How Do I Tell Boyfriend I'm Bisexual

Group Therapy: How Do I Tell My Significant Other I'm Bisexual?

June 13, 2011

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I recently started seeing someone (of the opposite sex) and for the first time in years, it's actually going well. After years of questioning, I have recently come to the conclusion, through therapy and several "ah-ha! moments" that I am bisexual. While this isn't really a problem for me personally, my boyfriend is very Catholic and very conservative. My question is how do I tell him, or should I?

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15 Comments

lovingcatwhisperer 1 year 20 weeks

Seems to me if you're "sewing wild oats" it's nobody's business and you are not obliged to explain yourself answering to anyone. That being said, if you are in a "serious relationship" you'd not be looking for "outside attractions" anyway - what does it matter?!?

ag2809 1 year 48 weeks

While I do think you have the right to privacy, I also think that he has the right to know. I don't think that your sexuality needs to be discussed on the first date, but it does need to be discussed before things get really serious. You do NOT want him to find out when you run into an ex together or a friend or family member mentions it inadvertently, because then it comes across as lying to him.

Venus1 1 year 49 weeks

My sentiments exactly. Those of us who are bi are at a great and beautiful advantage.

testadura67 1 year 49 weeks

Wow pax, I don't see any need to "straighten out". I'm bisexual and have been with my boyfriend 3 years. I don't sleep with women just because I'm bisexual. I'm in a monogamous relationship with a man, but I still like women. A lot. In fact, my bf and I have a great time pointing out attractive women to each other. It's not something we act on, but it's something we have fun doing that I don't think he'd be comfortable doing with a straight girl. To answer the initial question though, yes, you should tell him. As a general rule, if there is something that is fundamentally a part of you, and you think you need to hide it from your significant other so that they'll like you, it's not a good sign. Allow him the benefit of the doubt, he may be more understanding that you expect. Just let him know what it means for your relationship. Do you want to be able to also date women, or are you looking for monogamy. It's only fair to be up front with him.

GregS 1 year 49 weeks

soozerella, that's who my comment about "straightening out" was directed towards. Many here have a lot of issues with what he posts. Most have chosen to ignore him.

soozerella 1 year 49 weeks

how was no one offended by pax4pax's response? Being in a relationship with a man doesn't make you magically not like vagina. Bisexuality gets such a horrible wrap, because of thoughts like this. When you are committed and choose to be monogamous with someone of the same sex, it doesn't make you gay, just like someone of the opposite sex doesn't make you straight. Yes, you should "come out" to your partner if you plan on sharing your life with someone, that is part of your life even if you don't act on it. If they can't accept that of you, you probably shouldn't be with them anyway.

57tiger 1 year 49 weeks

Well if u plan on staying with him then u shud jus tell him and if he really loves youhe will accept ujust as you are:).

GregS 1 year 49 weeks

If you are at peace with who/what you are, you're in great shape. You're bf should be told, IMHO, now before you go too far down a road. If he can come to grips with your sexuality, great. If he can't, it's better to find out now rather than later. No matter how this works out for both of you, you'll win if you don't delay too much. I will say that the ladies above do have a valid point. At what point does a relationship privacy and when full disclosure? That's a tough one to call and only you can make it. I just wouldn't want to invest too much into a relationship only to learn that this is a hurdle that you just can't breach. And forget about "straightening out". You're plenty fine just as you are. Some people just need to get a bit curvy.

Annie Tomlin 1 year 49 weeks

Congratulations on coming out to yourself — and just in time for Pride month, too. You will find a lot of supportive people in the LGBT community who have gone through what you are going through, so don't be afraid to reach out for support or friendship. As far as the relationship goes, I look at it this way: Are you comfortable with your bisexuality? Do you feel good about who you are? Then by all means, let him know — it's one aspect of who you are, and if you're going to be close to someone, you need to feel like you can share yourself with him or her. Hiding something like this isn't healthy for the relationship, but it isn't healthy for *you,* either. Have you come out to any of your friends? Family? It might be good to get someone supportive in your corner for when you choose to come out to various people in your life. And finally, if you're committed to your boyfriend, you can indeed tell him about this part of you. It's just a matter of helping him understand that your bisexuality doesn't mean you're going to run off and chase after women, or that he isn't enough for you. He may need some time to let it sink in, but hopefully you two can talk openly about this and grow closer through it. Conversely, if he is unkind or judgmental, he isn't the guy for you. Someone who loves you — male or female — will love you for who you are.

kimmieb124 1 year 49 weeks

I agree with Venus and Pistil. If you two are in a monogamous relationship now, it shouldn't matter who else you're attracted to or if you've been with before as long as you honor whatever committment the two of you now have. I do think you need to look at your own feelings about this, though. Have you chosen not to tell him because the issue hasn't come up in conversation or because you fear his reaction? If it's the latter, then you need to look more carefully at this relationship. Privacy maybe healthy, but secrecy may not be.

Pistil 1 year 49 weeks

Like Venus, I don't see the necessity... do you feel the need to give a detailed description of every past partner? Though I suppose there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. I might question your compatibility if he's conservative to the extreme, while you are not.

Venus1 1 year 49 weeks

For starters, I'm bi-sexual but it is not something I always feel I need to share with people. As relationships develop we share more about ourselves. We are under no obligation to tell everything from day one. He may be your boyfriend but you are still entitled to some privacy too. Maybe the time will come when it's right to tell him. But in the meantime does he know everything else about you? If the answer is no you should have no problem in maintaining you privacy here.

JessicaM25 1 year 49 weeks

Varying on how religious he is and his outlook on sexuality will determine whether he is comfortable with the situation. I think you should be honest with him. Especially if you feel things are going well. If his belief system is extremely conservative...then it might not go well. Either way, I feel you owe it to yourself to be truthful with someone that you are with.

pax4pax 1 year 49 weeks

Yes, tell him directly but that you realize that bisexuality is not the purpose for which you were designed and are now willing to get free of the bi- part of sexuality. If you express a heartfelt desire to "straigthen out" (sorry for the play on words), he will respect and work with you. Otherwise, how can you and he be surely, fully connected if continue with a desire that he cannot fulfill?

JoeTyndall 1 year 49 weeks

Since he is officially your boyfriend, yes you should tell him. Try to be friendly and supportive about it, but you just have to tell him. Since he is your boyfriend, we can only hope that he will show you some compassion as you deal with this.

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