks

Sot on Spacekat; we are not just an entertainment centre for others,men or women. I like the gay bar idea too.

Venus1 2 years 30 weeks

Sot on Spacekat; we are not just an entertainment centre for others,men or women.I like the gay bar idea too.

spacekatgal 2 years 30 weeks

I just also want to add that it's uncool to approach lesbian and bisexual girls with just sex on the mind. I've had this happen to me frequently. I am not a whore for someone's sexual gratification, you know? Just go to a gay bar, talk up a girl, be honest, and see what happens. If you approach the situation genuinely, you won't have trouble. I also agree with Venus that a threesome would probably be too messy.

spacekatgal 2 years 30 weeks

I just also want to add that it's uncool to approach lesbian and bisexual girls with just sex on the mind. I've had this happen to me frequently. I am not a whore for someone's sexual gratification, you know? Just go to a gay bar, talk up a girl, be honest, and see what happens. If you approach the situation genuinely, you won't have trouble.I also agree with Venus that a threesome would probably be too messy.

Venus1 2 years 30 weeks

I agree with most of the comments above. I certainly would not advocate a threesome with someone for your first experience - too complicated. This is a case of if you don't try you'll never know. It could well be that if you feel like being with another person, regardless of gender then you are not ready to settle with him. Best wishes. x

Venus1 2 years 30 weeks

I agree with most of the comments above. I certainly would not advocate a threesome with someone for your first experience - too complicated.This is a case of if you don't try you'll never know. It could well be that if you feel like being with another person, regardless of gender then you are not ready to settle with him.Best wishes. x

BiWife 2 years 30 weeks

If you want to explore your sexuality, you have to decide whether you're going to cheat on the guy you're with, or let him loose and explore while single. Guys that will consider non-threesome sexual encounters with someone else not cheating are few and far between (I married one of the few). They either want it to be some male fantasy of being with two girls or it's no fun for them (they might even be jealous of the girls you get). Also, you shouldn't be picking who to test the waters with from among your circle of friends. Sex complicates relationships and gay sex doubly so (thanks to social mores and taboos), and from personal experience it's just easier to start a new relationship with someone you're really attracted to.

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