well first of all he knows that your friendship is more than meets the eye because it is. when you are in a relationship with someone its important for you to be honest from day 1 and even you said that you lean on him for a lot even though you are only friends. when you are in a relationship the only man that you should be leaning on for anything is your significant other. had you been honest from the beginning and weren't shady with your boyfriend then maybe he could have trusted you. and knowing that you had a history with this man you should have been smart enough to know that your boyfriend wouldn't appreciate you being that close with someone you had a relationship with and limited the contact you had with this other man.

how would you have felt if the situation was reversed? i'm sure you'd be upset about your boyfriend lying to you then spending so much time talking to someone you suspected him of having a "more than friends" past with.

with that said... your boyfriend doesn't trust you. and i'm sure now he never will. it's time to either cut all contact with this man and make it work with your boyfriend and be 100% honest with him from then on OR just break up with your boyfriend and not deal with the stress that will come along with him not trusting you.

First of all,it WAS very bad of you to screw with a married man. In all honesty, the chances of this married man JUST trying to be friends (and nothing else) with you are slim. Your current boyfriend is just trying to protect you (and in the process, married guy's wife)from getting hurt or used or doing something you'll surely regret.

If I was in this situation, I would cut ties from the married guy but since he's still helping you out (read: you're using him)then the choice is yours. Continue using the married guy when you need him and pretending he's "just a friend" or move on with your life and ditch the married guy for a man who could someday be something more. He obviously cares about you but you see boyfriends as interchangeable and nothing stable. You've obviously got some commitment issues to work out and I'd say the best place to start... ditch the married guy.

Good luck

"Don't fall for someone who's not willing to catch you"

Tell your boyfriend to get lost. No relationship is healthy when it requires the severance of other friends.

Leaving out the two of you were hump buddies and declaring you're just friends is a lie of the worst kind. In case you didn't know that's called deception. Sounds like you might be lying to yourself about the married, cheating bastard and still emotionally attached. I don't blame your bf for wanting you to cut off all ties, with the married, cheating bastard. MissJules was right in tell you to look at it from his point of view. How about from the married, cheating bastard's wife point of view. Sorry, I hate cheaters!! I also hate people, who help married people cheat!

I agree you should be relying on your bf for support and not the married, cheating bastard. If your bf can't give you the support you need, then break it off with him. I'm a bit curious about what the cheating bastard helps you with and why the humping stopped. I'd watch out, your bf might tell your married, cheating bastard's wife about you.

Honey, this ain't about boy trouble, it's about you and your self created drama. I know I've been harsh, but you lied and helped a cheater cheat. If you keep sleeping with your friends and lie about it, you probably will be friendless. Some friends do not last forever. Learn the difference between right and wrong.

First off, your bf sounds very insecure, maybe you've been giving him 'hints' without realizing since your 'friend' is soooo present in your life. Whatever. The point is, he's more intuitive than what you gave him credit for.

Honestly, you need to cut it off with your bf since he's way too controlling (suspicion is one thing, but forcing you to show IM and whatever is just over the line in my book).
And also cut it off with your 'friend' because obviously you're way too dependent on a guy who's a cheater, and your relationship doesn't sound like something 'healthy' as well. It seems that he has ulterior motive, whatever it is, his sincerity is in huge question when a guy is more than capable of backstabbing the woman he VOWED to love, be loyal to, blablabla, he'll backstab you too, for your sake, I hope it'll be soon enough so that you haven't wasted too much time on this so-called friendship. Be careful what he's going to ask of you one day since he's all 'helpful' to you. Maybe you'll get the downgrade again to booty call if his marriage hit another rough patch? You want to be in a 'mistress' position? If you do, I'm very sorry for you for not having confidence and self-esteem, and I'm sorry for that guy's wife too.

Seriously. I agree with the poster who says that SOME Friends don't last forever.

Dump them both.

RockAndRepublic you took the words right out of my mouth.

Your bf probably senses that something else has gone on between you and this man. You are not doing a 'good job' of being deceptive to him, he can tell that something else has gone on between you two or at least that you are attracted to each other. He wants you to end the friendship because he doesn't trust you, and he can sense that you are being dishonest/deceptive with him. I really don't blame your bf for what he did. Although I would agree that it is not fair for a bf to ask you to end a friendship, this relationship you are having with a married man does not exactly sound like a friendship to me. It obviously is not entirely platonic.

