Don't mean to be negative, but that's not a good idea on his part. Voice your discomfort on this matter. I think it's okay for him to hang out with her or visit her here and this, but being in a relationship, in my opinion, that's inappropriate. I can just picture them being alone together during the day in the house, and the rest is history. Talk to him about that. He should at least understand if not respect your feelings and concerns. At the end of the day, you're going to have to trust him (even if he agrees). You're not being unfair. He's just too stupid to see the logic in it all.

Abort mission!!!!! Have you heard of the book and movie coming up - "He's just not that into you!"? Seriously, focus on work and grad school. This guy is lousy boyfriend material.

You call this a relationship? Please. End it and move on.

Yeah definately, something isn't right. If he doesn't have the effort to make future plans to see you, how can anyone okay it for him to make future plans with another lady.

I'm with mommapoppins here.
Your so-called bf doesn't show the appropriate 'action' toward securing your affection, he'd rather make the effort for another 'friend.'
Sorry. Not meant to be for you. I'm not going to be surprised if them two will hook up (if not already) after you've broken it up with him the next time.

As with everyone else, I'd say look into it. When it comes to relationship, in my opinion, the significant other takes more importance than other friends. Not to say that friends aren't important too and you should ditch them all the time just for the SO, his behavior is rather lame. If he's being slightly distant you need to have a good conversation with him, or be ready to ditch him. Frankly a cheating episode is definitely not what you need to worry about and dread and then find out about, not fun.

Boo to this guy. Agree with the "abort mission" and "move on" comments.

Sorry

If he truly liked you, respected you, and wanted to pursue a serious relationship with you, he would prioritize spending time with you instead of a friend. Also, he wouldn't do something that would make you feel so uncomfortable. I don't think this guy is worth your time or energy.

"So he wants to go see her even though he just moved back and has barely spent any time with me, hasn't even made the effort to visit me yet".

Read these words....yes, OP, you wrote them. I'm sorry, he wants to be with the other girl more than you. I know it hurts, but it is true. Please let this one go and then you will be available to find the one that makes you the priority.

I'm sorry!

I say you invite another dude over for the weekend.

Uh no- please dump this loser.

It would be fine if he wasn't going to stay in the same house as her... that's just weird. It sounds like she has a thing for him and he is either clueless or has a thing back. Talk to him about it!

It sounds like this relationship is in the pooper, without even considering the whole close lady friend bit.

you are not being insecure. i would not let this happen. i was in a similar situation with my ex boyfriend - he went to go visit a college 'friend' . well he cheated on me with her and is now dating her. even if you really trust your boyfriend, it would be completely weird and unacceptable if he went to see his friend and stayed with her while you are in the same city. i would be very sketched out if he decided to do this. and even if he has no feelings for this girl, it seems like she has feelings for him. why dont u suggest the three of you guys hanging out? if he isn't into her as more than a friend, he should be totally fine with that.

what?! girl, just end this relationship already.

just to clarify: I'm also in an LDR with someone who has closer girlfriends in the city, and if he *ever* proposed this to me, I'd think he'd gone nuts. right before I tell him where to get off. absolutely ludicrous!

get rid of him.

no, no, no

Love RockandRepublic's comment. Why don't you try that one on him and see how good of an idea he thinks that is....

Sounds like he fell out of the stupid tree and landed on his head.What guy in his right mind would ever suggest this let alone think it.Does he actually think that you'll go along with this?

I would have sent him packing the very moment he dropped this on me.It's disrespectful not to mention inappropiate.If he doesn't feel that you are important enough to him to put your feelings first then it's time for him to go.This jerk definitely needs to be put into the dumba$$ hall of fame file.

Unbelievible....

Spending a weekend with someone else's family is weird. A day, sure, but the whole weekend, no way.

However, since you're so busy with grad school and your own life, it doesn't sound like you should be in a relationship right now.

