My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year and things have been going great until recently - I accidentally (yes, really) discovered that he looks at porn whenever I'm not around. We talked it out and decided to put a little more effort into our sex life, which is great! Still, I was so caught off guard by this, and hurt that he never talked to me about his needs and took the matter into his own hands (no pun intended).
I know the two aren't related, but I worry that if he's looking at other women, he may take the leap and cheat if he gets bored again. We're happy in every other way but now I'm constantly suspicious of what he does when we're not together and I don't want to be. Help!
--Mistrusting by Boyfriend Mindy
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Dear Mistrusting by Boyfriend Mindy--
I know you must feel betrayed and surprised by your boyfriend's "secret", but guys are very visually oriented so many of them look at porn to get aroused. The thing is, you are worried that your boyfriend is going to get bored with the relationship and cheat on you which makes me think there is something else going on here. Does he have a history of cheating? Have you had problems in the past?
I know it's offensive to some, but for others, looking at porn can be a major turn-on. It sounds like he's kind of embarrassed that you found out (since he didn't tell you about it in the first place), so instead of having him hide it from you, do you think you could get up the nerve to look at it with him? He might really appreciate that you're trying to be part of his fantasy, and who knows - you may change your mind about porn.
Relationships are about trust and since you are having doubts about that, you need to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. Tell him how you feel, that you are insecure about your relationship, and are worried about him not being happy, and leaving because of it. Talking things out and sharing your feelings will make you both feel better. Good luck Mindy.