I think that you should try honesty in your next relationship. It sounds like you never told your bf the truth because you were either ashamed of your past behaviour or wanted to keep this guy as a backup in case things don't work out with your bf. Your lack of honesty tells me that you likely still have feelings for this man, and as a result your bf does not trust you. Are you really that surprised by his behaviour? I think that you have already made your choice, it sounds like you expect things will not work out with your bf but your 'friend' will be around for as long as you need him. Imagine how his wife would feel if she knew what was really happening here! You also do not sound very regretful for having sex with a married man. I feel really bad for your bf and for that man's wife in this situation. Another reason that your bf suspects something is because you have frequent contact with a married man, but yet probably do not talk to or socialize with his wife. That is not normal, if you were honestly 'just friends' with him, you would have befriended his wife by this point in time. If you truly value your bf then you would end your 'friendship' with this married man. But to me, it sounds like you care more for this man than you do your own bf. Not a good sign. Please seek some counselling.

Dump the friend. friends come and go all through your life you will find someone new.

He is not just a friend tho, you have a romantic history with him and the fact that your boyfriend picked up on that without you needing to even mention it proves there is still something there.
I think you are rationalizing the idea of maintaing this "friendship" by claiming he is just your friend because you are still not ready to let go of that situation.
I dont know all of the details so I can only provide this superficial advice, but I do not think you are over what you and this married man had, that or you dont think your boyfriend is worth it to you. I am not sure how I feel about your boy wanting to see your aim or what not..but at the end of the day, only you can decide who is worth it to you- you are the only one that has had a history with them, and interact with them everyday..strangers cant really tell you which one to pick!

Decide which one means the most to you, and dump the other.

I have a hard time believing you can be purely friends with someone you had a sexual affair with. Regardless of whether or not you stay with your boyfriend, your "friend" needs to be let go.

boyfriends come and go but potential husbands last forever... sometimes you just need to let things go. i too think its a bit rediculous that he is making you choose but you have to understand where he is coming from. im also wondering why you say he makes you show him IM convos and E-mail... email is one thing but why are you saving IM's? i mean... i dont know of any program that automatically saves them so you must be hanging on to them for your own benefit. i think maybe its time to grow up and move on. if you really love this man that you are with then you need to commit to him. besides... if your friend is still with the wife he cheated on... i think you are crossing the line and being completely disrespectful by continuing any sort of communication with him.

*** a potential husband MIGHT last forever...

p.s. friends come and go too

Question - where is this "friend's" wife in all of this? Does she know about your affair? I'm going to assume she doesn't because if she did I would think she wouldn't want you anywhere near her husband.

Just throwing this out there (aka making a big assumption), but you seem to be maintaining a friendship with this man in hopes that he'll eventually leave his wife for you.

From my experience there is no value in maintaining any kind of contact with someone who has deceived you or who you have acted deceptively with. Cut your losses and concentrate on building a healthy relationship.

You shouldn't be talking to the married guy anyway, you already had an affair with him once!!

Eh....seriously ladies, there is enough sh*t in the world, can we agree not to mess with each other's husbands and have enough respect for each other and ourseleves not to f*ck around with married man?!

That's aside, you shouldn't be talking to the guy you had an affair with anyways...I can't say for sure since I am not in your shoes but you should ask yourself eventhough the sexual elements of your relationship are gone, are you carrying on your relationship emotionally? Thus calling him everyday and talking to him everyday. Seriously I agree with lildorothyparker where is his wife in all of this? I am not sure how comfortable I would be if my husband talked to someone everyday on the phone...especially I am pretty sure women's intution you would pick up something more was up.

Your boyfriend also sounds very insecure and untrusting (though in his case, he seems to have a reason not to trust you, since you LIED To him about being friends only with your 'friend') to make you show him all your ims and emails. That is borderline controlling.

Normally I say dump the guy because friends will stick with you through thick and thin..even when the guy is gone...but in the case of your ex-affair I am not sure I can say the same. If you truly feel that there is nothign more than friendship, and he doesn't feel anything on his end sure stick with your friend, but frankly if his wife ever found out about your affair she would ask him to choose too probably and I can bet you he will most likely choose his wife (and possibly kids?). In this scenario, think about which person is more important to you in your life. And chose that...

