i wish i had a solution for you, but nothing i've tried works either! I have tried only having one set of dishes per person, only cleaning up my stuff (including laundry) arguing, pleading... anything i do only changes things for a short time.... good luck!

Maybe stop doing things for him. For example, cook dinner for yourself only and not for him. It seems childish, but it may get him to realize that he is taking your for granted.

I'm sorry to be blunt, your husband does not sound very nice. I know women typically do more housework than their partners, but it is pretty cold that he just laughs when you ask for help. How is your relationship otherwise? If he is a wonderful considerate and kind man who just happens to be a bum around the house, that's one thing. But if this behaviour carries into other areas, then that could be really destructive.

I'm not married, but have lived with my bf for a year and half now. I have to ask and or beg him to help around the house. Sometimes he'll do it and sometimes he won't. I usually do about 80% or more of the work around the house with my son and taking care of our dog since he isn't home alot more than me! I would complain, but I had to bring it up quiet alot before he new how I felt about it (like a slave) I did stop doing his laundry for a while and he would do his own when he absolutly had too. If you are working full time as much as he is he should be doing 50% of the house work too, that is what I always say, but maybe ask him if he doesn't want to to housework is there something else he can bring to the table, like fixing things or paying more of the bills or planning more dates and fun things with you. It's kinda give and take and some guys just plain won't do house work, it sucks!!!

--Good luck--

I don't really have any advice either since my hubby won't clean much. It seems to be a common problem with guys, partly because they don't have the same standards for what is clean or not as we do (like my hubby is fine with the garbage pail overflowing, where as I think it's gross).

Sorry I can't be more help, but if you can afford it, I would hire a maid. That's what I wish I could do!

My husband is pretty good about cleaning up, especially if I ask nicely.

I did have a male roommate one time, who would NEVER clean up, so I wondered what would happen if I let things go. Nothing happened; the house got messier and messier and when I eventually caved, it was way more work for me.

To be honest, I can't believe he laughed at you and left. He sounds like a jerk but he is your husband, and I am sure you're not going to split up over the dishes! My advice is to suck it up and realize that this is YOUR job and you will not get any help from him. Once you stop resenting him, you will be happier and you can probably have a happier relationship.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh or too Dr. Laura. Also QueenLizzy is right: if you can, hire a maid. (I have one!)

This is a really classic problem with all guys seems like, they don't want to do the girly things. They've had their moms do it all before them, so why start now. I've been living with my fiance and at first we argued about these problems too. He rarely does anything around the house while I do the cooking, the cleaning (even the cat litter box!), the organizing, the laundry, etc, you name it. But he comes in handy when we deal with things or places I can't reach high up like routing cables along the ceiling, fixing pipes and furniture, doors and windows, the electronics and the lawn of course. All women say they want gender equality but men do what they are best at, their natural manly tasks. I know it sounds so 1950, but it works sometimes. So now instead of yelling at him to do the dishes or to scrub the bathroom with me, I enjoy cooking meals for him and keeping my place clean like how I want it since i can't trust him really anyway. And then every time I need a laptop fix or some draino, or even lifting groceries, I holler at him and he'll come runnin'! And then of course I've trained him to do some basics in case if I get sick or I'm too tired from work and things. Then I learn the basics in case of his inconveniences for little electronics or a plumbing problem. It all evens out

The major issue here is that if the man loves his woman dearly, he will feel guilty of being a brat and eventually give you a hug and start making amends. Keep doing house work diligently for a while, and make him notice how much you do around the house. Even if he doesn't do all the dishes, at least he will give you a massage afterwards because, seriously, he's better at that than bacterial inspection, right? If he doesn't notice and you get impatient, just point him in the right direction, sit down and talk about it as a real serious issue that's been bothering you. And if he does have his share of work in the relationship, maybe not housework, just realize that it's not true that he's just sitting on his butt being completely unproductive. Then you two could be open and compromise. But bottom line, slack off a little! Your couch doesn't need to be spotless all the time.

first off, does he know how much this bugs you? it sounds you're expecting him to just read your mind and start cleaning, etc. - that's not gonna happen. men don't operate the same way as women do as we're raised differently. do i think that's right? absolutely not but it's true. if you want him to do something, you have to tell him and then nag like hell. he's not magically going to start doing stuff like this especially when it seems he's gotten comfortable with the way you've been spoiling him. i've been living with my guy for about two years now and from day one, i broke it down that we were going to split everything in half. i wash the dishes, he empties the dishwasher. i clean the kitchen, he does the bathroom. if he doesn't do his chores (or i don't do mine), there has to be a consequence, whether it's just getting pissy at each other until we do the chore or nagging the hell out of each other. you have to call him on his laziness and explain that you're not his maid/cook/mother. stand up for yourself and don't let him get away with acting like a spoiled jerk.

