First of all, repeat after me: "This man is NOT beautiful and he is NOT wonderful. He is abusive towards me and I deserve better. I can only worry about myself, and right now, I need to take care of myself. What he chooses to do with his life or to his body is his choice only, and nothing I can be held responsible for."

Leave this man NOW and get into therapy. Check local women's shelters for free classes and resources for abused women.

When all is done and said, you aren't happy with him, and you deserve to make yourself happy.
It is not easy to pick up and leave after a long time, especially if your partner has been emotionally controlling. It is a good thing you decided this before the wedding, that makes it alot easier.
Sometimes we just have to do what is right for ourselves, so hold your chin up, and do it for yourself.
Agree with comment #1, therapy or some councelling is a good idea, since his guilt trip might be difficult to deal with.
Good Luck!

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"Thank God, for my naturally clingy nature" - Olive

Trick my friend told me: Tell yourself he never loved you, (if he ever did, I wouldn't have to make this decision). Anyway, if you're not happy now, and you two can't fix thing you won't be happy married especially with children. Think of the children! (I know that sounds like a joke, but seriously, think of the kids).

Why would it be a mistake to leave someone who is emotionally controlling, manipulative and abusive??? I think that you need some couselling to help you figure out how to love yourself again. There is nothing beautiful or wonderful about someone that would treat you this way. I would advise you to tell friends and family that you trust that he is abusive to you and you want to leave. Then follow through on it. Things will get better for you and you will feel like a weight has been lifted. I agree with GScott86, I sincerely feel sad for you but even more sad to think that you could have children with this man. Remember this: if a man will abuse a woman, then he will also abuse a child. Is this who you want as the father of your children?? Good luck to you.

Wow, it sounds like I wrote the question! I just left my husband of 1 year for the exact same reasons. We were together for 6 years before I finally couldn't take it anymore. I thought he was a wonderful caring person (a lot of the time), and that made up for when he wasn't. I thought he loved me, and that if I loved him I would put up with it. If someone truly loves you, they don't treat you like that. If you think he's emotionally controlling, manipulative and abusive, he is.

I look back at how my life was with him and cannot believe that I stayed as long as I did. I am SO much happier now, it's almost like I'm a different person. Please really think about how he affects your life; you don't want to look back in 20 years and think why didn't I just go??

And I forgot to mention, go to counseling! I did (he refused to), and it really, really helped. It gave me the confidence to go. I'm sure that there are domestic violence shelters in your area, call them. Emotional abuse is no less a form of abuse than physical. It's so important to watch out for yourself and your well-being. Emotionally and physically. Good luck

In the wise words of Dan Savage: Dump That MotherF*cker Now!

Before you learn to love someone else you must love yourself!! do what is right for you. Sometime you have to listen to your mind than your heart. Its hard to leave someone after being so long with them. But what does not kill you only makes you stronger! Good luck!!

xoxo Yadie

I would just tell a few of my close friends that I was doing it, and my mom, and tell them a set date. That way, you have to do it or they'll probably bug you about it until you do, or come drag you out themselves. It's good to have support of others.

Look you are not happy with this men; we look for relationships that make us happy, secure, and save. And to me you have none of this. If you are not happy now, you will never be, and if he is like that to you when you are not even marry he will be worse when you get marry. The best advice I can give you is to walk away I don't think you are making a mistake they are many wonderful men out there that do deserve you and will respect you don't think that you deserve less. Remember the most important person in the world is you.

The way he treats you is NOT love. You are doing the right thing by leaving him, don't talk yourself out of it. It's YOUR life, do you really want it to look like this forever? You may think you love him and that he loves you, but after it's all said and done you will find someone who REALLY loves you. That's after you get out and love yourself first. It's hard, but it's soooo worth it! Getting single and learning how to love and care for yourself is the greatest gift you'll ever give yourself.

I wrote this to another OP recently....you are staying not out of love but out of fear of the unknown. You have been emotionally beaten down for so long, you truly think that his behavior is the norm.

Well, it's not. The fact that you call him beautiful and wonderful in spite of the fact that he is abusive is a huge red flag....you have completely lost perspective on how a loving human being behaves(VERY common with abused women) and I also think you need counseling for this.

One thing I have learned by joining this site is how strongly as women we love....I think it is a woman's nature to love and put the people they love first, many times over their own interests. This is true no matter what our relationships are like, abusive or not. Self sacrifice can be good to a point, but we have to realize that it cannot be maintained over the long term, because we are human and have the same needs to.

If you don't start taking care of yourself, you won't have anything left to give to someone who will truly love you. Every individual has the right to be happy, whether they are in a relationship or not. Please seek counseling and try to break free from this situation.

Good luck!