OR you MAY want to just come clean to your bf and tell him that yes a long time ago, there was something abut that is over with, and now you are with him, and nothing has happened with your ex-affair since you have been with your boyfriend (assuming that is the case) and that you are with him...and you love him. And tell him that your friendship with this guy is important to you but there is nothign going on and see what your bf says...I don't know how this will work but its always an option

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?" Ghandi

Well put CYL!

Its more than obvious that the relationship you and "your friend" have is a lot more than a friendship. I honestly don't blame your boyfriend for giving you the ultimatum to be honest, I would do the same. He isn't giving you that ultimatum out of nothing, he sees something there and it concerns him, you've probably given him reason to. I will tell you as much, your lucky you have a man that actually wants to be with you after you had the indecency to have that affair!

If I were you, I'd tell your boyfriend and see if he still wants you (which I wouldn't). If he turns out to still want to be with you then I would say dump your "friend". In the end your "friend" wont be able to give you what your boyfriend/potential husband will. Make one smart decision and go with your boyfriend!

Its more than obvious that the relationship you and "your friend" have is a lot more than a friendship. I honestly don't blame your boyfriend for giving you the ultimatum to be honest, I would do the same. He isn't giving you that ultimatum out of nothing, he sees something there and it concerns him, you've probably given him reason to. I will tell you as much, your lucky you have a man that actually wants to be with you after you had the indecency to have that affair!

If I were you, I'd tell your boyfriend and see if he still wants you (which I wouldn't). If he turns out to still want to be with you then I would say dump your "friend". In the end your "friend" wont be able to give you what your boyfriend/potential husband will. Make one smart decision and go with your boyfriend!

I have had to stop talking to male friends (as often) during the course of my relationship - and not at his request either. It was something I felt was respectful to our relationship because I wouldn't want him to have that type of relationship with another woman. I want him to talk to me about problems not some other chic. Why should I be talking to another man and getting advice and assistance from him when I have a man? If I need male advice or assitance, I can ask uhhhh...MY MAN - or even my brothers if I can't talk to my man about it. You're being deceitful to your man and lying to yourself. He's not just a friend - you slept with him. Regardless of how long it's been since you slept with him, you're lying by omission by not telling your man you & this guy had a relationship. So you're putting mistrust in the relationship all by your lonesome.

I agree with other previous posts - friends come and go too...potential husband's (can) last forever.

To address the issue with you having to show IM's and all that - that itself says he doesn't trust you & thinks there's more than meets the eye. Without trust there's nothing. So is he really going to trust you after you let your friend go (and I think you should)? If you don't value your relationship, well keep communicating with the married man - and find yourself alone later on.

I want to add...

I bet your friend will not contemplate putting his marriage on the line for your friendship like you're contemplating your relationship. I bet his wife doesn't even know about you - period - your "friendship" nor your affair that lead to this so called friendship. I bet if his wife gave him an ultimatum - he would probably delete his online profile and block IM's - immediately! DUH!!!

I want to add...

I bet your friend will not contemplate putting his marriage on the line for your friendship like you're contemplating your relationship. I bet his wife doesn't even know about you - period - your "friendship" nor your affair that lead to this so called friendship. I bet if his wife gave him an ultimatum - he would probably delete his online profile and block IM's - immediately! DUH!!!

That's a really tough question. I can understand both of your points of view, definitely. I think Fallen85 makes some really good points, in that your relationship with the married guy is already questionable and I wouldn't completely trust his motives for being your...friend. On the other hand, if he really means a lot to you and you've been through a lot together, of course he'd be hard to let go of (even though that might be good for you!) because you're not 100% sure of where things will go with your boyfriend. You need to step back from this situation and decide which guy is actually GOOD for you, because you can't have both. The answer might be neither one. Ultimately though, when you do get completely serious with someone (i.e. plan on marrying them) you absolutely cannot continue your friendship with Married Guy, because that would constitute emotional cheating, which is damaging to any romantic relationship.

They're STILL having an emotional affair...it says the married guy is still married and she's been involved with her BF for almost 2 years. Whatever! That's disgusting. It's not enough to have an affair, now you're counting on the married guy for things that are probably taking him away from his wife. Why did you "cut off" the affair at all?

I know it's tough to have to choose between two people who are important to you. You don't want to upset either one and you still want to remain in contact with both. But when it comes to matters like this, you really do need to be selfish and not take into consideration other people's feelings. You have to do what you think is best for you because there's no turning back once you've decided on an ultimatum.

