Husband Says It's Over After 20 Years

Group Therapy: Husband Says It's Over After 20 Years

October 13, 2010

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Husband says it's over after 20 years. There's been a lot of infidelity on his part on his travels for work while I'm home raising his children and no matter the situation I've always taken him back!! I love him so much I've let him get away with it!!

Now he tells me he's done and no working it out?? I've begged him, etc!! When I visit him, we can see we love each other and there's a lot left to our marriage, but why won't he work on it or at least give me a better reason than he fell out of love with me!!!! Why is this time different??? Does he have a girlfriend that he's giving me up for??? The kids are raised and gone, and he's tossing me away!!! I can't move on . . .

Sincerely In Love With Husband

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21 Comments

dikke kus 2 years

Well I guess if you were a friend of mine I would be sure to get you a lawyer. I would get you a tea, a coffee, a lunch, a shoulder to cry on and then hand you my lawyers name and number. After that I would book a trip to Europe with you and some other girlfriends for a week. Maybe empty out a credit card with your husabnds name on it for the exquisite hotels we stayed at. Book all the tickets with his frequent flier miles, and transfer all the miles into an account with your name on it as well. Don't forget to charge that card for your haircut and diet too before we go. Gosh, did you ever think about plastic surgery? Maybe get your tits sized up right before we go too. On his charge. I would have you get every bank account number and file from his computer before you called the lawyer. Maybe that would take you a couple of weeks to get all those files copied from the hard drive? Don't forget the emails, phone lists, names places and information of women he cheated on while he was married to you while you stayed at home sacrificing yourself for his big important career. You will need to start a plan, for money, place to live, work, etc etc. You will need a lawyer, a good friend and a plan just for you.

MySecondLife 2 years

You've been given a lot of GOOD advice here, and I'll try to add something new: You say you "love" this man, but I suspect it is dependency, not love. At least not HEALTHY love. Like breaking a drug habit, it will be extraordinarily hard to let go of something that you're used to, even when it has been VERY bad for you. Love is an action. To love someone means to act in such a way that is loving. Perhaps you have loved this man, but not for the person that he IS; rather, it's probably the result of your hanging on to what was certainly enjoyable early on, at the beginning. As soon as he started treating you badly, he stopped loving YOU. He doesn't deserve your time, attention, love, etc. It's hard when the reality hits that our spouse doesn't love us. I've been there. And it took a long while for me to finally understand that it had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with me. He fell out of love with me because we grew in different directions. I did nothing wrong. I was "good enough" for him, but, alas, the love died. It happens. It's no one's "fault" and there's nothing to be sorry about -- unless you continue to let this man ruin your life. Then, you owe YOURSELF a huge apology for treating YOURSELF just as badly as this man has treated you. It's time for you to love YOU -- and no one else for awhile (except kids, of course.) When you are finally comfortable being on your own, when the pain is gone (and it could take years), THEN it's time to begin loving a man again -- one who loves you in return.

MySecondLife 2 years

You've been given a lot of GOOD advice here, and I'll try to add something new:You say you "love" this man, but I suspect it is dependency, not love. At least not HEALTHY love. Like breaking a drug habit, it will be extraordinarily hard to let go of something that you're used to, even when it has been VERY bad for you.Love is an action. To love someone means to act in such a way that is loving. Perhaps you have loved this man, but not for the person that he IS; rather, it's probably the result of your hanging on to what was certainly enjoyable early on, at the beginning. As soon as he started treating you badly, he stopped loving YOU. He doesn't deserve your time, attention, love, etc. It's hard when the reality hits that our spouse doesn't love us. I've been there. And it took a long while for me to finally understand that it had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with me. He fell out of love with me because we grew in different directions. I did nothing wrong. I was "good enough" for him, but, alas, the love died. It happens. It's no one's "fault" and there's nothing to be sorry about -- unless you continue to let this man ruin your life. Then, you owe YOURSELF a huge apology for treating YOURSELF just as badly as this man has treated you.It's time for you to love YOU -- and no one else for awhile (except kids, of course.) When you are finally comfortable being on your own, when the pain is gone (and it could take years), THEN it's time to begin loving a man again -- one who loves you in return.

foxie 2 years

It's really pathetic to beg a cheater who doesn't love you to stay with you. It only fortifies in his mind that you're not someone worth staying for. Do you WANT to be a sad, pathetic throw-away? No? Then move on. There's a big world out there and even though it's hard, you need to to find that excitement and that need for adventure somewhere deep down inside you. Soon enough he'll be regretting his decision and you won't even give a damn.

foxie 2 years

It's really pathetic to beg a cheater who doesn't love you to stay with you. It only fortifies in his mind that you're not someone worth staying for. Do you WANT to be a sad, pathetic throw-away? No? Then move on. There's a big world out there and even though it's hard, you need to to find that excitement and that need for adventure somewhere deep down inside you.Soon enough he'll be regretting his decision and you won't even give a damn.

starbucks 2 years

I am so sorry to hear this. You shouldn't have had to to spend the last 20 years with a man who didn't respect you enough to be faithful. And the sad part is, everytime you forgave him you both lost a little more respect for you. You deserve with someone who really loves you. It's not to late to find real love. My mom was 52 when she found the actual love of her life. It must be so scary to be on your own after such a long marriage, but you can do it! And you will be better off without him. Good luck on your way!

starbucks 2 years

postmodernsleaze 2 years

This is really sad. The kids are gone now, which is why I imagine he has no ambitions in making it work at all. The truth is, he probably never loved you as much as you loved him if he spent the entire marriage cheating on you. He stayed for the kids. Now that they're grown, there is nothing to stay for. This won't be easy for you, but you deserve a life of happiness and a mate who won't cheat on you. I agree with GregS. Get a good lawyer. Get a good counselor to talk to. Start living life for you. Best of luck.

postmodernsleaze 2 years

This is really sad. The kids are gone now, which is why I imagine he has no ambitions in making it work at all. The truth is, he probably never loved you as much as you loved him if he spent the entire marriage cheating on you. He stayed for the kids. Now that they're grown, there is nothing to stay for.This won't be easy for you, but you deserve a life of happiness and a mate who won't cheat on you. I agree with GregS. Get a good lawyer. Get a good counselor to talk to. Start living life for you. Best of luck.

