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He Said She Said: Jumping To Conclusions Can Leave You Flat On Your Face

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend of three years and I moved in together a month ago. At first it was fantastic, but now, all we do is fight. Recently, he's been acting stand off-ish. He acts like we're roommates and not lovers.

The other night, the unthinkable happened. I found a condom in his drawer. The problem is, we haven't used condoms in over a year. And it was a brand we've never ever used before. When I confronted him, he got angry. He didn't act clueless at all. He said he doesn't know where it came from and it probably got mixed in with his stuff when we moved in.

He has never lied to me, and to my knowledge, he has never cheated on me. But now I am scared that he could possibly be sleeping with someone else. I need advice on how to keep a close eye on him, and also to get him to act like we're boyfriend/girlfriend again, not just roommates. Cause For Concern Carly

To see DEARSUGAR and ASTUTE ARTHUR's response read more


DEARSUGAR: Dear Cause For Concern Carly
Wow, I am with you. How can you help but be a little bit nervous when you find something as blatant as a condom brand you've never ever even used together?

The irrational side of me would want to snoop through every nook and cranny of his things for evidential support of an illicit affair; while the rational side of me would ask why he'd bother to take the next step and move in with me if he doesn't love me and want to be with me.

Now that you've confronted him about it, all you can really do is wait. Somewhere in the middle is the most reasonable way to act moving forward. I think that for the next few weeks, it's OK for you to ask more questions than normal about his whereabouts until your trust level is back to where it was. The key is to set a limit for yourself and then you've got to move past it and trust him. I've said it before and I'll say it again - trust is a deal breaker.

As far as you guys acting more as roomies than lovers, you've got to try and talk to him about this. It is normal to fight when you first move in together. You are both used to your own space and doing things your own way - but don't let the adjustment get in the way of you having fun together.

Have you "christened" each of the rooms yet? Have you tested out your big new bath tub together? Don't forget how you got here in the first place. Make time to do the things together that you used to love to do.


ASTUTE ARTHUR: Dear Cause For Concern Carly
You have two issues here, and I suggest that you deal with them individually.

On the condom, it is conceivable that he got it innocently. A bit of a stretch, but possible. Consider it a warning sign. If nothing else happens to make you suspicious, then it may have just been nothing. But if you get another clue, listen to it.

The more important issue is that you're fighting and the spark isn't there anymore. Now that you live together, it is easy to take each other for granted.

Try asking him out for a date, or making a date to make dinner and eat together at home. You used to go out on dates before you moved in together, you still need to make time to do those kinds of romantic things.

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