Group Therapy: Killing Me Softly

March 1, 2010

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My husband has been off-and-on leaving me since we have been together. He left me at the beginning of the year. He's acting like he doesn't even care. I am not going to lie: I'm devastated! I don't want my two little girls to see me like this. What do I do?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community. Maybe we'll feature your content on TrèsSugar.

16 Comments

tarynitup 3 years

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm not sure what your specific circumstances are but if he leaves you and comes back regularly I would guess that he's cheating on you. If he isn't he is being very clear that he doesn't want to be with you. He's probably only coming back when he needs something. This situation has never happened to me, but it's happened to friends of mine. The guy would leave to be with the other woman, when he realizes that that relationship requires work too, he'd come back. The other woman was going through the same thing as the wife or girlfriend. Ask yourself what you would tell your daughters to do if they were in your situation. Would you tell them to wait for him to realize what a good thing he has and put up with this mental abuse until he grows up? You are setting an example of how women and men interact and what love looks like. You're also showing them that having someone who treats you like dirt is better than being independent. Your girls may grow up to believe that they are not capable of taking care of themselves, that ANY man can take care of them better than they can take care of themselves. I know it's hard but it is completely your responsibility to put an end to this situation. As you yourself said, "he's acting like he doesn't even care." This could go on for many more years if you let it.Woman up, find support and get on with the life you've always wanted. It's not too late!xoxo

tarynitup 3 years

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm not sure what your specific circumstances are but if he leaves you and comes back regularly I would guess that he's cheating on you. If he isn't he is being very clear that he doesn't want to be with you. He's probably only coming back when he needs something. This situation has never happened to me, but it's happened to friends of mine. The guy would leave to be with the other woman, when he realizes that that relationship requires work too, he'd come back. The other woman was going through the same thing as the wife or girlfriend. Ask yourself what you would tell your daughters to do if they were in your situation. Would you tell them to wait for him to realize what a good thing he has and put up with this mental abuse until he grows up? You are setting an example of how women and men interact and what love looks like. You're also showing them that having someone who treats you like dirt is better than being independent. Your girls may grow up to believe that they are not capable of taking care of themselves, that ANY man can take care of them better than they can take care of themselves. I know it's hard but it is completely your responsibility to put an end to this situation. As you yourself said, "he's acting like he doesn't even care." This could go on for many more years if you let it. Woman up, find support and get on with the life you've always wanted. It's not too late! xoxo

mamachaka 3 years

Has anyone else been through this? What did ya do?

mamachaka 3 years

I just found out that I may lose my apartment because they based the rental amount and his income. He's the one that left! Marriage sucks...

3 years

I don't think there's enough information in your post to give good, solid advice. But I'll go with what you've got. I think one question to ask yourself is: What is he gonna have to do that will trigger me leaving? Is it that he's gonna have to cheat on you before you leave, or is it that he's gonna have to be gone for weeks at a time without an explanation, or etc... What you don't want your little girls to see is their mom who continues to accept mistreatment. His interaction with you is not acceptable. If a close and dear friend was in a similar situation, what would you tell her?

3 years

Try to imagine what your life will be like if you stay with him. Don't idealize the situation when you imagine that-- what has happened in the past most likely will repeat itself, so just imagine yourself dealing with that for your entire life. Maybe you could write down all the terrible things he has done, and how he makes you feel. That could stop you from idealizing the relationship you had with him later on. Now try to imagine yourself with somebody else. Better, right? Keep imagining yourself with somebody else from now on. You will get through it.