2 years

Have some damn self respect and leave this worthless man alone. I can't believe you begged him, as if YOU did something wrong . . .

vanilla and pink 2 years

You're in denial. It's natural after loosing someone you love. In time your perspective will change, and trust me, you will realize how much all the cheating hurt you and not a single part of you will want him back. For right now, this is just part of the process. I was in your shoes recently when I broke up with the man I believed I would marry one day. A therapist recommended a book: Rebuilding when your relationship ends. It changed my life. I highly recommend it, and I do recommend it whenever I hear of someone having difficulty processing the end of a relationship. I went from being this sad and pathetic girl who couldn't stop eating pizza and ice cream, and crying in my apartment, to someone happy and full of laughter. No one can believe how I did it so quickly. I know its possible for you too.

vanilla and pink 2 years

You're in denial. It's natural after loosing someone you love. In time your perspective will change, and trust me, you will realize how much all the cheating hurt you and not a single part of you will want him back. For right now, this is just part of the process.I was in your shoes recently when I broke up with the man I believed I would marry one day. A therapist recommended a book: Rebuilding when your relationship ends. It changed my life. I highly recommend it, and I do recommend it whenever I hear of someone having difficulty processing the end of a relationship. I went from being this sad and pathetic girl who couldn't stop eating pizza and ice cream, and crying in my apartment, to someone happy and full of laughter. No one can believe how I did it so quickly. I know its possible for you too.

onlysourcherry 2 years

This is probably the saddest post I've ever read on here. Not because he left you, but because you seem to believe life won't go on without him. It sounds like a blessing (not even in disguise) that you will be out of this awful relationship.

MartiniLush 2 years

You really need to get some therapy for yourself! Why on earth would you continue to take back a man that cheats on you repeatedly? You need to work on yourself so that you can be a strong example to your children in the future! I agree with GregS - get a good lawyer and get everythng you deserve in the split!

MartiniLush 2 years

You really need to get some therapy for yourself! Why on earth would you continue to take back a man that cheats on you repeatedly? You need to work on yourself so that you can be a strong example to your children in the future!I agree with GregS - get a good lawyer and get everythng you deserve in the split!

GregS 2 years

You have a lot invested in this relationship with him. 20 years, kids, mortgages, struggles within the marriage. That's a lot (I know about this). It will hurt and you'll just have to learn to deal with being without him. Just know that you'll be OK in the long run. Get a good lawyer. Get a good counselor. Tell them the whole story. You'll at least be on relatively sound financial ground. The counselor can help with other issues related to separation, grief (yes, grief), and others. If you want a chat toss me a note.

GregS 2 years

You have a lot invested in this relationship with him. 20 years, kids, mortgages, struggles within the marriage. That's a lot (I know about this). It will hurt and you'll just have to learn to deal with being without him. Just know that you'll be OK in the long run.Get a good lawyer. Get a good counselor. Tell them the whole story. You'll at least be on relatively sound financial ground. The counselor can help with other issues related to separation, grief (yes, grief), and others.If you want a chat toss me a note.

soulsearcher83 2 years

It wll take time to get over him. It's sad that you feel you need him to function in your life. Now is the time to move on. You don't need him. Maybe you need a counselor to help you with this. Eventruelly you will realize that this is for the best.

Janine22 2 years

I am so sorry to hear that. It sounds like you put up with his infidelity for a long time and it is unfortunate that you stayed with him throughout it. I think that when you allow someone (especially a man), to treat you badly and take you for granted, they will often continue to do it. The first step is realizing that this man has made you feel very unhappy for a long time and that you deserve to be treated better than this. I think that the whole he 'fell out of love with you' thing often means there is another woman. But it could also mean that he has no respect for you, which is obvious by the fact that he has cheated on you for so long. You should consider counseling to help you deal with this transition. You have the potential to be much happier and to feel bettter about yourself without him in your life. When you decide to date again, know that you deserve to be with a man that will be faithful and treat you well. In the meantime, nurture and love yourself. Also, get a good divorce attorney. Know that just when you start to feel better and happier without him in your life or have made significant progress in getting over him, there is a good chance that he will come begging for you back. If this happens, remember that he is a cheater and liar and you can find a better man than him. Good luck.

Helen Danger 2 years

Stop fighting to keep him and start fighting for YOURSELF and your own happiness. Your first loyalty is to yourself. Who cares about him? He's been dragging you down. All the worry and stress he's caused, he'll be taking that away with him. Consider it a fresh start. The freedom is scary, but can be exciting too. Everything you've been waiting to do, do it now. Not everyone gets a second chance in life. Like it or not, you've been given that opportunity.

Helen Danger 2 years

Stop fighting to keep him and start fighting for YOURSELF and your own happiness. Your first loyalty is to yourself. Who cares about him?He's been dragging you down. All the worry and stress he's caused, he'll be taking that away with him. Consider it a fresh start. The freedom is scary, but can be exciting too. Everything you've been waiting to do, do it now. Not everyone gets a second chance in life. Like it or not, you've been given that opportunity.

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21 Comments