LEAVE! I know that is much harder to do than say. I can tell you that you are headed towards a life of a lot of misery and resentment. You say your boyfriend keeps pulling you back in when you plan on leaving. Think about how you are going to leave...where will you live?..how will you support yourself?...Think about what your fears are and how you can overcome them. Once you are able to conquer your fears and make a plan..you will have the confidence to confront him and stick with your decision to leave. Marrying this man will only complicate things and make it more difficult for you to leave. Emotional and verbal abuse is something that will not go away over night. It is a vicious cycle that has probably been in his family through generations. It can be hard when you still care for the person in some respects. Seeing a therapist may be a great way to decide if there are areas the two of you can work on or can be a great way to receive some guidance as to how to leave him.

LEAVE! I know that is much harder to do than say. I can tell you that you are headed towards a life of a lot of misery and resentment. You say your boyfriend keeps pulling you back in when you plan on leaving. Think about how you are going to leave...where will you live?..how will you support yourself?...Think about what your fears are and how you can overcome them. Once you are able to conquer your fears and make a plan..you will have the confidence to confront him and stick with your decision to leave. Marrying this man will only complicate things and make it more difficult for you to leave. Emotional and verbal abuse is something that will not go away over night. It is a vicious cycle that has probably been in his family through generations. It can be hard when you still care for the person in some respects. Seeing a therapist may be a great way to decide if there are areas the two of you can work on or can be a great way to receive some guidance as to how to leave him.

I think you already answered your own question. You know you're unhappy, he does not treat you well, and you want to leave. Don't let him play his mind games on you by making you feel guilty. He should be the one feeling guilty for being abusive! What mistake are you afraid of making? That you'll end up dating a bigger jerk? I hope that once you leave him, you'll recognize the jerks from a mile away and stay away!

Someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive to you is NOT a beautiful, wonderful person. Get out of this relationship now!

wow, this is a little weird as I am in the same boat. I can tell you this even tho you know he is bad for you, it's still having a great effect on you. I myself have been with this man for 5 yrs. I've been looking for a job for a few mo's now so I can get out. Do not let this happen to you hun, you could end up without a job the car in his name then where will you be? Don't let yourself end up like this get out now. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. I wish you all the luck in the world

Get a counselor and get out. He's obviously abusive if he treats you like sh*t yet has you convinced that he's a wonderful person. I was in a similar relationship with a complete *sshole for just over a year, and it took me the same amount of time to heal the mental and emotional wounds he inflicted. Now he's treating an even more vulnerable girl like crap. Anyway, dump him, keep the ring and sell it to the highest bidder, then use the money for a vacation you've always wanted to take without this loser ruining it.

This sounds JUST like me and my boyfriend. Same situation to the T; he's incredibly intelligent and caring, but he's very controlling and emotionally abusive and I want to leave him and I've been trying for the last 2 years. I know it sounds like the two can't come in the same package, but it can. He takes care of me when I'm sick, he makes sure I have everything I want and need, he makes me laugh, when I'm sad he does everything in his power to lift my spirits. The other side is so ugly though... it's like a complete Jekyl and Hyde story. He can be scary and angry and mean and we probably have a huge fight once a week (it's died down a bit, it used to be almost everyday.) Yet when I tell him that this isn't working and that we need to break up, he'll break down and cry, and tell me how much he loves me and that he can't imagine life without me and I take him back because I feel so bad and guilty. I'm exhausted and drained and I've lost all my friends because of this relationship. My advice is... You must keep telling yourself that although he MAY care for you and truly love you, he has issues inside that he must deal with before he can fully commit to any serious relationship. He's not doing this because it's YOU, he's doing this because it's HIM. No matter who he is in a relationship with, he will always treat her this way unless he gets help.

I need to follow my own advice...

Forgot to add - that's why you should break up with him before you ever step into marriage. I know it's difficult but you must, for your own health and his.

I completely second Luis's statement. He's NOT wonderful and he's NOT beautiful. If he was, he wouldn't put you through what you're dealing with. And be assured, it's YOU dealing with HIM, not the other way around. The first thing you need to do is get a therapist for YOU to figure out why you feel this is what you deserve. YOU DO deserve better. You need to realize that. Once you're in with the therapist, have HER (or him, though a woman is typically better for another woman in this situation in my opinion) help you get things in order to leave. A therapist will also help you learn how to avoid "being sucked back in."

The typical pattern for behavior like his is that it will escalate. Right now you might only "Think" it borders on abusive, but if you let this continue, it will be certain, and once you're married it's much more difficult to get out.

I have more than a peripheral knowledge of these situations, so I may be jaded, but I lived through a relationship very similar to the one you are describing. I made the mistake though of marrying him instead of getting out first. If you are the letter writer, please feel free to Private message me if you need support. No one should EVER go through something like this alone.

Rather break up now than face a divorce a few years down the line.

An abusive relationship (or a relationship with signs of abuse) is never going to get better. It can only get worse.

Leave now before you miss your opportunity. You'll kick yourself later if you don't.

You should get out now before it turns into physical abuse. You can do better!

DTMFA. You've been unhappy 4 of 5 years with him?? LORD. Get a clue.

Everyone deserves Happiness.... Not to be treated like dirt. You took a risk when you got with him so why not take a bigger risk to leave and go out on your own to see how much more you'll enjoy life. Make yourself Happy.. Good luck.