My opinion is quite different from everyone else, it seems, and maybe that's because my best friend in the whole world is male, and I've gone to visit him in his city and stayed with him alone in his house... and a) absolutely nothing happened, and b) my husband was fine with it. I don't think that him going to visit her and stay with her family means that he is going to cheat, at all... you CAN be friends with someone of the opposite gender. I'm sure he is looking at it like it is a rare opportunity to see her -- you live in the city all the time, while she is coming in from CA just for the weekend. Rather than making him choose between you and the friend, which is always a bad idea (if my husband told me I had to give up my male best friend, or pick between them, my husband would have lost -- I love him dearly, but I refuse to be in a controlling relationship)... why don't you sit down and calmly and rationally explain that you aren't comfortable with him STAYING with her, but since you are both in the same city, why doesn't he stay with you at night (you two get time together) and he can spend the days visiting with her (he gets to see his friend who may not be coming back to the east coast anytime soon). And perhaps, the three of you can all do something together at one point. I understand that you think you should come first, and it would be a different story if you both lived full-time in the same city and he was putting her first, but in his mind, he's probably think this is a limited time shot to see his best friend, whereas once she flies back to CA, you'll still be there. I'm not saying that it's right for him to think that, but rather than making him choose, why don't you try to come to a compromise?

I understand your point Julie - but this girl said her BF has barely made any time or effort for her since he moved back. She is busy yes but she has tried to work something out and instead he decides to spend the weekend with another girl?? I would NOT be ok with this- no matter how close he is with her. I would be pretty pissed if this was a GUY visiting. Your idea to spend nights with her and the days with GF sounds like a good one but I find something really wrong with this couple that this guy doesn't understand how wrong it is - they barely see each other. Your husband and you live together-so the situation is completely different and I am more understanding of where you are coming from than the OP.

Geebers, I was going off the fact that they stated they spent limited time together due to their busy schedules -- the OP doesn't specify that he refuses to come visit her while she is sitting around waiting for him... it may be a problem from both sides regarding making time. All I was saying is that if one of my very best friends came to a nearby location, I would make every effort possible to see him or her, assuming that they will not be back in the area again soon. Now, if this friend flies out twice a year or something, then it is a completely different story.

Also, my husband and I do NOT live together, so it is a far more similar situation than you are assuming. I live in D.C. working on my Ph.D., and my husband lives in Philadelphia, completing his residency. We only see each other once a month or so... but if he had a friend coming to the Philly area from across the country on a weekend he had off, I would be completely supportive of him spending time with his friend rather than coming to visit me. Sure, I'd miss him, but within a few years we will be living together and can see each other everyday... the friend may only make it to Philly every other year.

umm he's making you feel bad about this? what a *sshole. is he serious? if my boyfriend ever tried to pull some crap like that he would no longer be a boyfriend even after merely mentioning it. if he really felt like he was in a committed relationship with you this wouldnt even cross his mind to ask and he certaintly wouldnt make you feel like youre the one with the problem for being upset. if he was really into the relationship he would say i'm going to stay at MY GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE and us 3 or whoever you decide to bring can all meet up for a night out at dinner, bars etc... but if he wants alone time with her and to sleep at her place when youre right there and he makes no mention of spending time with you- I WOULD NOT BE HAVING THAT AT ALL. don't let this douchebag make you feel bad about being upset. you have every right. make him see your point of view. if he doesn't then let him go to her house and you go out and find another boyfriend cuz hes clearly not the one.

How would he feel if you wanted to go spend the weekend with another guy? Best friend or not I'm sure he would not go for it. Tell him good bye and have a nice life. He can't have everything he wants and you should not be sitting around waiting for his sorry butt.

julieulie... your situation is different. this is something that your husband is okay with. this is clearly something that is bothering her so anything that makes her feel uncomfortable in her own relationship is not okay. also i'm assuming you live with your husband so youre pretty secure with your relationship. you also see him every day so its not like you (or he) feel like youre being ignored for someone else. the situation is not the same at all, so i don't think that your arrangement with your husband applies to her relationship. I do understand that it works that way with certain people, and as long as BOTH people are comfortable with the decisions being made in the relationship then all is well. when someone is upset or feels uncomfortable, hurt, and betrayed then its a different story. you have every right to be comfortable with what works for you, and she has every right to be upset without being told that shes being unreasonable and ridiculous. like i said, everyone and every relationship is different.

OOOOH sorry JulieUlie i didn't see your post clarifying your situation. my bad.

Ok- I understand more now that you and your husband have a similar situation. Still it seems like both of you are very secure and comfortable with it- while the poster is clearly not. She needs to nip this in the bud - and decide if she wants to stay with him. The situation clearly is very upsetting to her.

That's very weird, and I wouldn't stand for it.

To me, the biggest issue is that he's coming to her city, but would stay with another female friend rather than her.

It just strikes me as off. Not so much that he's visiting a female friend, but that he's doing so in a city where his girlfriend is, but appears not to be including her.

OP, is he making any effort to see you at all? Are you even free that weekend?