lauraxtc 3 years

You need to get over him. If its been going on for years, he probably lost respect for you and love a long time ago. You need to accept that and tough it out. Im sorry if I am being to rough, I have been in your shoes and girl, I cried nights, I would even go look for him until one day, I said "C'mon, are you going to continue doing this to us or what? Do we still have a chance, you need to tell me now and I will respect what you decide." and he without skipping a beat said, Forget about us. We are done. I care for you, but not like that anymore. and It hurt, I suffered, I lost so much weight due to being so depressed. But I stopped calling, I changed my number, I had to. Because if I didn't, and If you dont, you will be the one who will be feeling sorry for yourself, and even if he does come back, he will leave again because he knows he can get away with it. He knows you dont value yourself enough and will forgive him no matter what he does. and There is a Limit!! You have a value! You have to find it within yourself. I finally just had to deal with it. I have kids too and had to stay strong for my children. I understand that its hard and change can be difficult but change can also be good for you. You have to see it in a positive way. Its sad that it didn't work out, but you have learned, learned the hard way and maybe this experience will help you in your next relationship. You will value yourself more.For now, just work out, live for yourself and your children. And forget that man.

lauraxtc 3 years

You need to get over him. If its been going on for years, he probably lost respect for you and love a long time ago. You need to accept that and tough it out. Im sorry if I am being to rough, I have been in your shoes and girl, I cried nights, I would even go look for him until one day, I said "C'mon, are you going to continue doing this to us or what? Do we still have a chance, you need to tell me now and I will respect what you decide." and he without skipping a beat said, Forget about us. We are done. I care for you, but not like that anymore. and It hurt, I suffered, I lost so much weight due to being so depressed. But I stopped calling, I changed my number, I had to. Because if I didn't, and If you dont, you will be the one who will be feeling sorry for yourself, and even if he does come back, he will leave again because he knows he can get away with it. He knows you dont value yourself enough and will forgive him no matter what he does. and There is a Limit!! You have a value! You have to find it within yourself. I finally just had to deal with it. I have kids too and had to stay strong for my children. I understand that its hard and change can be difficult but change can also be good for you. You have to see it in a positive way. Its sad that it didn't work out, but you have learned, learned the hard way and maybe this experience will help you in your next relationship. You will value yourself more. For now, just work out, live for yourself and your children. And forget that man.

3 years

If your husband has been leaving you off and on since you've been together why the heck did you marry him in the first place?

jenni5 3 years

Filmgirl said it perfectly!

jenni5 3 years

Filmgirl said it perfectly!

filmgirl81 3 years

You need to get him out of your life permanently (except for allowing him to see the kids). Letting him in and out of your life as well as the childrens' lives is extremely unhealthy. The only way you can heal is by letting him go, and don't let your kids see you hurt over their father. Just tell them it didn't work out between you two, and that he won't be there for them all of the time

Old School 3 years

First, I'm sorry you're going through an ordeal like this.Second, I think you should stop letting his actions affect your own view of yourself. You're not a victim. He's just a jerk. You've got to start making decisions for yourself and your kids that don't take him into account. To decide is to cut out all other options. As long as you're in a victim's limboland state of mind, you'll be going in circles, getting dizzy, nowhere, and sick.Don't badmouth him to your children, but you've got to get off the pity pot and kick it into another gear. Start acting instead of reacting. You and your girls will all feel better when you do.

Old School 3 years

First, I'm sorry you're going through an ordeal like this. Second, I think you should stop letting his actions affect your own view of yourself. You're not a victim. He's just a jerk. You've got to start making decisions for yourself and your kids that don't take him into account. To decide is to cut out all other options. As long as you're in a victim's limboland state of mind, you'll be going in circles, getting dizzy, nowhere, and sick. Don't badmouth him to your children, but you've got to get off the pity pot and kick it into another gear. Start acting instead of reacting. You and your girls will all feel better when you do.

JoeTyndall 3 years

Distract, distract, distract. You need to distract yourself by thinking about someone new. Think about the cute guy down at McDonald's. Somebody. I remember the time I started looking around for someone who I could use to distract myself from thoughts about my ex. There was a cute girl (I am a guy) who worked down at the local grocery store. I never planned to ask her out, I didn’t even plan to try to get some kind of friendship going. I was using her only as a distraction. Whenever thoughts of my ex would pop into my head, I would think about her. It worked — not well — but it worked.

totygoliguez 3 years

If you need to cry do it in privet. It is not healthy for your girls to see that their mom is crying for their dad, that will make them resentful towards their father. And I will recommend that you don't take him back: " None deserves your tears; who does will not make you cry."

Link Love

16 Comments