If you love your boyfriend and you really want to make it work, you should drop your friend. As a guy, I KNOW FOR A FACT that there is not compromising especially when it's someone you have history with. If your friend is really a friend, he will understand and back down.

On the other hand, if you really want to keep your friend and you think that your boyfriend is replaceable, I think you should go ahead and dump your boyfriend. If he can't respect your friends, he's never going to so its no use in keeping him around waiting for him to change. If this is a strong friendship, you don't wanna let him down.

So there's my sort of obvious and cold-hearted advice. Pick one and drop the other.
(If it were me, I'd pick the boyfriend. Married guys are trouble.)

Sounds like neither of these relationships is at all healthy. You can't be in a romantic relationship without trust, so it sounds like things definitely will not work out with your boyfriend. Also, you can't truly be friends with someone who has alterior motives -- and it sounds like your "friend" is still trying to hold on to his old lover (is he still married, by the way??? if so, you should drop contact immediately), while you are using his "help" to get you out of whatever jam you were in.

Take some time away from both of these men and really focus on yourself. You're not able to really give yourself to either of these relationships until you know what you want/need. Besides, it doesn't sound like the situation/timing/motives are sound for either of these relationships. Get out now, save yourself.

First off, this situation is disgustingly inappropriate. I don’t know how you can live knowing you helped someone commit adultery and still continue communicating with him and be “friends”?! How in the world can you have a normal friendship with someone you had a sexual relationship with and who by the way is married. I think you should just let your boyfriend go because you’ve never been honest with him to begin with and there is no way you can have a healthy relationship with him if you continue being friends with the married guy. You are not respecting yourself and your boyfriend by being "friends" with this married guy. Also, you’ve been in a relationship with your boyfriend for 2 yrs and you claim to love very much but yet you can’t even decide for yourself who matter most. Do you ever ask yourself why you lean on a married man and not your current boyfriend? I believe that no matter who you end up in a relationship with, you’ll always have this problem if you don’t cut ties with the married guy because you’re both still emotionally attached. I think you have some commitment issues that you need to deal with. I know we can’t help who we like and feel attracted to but you need to think if there are other people involved and if your actions may hurt someone else. Good Luck!

Your affair has not ended you are still having an emotional affair with this man. You lean on him for a lot please that is such a load of crap. I assume you are a grown woman so start relying on yourself. You need to end BOTH relationships and figure your sh*t out.

I understand why he is insecure. If I had a bf that talks to a girl every day, that depended on that girl as much as you do to that guy, I’ll be very insecure about his and her intentions. And in your case I don’t think is ok to still have contact to a guy you had a history with, and even though your boyfriend doesn’t know about it, DON’T TELL HIM THAT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORST, it seems clear that he knows that there is something there. I don’t truly think that they would be a happy medium in this case. And to me is clear that there are still feeling there.

explain the situation to your friend, and put the friendship on hold indefinitely. if he is your friend, he'll understand.
if you need him more than your man, there are other issues for you to deal with

*~every child deserves medical care, their parents' situation should have nothing to do with it~*
OBAMA-BIDEN 2008

I'm not going to lie. The fact that you helped this man cheat on his ife and remain "friends" with him makes you look really bad. If you correspond as much as you claim to with this friend, it's no wonder your bf is suspicious. It seems a lot like you two still have something going just from your description. Any normal human would be. Stop communicating with this so-called "friend." You KNOW he is scummy because you HELPED him cheat!

You have to choose. The fact that you're making excuses about how boyfriends don't last that long says something. You clearly respect your friend more than the person you claim to love. Friendships come and go just as easily as relationships. Some may think it sounds silly, but really, you DO date friends. You can't have a relationship without a friendship aspect in the mix. Some date their friends and escalate it, others meet people and date right away and develop a friendship. If there's no friendship all you have is a sex partner. To put it bluntly, this guy you cheated with doesn't respect you, or your boyfriend. If he knew you were so emotionally attached to someone, he would have backed off, and respected you and your love. He has no self dignity, and practically saw this as a great "sexortunity" (sex opportunity). Now at the back of your boyfriends mind, he just sees you and the other guy together, and probably having sex. An image no guy wants in his mind. He could get over it, but only with ties being cut with the other man. Now flip the position. How do you feel? With that said, you're not making him feel loved, you're just hurting him. The fact that you're talking about this relationship so nonchalantly means he's not that important to you. It's better you just let him go and run back to the other man, cuz that's exactly what he's thinking.