I Changed My Mind About Wanting Kids and Husband

Group Therapy: Why Have I Lost the Dream of Having a Family?

April 6, 2011

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

When I was younger, my biggest dream was to have five babies and to be married. Honestly, I lost all interest in that idea whatsoever and I am not even sure why . . . Do any of you know? I am content with loneliness and believe I can thrive on my own. Is this just another phase or is this a permanent revelation?

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16 Comments

MareBearBear 2 years

Honestly, I have been married and have a child. I unknowingly gave up a part of myself when I did these things. Sure some of the things I got were great, but others not so much. Being a wife and a mother is a crappy gig sometimes. I am now NOT married and I am much happier. Still a mom, of course, and I am proud and love my child dearly. However, the job market wasn't good to me as a mother. I am a well educated woman who has much to offer, but the work world doesn't seem to think so. So here's what i have to say, be really sure before you make these commitments because there is a high likelihood they will change your life. If you don't feel like getting married, DON'T DO IT.

MareBearBear 2 years

sweetpea1987 2 years

The answer is simple, that is what you wanted when you were younger..what you want from life can sometimes change, it's just part of growing older and learning who you are.

Lenay 2 years

Women are now having healthy babies after they're 40. So there should be no rush on that. Once you have children your other life choices are narrowed considerably. You have probably just become more aware of your options. (And, yes, you can have it all. It's just a matter of taking your time and doing things in the right order.---College first, then your chosen career, then Mr. Right, and finally all the babies you can juggle once you have your own home, a nest egg in the bank, a faithful partner and the patience that comes with maturity.)

pink-elephant 2 years

It may be a phase, but then again maybe it's not. It seems perhaps that you are comfortable and confident in yourself that you are exploring being by yourself. Being young and dreaming of a large family is normal, it's also normal that you want to explore your independance! Enjoy it!

spacekatgal 2 years

^^ I really agree. That phrase also gave me pause.

onlysourcherry 2 years

I agree with kimmie. Maybe it's a phase, maybe it's not, either way there is nothing wrong with your choices as long as you are being authentic to yourself. The only phrase that concerns me is "I am content with loneliness." Maybe loneliness was just a poor word choice. But I do think that everyone benefits from having people who love them in their lives, whether or not those people are family.

onlysourcherry 2 years

spacekatgal 2 years

This is my take on it. I think we all have basic, reptilian brains that are driven by evolutionary forces, and then higher brain functions. When you were 5, your brain was basic. The idea of reproducing was appealing. You are more sophisticated now. Children, happy marriage, meaningful career - it's really, really hard to have all three of these things. I think, at best, you get two.

spacekatgal 2 years

kimmieb124 2 years

You should enjoy where you are in life right now and not worry so much about what you see or don't see for your future. You may change your mind later or you may not, but either way you can have a happy and fulfilling life so there is no need to worry if this is a phase or a permanent state of mind.

serendipity82 2 years

I'm 28 and up until this year I wondered what is wrong with me. Why am I not married with kids. Now I just say F' it all. If your meant to have tons of babies and a hot hubby it will happen. If not oh well. Its always ok to change your mind. Face it the idea of having a child is amazing. But the responsibility is overwhelming. Which is why I admire parents its the most important job in the world. Nothing is wrong with not wanting a children it takes a lot for a person to admit that.

aliciatx 2 years

You dont say how old you are but I bet you still have lots of time to be single w/o children & have kids at a later time if you change your mind. There's nothing wrong with feeling like you don't see kids in your future right now. I imagined being a mom & having a family when I was younger too, now at 31 after a few tumultous relationships, I don't see myself rushing to have that for the same reasons biwife mentioned. But I know I still have time if I change my mind later. Don't stress about it. :)

popgoestheworld 2 years

When I was little I wanted a pony and now I don't. When we grow up our outlooks change. It's healthy and normal. The only reason to be concerned in your case is if your lost of interest is a symptom of something larger like depression. If not, then enjoy where you are, and be open for more changes down the road.

popgoestheworld 2 years

When I was little I wanted a pony and now I don't. When we grow up our outlooks change. It's healthy and normal.The only reason to be concerned in your case is if your lost of interest is a symptom of something larger like depression. If not, then enjoy where you are, and be open for more changes down the road.

BiWife 2 years

Having a big family is a lot more romantic when you aren't considering things like the cost of raising a child (about 1/4 mil at this point), overwhelming failure of marriages/lack of successful marital rolemodels, the drama of dating, achievements in other spheres that would have to take a back burner to family once you start down that path, etc, ad nauseum. Pragmatism and self-value often override youthful desires to emulate stereotypes and charicatures.

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16 Comments