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I HATE MY FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND

I HATE MY FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND

Dear Sugar
How can I tell my friend that I don't like her boyfriend?
He is sleazy, I don't like how he treats her, he won't give her a commitment and he is much older (she is 31 and he is 49). He also doesn't want kids because he's already got two from a previous marriage.

I know my friend wants children of her own, but she's recently changed her tune to please this guy. I fear that she is going to regret this later in life when she sacrifices having a family for him. How do I tell her that this isn't the right guy for her? Alarmed Annabel

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Dear Alarmed Annabel
It's really hard to watch a perfectly smart and fabulous woman get manipulated by a man who isn't worthy of her love. One day when you guys are hanging out, ask her if you two can have a heart-to-heart about her new boyfriend. As her friend, you owe it to her to bring up the tough stuff and address your concerns about her compromising her own dreams to please a man.

Ask her why she's planning to give up what most women her age are looking for (marriage and a family) for a guy who is unable to give her a commitment. Explain that you want to watch her grow and you are worried that he doesn't respect the dreams she has for her own life.

Then, be sure and let her know that you love her and that you are just talking to her about this because you are concerned for her future. Don't offend her by coming right out and telling her that you don't like her boyfriend - rather ask her why she's so willing to put aside having her own children for him. That's going to be a hard question for her to answer, but keep an open mind; he may have more redeeming qualities than you thought.

Explain that of course you can understand getting caught up in love, but that you are just making sure that she's thinking this through clearly with both her heart and her head. Touch her hand so she understands that you are coming from a place of love and tell her that you don't want to see her get hurt.

Conclude by saying that in no way are you trying to sabotage her relationship with him, and that even more importantly, you hope that this conversation won't drive a wedge between the two of you. Don't put her in a position where she is going to feel like she has to choose between the two of you; a good friend wouldn't do that.

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