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How can I Move on?

Dear Sugar--

I have been married for 12 years. Before I met my husband I was in a serious relationship for 4 years. I got mad one night at my boyfriend and cheated on him. I got pregnant. Soon after we broke up. I met my husband 6 months after my son was born. I have not thought of my ex-boyfriend much, just every once in a while. A few months ago, I saw that my ex-boyfriend was in the paper (he is a cop) and someone he tasered died. I was worried about him and contacted him. We talked and emailed for a while, all of which I told my husband.


My husband and I have been having some intimacy problems lately and he asked me to stop contacting my ex, but I just couldn't. I was starting to relive old feelings. About a month ago, my husband read a journal entry that I made about how confused I am and how I started developing feelings for my ex again. He confronted me and we decided to go to counseling. The counselor stated I needed to cut all ties with my ex and concentrate on my marriage, which I have done and things have gotten better between me and my husband, but I still find myself thinking and dreaming about my ex. I feel I want to still talk to him, but I know if I do it will ruin my marriage. I do not know why I am still having these feelings of wanting to communicate with him -- my husband is wonderful and supportive and loving, but I just can't ignore this desire I have for my ex. Please help me! --Can't Let it Go Linda

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Dear Can't Let it Go Linda--

Reliving old feelings for an ex-boyfriend can be extremely confusing, so I understand how your head and heart must be feeling right now. With that said, your therapist is right -- if you want to give your marriage a fighting chance, you must cut all ties with your ex.

Did contacting your ex create the intimacy problems you are facing with your husband or was it the issues in the bedroom that initiated the contact in the first place? Since all marriages have a down cycle, it isn't surprising that contacting an old flame made you feel some excitement again, maybe even made you feel attractive and desired, but you have to ask yourself if you are simply stirring the pot to boost your ego, or if you really still do have feelings for this man.

It sounds as though your husband is a wonderful man who loves and supports you, but if you are having feelings for another man that won't seem to go away, you need to be true to yourself and your husband. You have taken all the right steps to rectify this situation (therapy, honesty, and severing ties with your ex) so if you still can't get him out of your head or your dreams, you're going to have to find out if he is the one you are supposed to be with after all. Although your husband is a wonderful man, he might not be the right man for you so follow your gut instinct here and most importantly, your heart. I wish you luck Linda.

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