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How to Get Over a Friend Breakup

Group Therapy: Years of Trouble Getting Over a Friend Breakup

This question is from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've had many best friends over the years, but when I started college 10 years ago I became BFF with a girl who I considered to be my best friend by a million years. We did everything together and were completely inseparable — everyone on campus knew us as a tag-team and I knew her family (and extended family) very well. But my last year of college, we decided to move in together, and then everything changed. She came back from a year abroad much more of an independent person, and at the same time she had her first serious relationship ever. Meanwhile, I became life-isn't-worth-living, can't-get-out-of-bed depressed. She wasn't there for me as support during the very lowest point in my life. I harbored a lot of resentment, she didn't know how to deal with my severe depression. We fought, then made up, a lot. It was a complete roller coaster ride for the both of us.

Without going into grave detail, the two of us had a huge falling-out post-graduation that resulted in me moving away abruptly, and we didn't talk for a couple of years. She lived in New York and I live in San Francisco. But since we ran in the same circles, we both knew what the other was up to. She eventually made an effort to reach out to me, and over the course of a year, we (very) slowly rebuilt our relationship and trust in one another. We eventually became really good friends again, even traveling together. But then we had another elaborate (which I won't get into) falling out in which I felt she wasn't being the committed friend I expected her to be, and she told me she didn't think she could be friends anymore. We haven't exchanged a word since.

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Three years later, I still dream about her, and sometimes thinking about our drama brings me to tears. I've been through my share of dating woes and broken hearts, but this friend breakup is by far the worst breakup I've ever had in my life. I feel like there's unfinished business. Whenever I talk to my longtime friends or my boyfriend about it (they all knew her quite well), they can't say anything to make me feel better. Many of them tell me she wasn't a good friend to me in the first place, and that I just need to let her go. Still, she asks our mutual friends about me at times, so I know she's probably curious about what I'm up to — but I don't feel it's my place to get back in touch with her. After all, she was the one who said she didn't want me to be friends.

I just found out today that she moved to San Francisco and has been living under my nose for 5 months. In a city that's 7 miles by 7 miles, I'm bound to run into her. I want to lose my lunch. Help — how do I move past this? It's been more than three years, and I need to not be bound by this and move on with my life.

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