I think that if he's making these plans to the exclusion of you (ie - you're free but he's not making plans to see you or at least include you with his friend), then you probably have a warning signal. On the other hand, if you wouldn't have been free that weekend anyway - what, was he supposed to say no to seeing a good friend just because it was in your city?

A compromise might be, even if you are busy that weekend, having him stay with YOU rather than her. Then at least you get past the he's staying with her issue...

I don't understand why this girl would want him to stay with her at "her" families for the weekend.

Something doesn't sound right, I think the "family" might be a way for them to go off together.

If it's been 3+ years and he hasn't figured out how to make you his number one priority yet then he more then likely won't ever learn how to.

Cut your losses and find someone that's worth your time.

I was in a very similar situation with my ex a few years ago. I didn't tell him what to do, I let him make his own decision. He did go visit the girl for the weekend and on Sunday when he got home we our first break up talk and actually broke up a few days later. What bothered me was that he was putting his relationship with his friend before his relationship with me, his girlfriend. I don't think he cheated or did anything like that, but it was just the principle of the matter.

Based on my experience, I would let him decide what he wants to do and that will give you your answer of how to react.

don't want to sound depressing but this could be just a woman's instinct. I think he wants to pursue her and be with his "BEST-galfriend". I am sorry but I don't think this guy is a bf material, let alone a marriage material.

She is totally out of line to think that he would come to where you live and stay anywhere else but with his girlfriend (unless his parents live there also). And if he is even considering staying with her, tell him to go ahead, and you be the smart one and move on. Let her have him.

i agree with everyone else...this is bizarre. why would he come to your city and not stay with you? he could meet his friend for dinner or something. I would suggest that he stay with you and the three of you go out one night and he could go out with her the next night or something, and if he doesnt go for it...run far far away!

Why are you still wasting your time with this guy? Your lightbulb relationship was doomed a long time ago...move on and find someone worthwhile, or, better yet, spend some much-deserved time making yourself happy and finishing your degree without ridiculous distraction. He probably slept with this "best girl-friend" and is just happy you're gullible enough to buy his lies and allow him to think it would ever be remotely ok that he stay with her while in a relationship with you. Yuck! The only way jerks like him will ever learn to behave is by girls like you teaching them it's not ok to be sleazy and they won't get away with it. I hope his "best girl-friend" is prepared for 3 very long, disfunctional years.

I agree with a lot of the other posters. Dump the chump. (hehehe!)

so.not.cool. prepare for battle

That's a straight Hell. No. Friend or no friend, you barely see each other, why does he need to go and spend time with her and her family. A hi quick and dinner along with you and ok.

Sorry, but "He's just not that into you".

-Your relationship has already been on and off over the three years. Which to me means, there was problem a good reason y'all broke up each of those times, and it's never a good idea to get back together and see if it will work another time.
-He's not willing to spend that much time with you, but when this so called "friend" comes into town, suddenly he's free to LIVE with her for a weekend!?!?!? Ummmmm....RED FLAGS! RED FLAGS! RED FLAGS! should be going off everywhere. I doubt their relationship is just friendly.
-He's going to be in the same city as you, never gets to see you really, b/c he's "busy", and he wants to stay with this female friend of his while he's there. Ummm, he must not want to see you very badly or miss you at all, obviously he would rather spend all that time with this other girl.
-"He thinks I'm trying to keep him from a close friend." That's just his excuse to make you feel bad and end up letting him do what he wants.

This is just insane. He wants to spend an entire weekend living with and sleeping in a house with this random friend of his, while you are right there and you guys don't even get to see each other that often. I'm sorry, but I would bet money he is cheating already and will again on that weekend he goes to stay with her. And I'm sure he wouldn't be ok with a good guy friend of yours coming to stay with you for the weekend. The weirdest part is that he is coming to YOUR city. It's not like he's visiting a friend in some other city and wouldn't have anywhere else to stay but a hotel room...your right there!!!! Like others have said...run far far away.

Honestly, this is an awful situation, and I can say it because a similar thing happened to me a few years ago. My boyfriend at the time drove from our college to our home town with another girl (while I flew) and then she stayed at his house with him (where no one else was staying); and needless to say we broke up shortly after.

I'm not saying you will 100% break up if your situation happens...but there's a reason he's putting this friend in front of you in his list of priorities; don't just let him toss you around. Find someone who will ALWAYS put you first, without question. There is someone like that out there!

Why would you even tolerate this? He would be staying with her family? Why does he even need to meet her family? I'm sorry but if HER family actually live where you are then it's a mere coincidence that you happen to be there. I think he is moving back because SHE is and they want to make it work together.

Sorry. Break up. Move on.

lol @ "abort mission". ahhh, sad but good advice here.

i suspect that the pattern of your relationship got off rhythm when you were living on opposite coasts, the rules were "broken" and then later there was never any attempt to make new ones. you're both just floating around in the same orbit, but are you together? doesn't sound that way. maybe attempt to sit down with him and explain what you want from the relationship, find out what he wants. are you just still "together" out of habit or because you want this to work out. either way, you can't go on like this.

i just want to say... i am in a long distance relationship as well (as in we need to fly to see each other) because I'm in grad school and he works in another city. i know it's such a tough situation! if you feel long distance is worth it (as in the guy is worth it) then hang in there!

this girl, now, is a different story. honestly, this situation would be unacceptable to me. i wouldn't be comfortable letting my serious boyfriend stay with another girl (and her family?! hello!) for a weekend, and I'd be furious if we barely got to hang out and then he chose her over me.

bottom line- if he's really contemplating doing this, then you might need to give him an ultimatum.

There are so many sides to this story. One the topic of his friendship with this girl alone, I completely agree with Julie. Girls and guys CAN be just friends. My best friend is a guy, and has been for the past six years. In those six years, we made out once. Right after we had both been dumped. It was gross. Really, really gross. And honestly ladies, he's not bad looking. It was still like kissing... I don't know. I think it was worse than a brother. It will never happen again. Nor will we speak of it again.

IMO, any girl who is that jealous of a guy's best girlfriend needs to seriously check their insecurity. We are actually quite useful! My bud's girlfriend thinks he's soo understanding and sweet. What she doesn't realize is that usually he's clueless until I say, "Of course she's mad at you, asswipe, for x y and z reason." (Usually followed by him saying... "I don't get women. At all. But okay")

And in terms of the visit, I completely agree with Julie's suggestions for a compromise. In his boy brain, he's probably thinking "great opportunity to see my friend!" If you try and stand in the way of that, you may not have to worry about what your next move is, because you may find your clingly ass dumped. And any best girl friend worth her weight will totally get the girlfriend's position. She should even be excited to meet you and get to know the girl who is so important to her friend!

HOWEVER - I think that the real, underlying issue here is that you feel as though you and your boyfriend are drifting apart and that the relationshp is sinking. Try fixing THAT without the petty fight over the girlfriend (again, compromise, freaking out will probably only push him further away). If it can be saved, great, but if it can't... it happens. Go out and find someone worth it!

Socialista, the bottom line is that the bf wants to be with the other girl more than her. Period. Friend or not, I think ANY normal girlfriend would be pissed about this, and it has nothing to do with any insecurity on the girlfriend's part.

I agree with the majority of comments. I have a similar dilema. My boyfriend notified me in front of a group of friends that he is going to spend a weekend in Paris with an old female friend who has just moved there. I am upset about this. I don't think I should be labelled controlling, as I know I would not venture off for a weekend with a male friend. We have been together for 3 years on an off. Off being for the precise reason that I am not being considered a priority. I suggested that I go to, but this is not possible as the girl in question would not welcome this. I wonder why. I know for a fact that she harbours a strong liking for my boyfriend although he claims that he is not attracted to her. Even so I think its totally unacceptable and feel that we have no real future if my need and fears are not recognised.

girlfriends and boyfriends come nd go, but friends stay. so to the people who want to be priority number one -stop being selfish. people go through tuff with friends and more often than not, GF and BF are along for the ride.

Are you serious that you even had to ask this question?

That is absolutely ridiculous that he would consider for ONE second staying with anyone before YOU in YOUR city, when he barely sees YOU, his girlfriend. You are his girlfriend. For anyone who doesn't understand what that means: YOU COME FIRST BEFORE ANY FEMALE WHO IS NOT BLOOD RELATED FAMILY.

That is the simplest way I can put it, and the nicest.

You need to get a clue and dump this guy - RUN away from this horrible relationship as FAST as you can!!!!!

Well... I say if you are not happy then that is the only thing that matters. If you don't trust him...well that is another issue to think about. There isn't one RIGHT way to have a relationship..different people, different cultures, etc all have different values. What are your values? Do what you feel good about in your heart and be with someone compatible and fits your life the way it is... There really is only one should not ...and that is you should not do what you hate.