I suggest counseling. If you want equality and an egalitarian relationship, demand it. Things won't change by themselves and he obviously isn't taking you seriously. I think you should do this sooner rather than later because resentment in a relationship will only build up - it never goes away with out words.

And I don't even want to get started on how it is supposedly "The Woman's Job" to do dishes and clean the house. Let go of what society imposes on you.

I hope your husband at least does the 'outside' work. If he's all for traditional male roles, then taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, opening jars, and reaching all the tall stuff shouldn't be a problem for him.

Not to rub it in, but I feel really lucky to have my boyfriend. He does at least half of the housework. We split things up a bit. He hates laundry and I don't mind, so I do that and he does the dishes.

I really do think you should let him know that you're not his mom and you're not going to continue to pick up after him. It's demeaning if he thinks that's what you're supposed to do while he sits on his butt and watches the game.

I have been in this situation for 10 years! And I've added 2 kids to the mix to make it worse. When it gets really bad (and I'm a neat freak, cleaning addict) I stop doing anything for him. I don't make him meals, I'll just cook something small for the kids. Buy paper products and when you sit down to dinner serve his dinner in paper products and use the dishes for yourself.

I have at times collected all of his stuff from around the house and either piled it on his side of the bed day after day until he cleaned it up, or put it all in his favorite spot to relax. I have also a few times, just started throwing stuff away. It works for a while and then it starts all over again eventually.

Seriously I don't think there is a long term or permanent solution to this though.

ha, violinladyfreak! if only. my boyfriend is a total slob around the house, and won't even fix things without a huge whining rigmarole. it's one of the reasons i'm moving out and letting him live on his own for a while. hopefully he'll get the picture that NO ONE likes to do this, it is NOT FUN to clean, and for god's sake okay if you're not going to do it that's fine but THANK ME ONCE IN A WHILE and maybe TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER or WRITE ME A NOTE saying you appreciate it.

Lol, I have some anger on the subject.

Good luck.

Wow...so many people have this problem! I really feel though if he truly loves you, the fact that this bothers you should bother him. My fiance and I have lived together for 2 and a half years and at first it was hell. He was spoiled rotten by his mom and had never even done his own laundry. I was doing everything, cooking, cleaning all while working full time. I did everything that was suggested here, stop cooking, stop cleaning, only clean my stuff, etc. Bottom line? It never worked because it was passive aggressive and subtlety rarely works on men. You really need to sit down and have an honest conversation about it and what your expectations are for each of you around the house. If you need to do it with a counselor, then do that, but nothing will change until he has a clear idea of what he needs to do. I would say that I still do the lion's share of the housework, but my guy tries and that is all I really wanted anyway. Good luck!

He laughed at you when you asked him to help?! Makes me think he has a general level of disrespect towards you. Which is not a good pattern to perpetuate! This sort of happened in my marriage. I saw plenty of other high-powered execs (husbands)coming home and cooking, taking their kids to programs, working around the house, etc. When I asked my husband how come other busy "important" guys could share in the work at home, he was very clear that he thought these guys did way too much for their wives, and he wasn't prepared to do any of it! How's that for a slap in the face! Bottom line, it was a power thing for him. He figured I was lucky to have him, and he thought he could get away with it - after all, what was I going to do, with a couple of little kids at home? Needless to say, with that general attitude, there were other problems in the marriage, that was just one symptom of them. Things didn't change until we got back together after temporarily separating. That's what it took for him to figure out I was serious!!!

Try not to let it come to that. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself how happy you are with your marriage in general. It sounds like your guy may be the kind who will keep pushing the envelope if you let him. Things will probably get worse if you let them slide. I should have cracked the whip YEARS before I did. My marriage, and my self-esteem, would have been the better for it. Do whatever it takes to get the message through to him NOW - whether it's a serious talk, counselling, whatever. Then follow through if he doesn't keep up his end of the deal.

Tell him straight out that he needs to help around the house and that he's your husband not your kid.
Don't accept him laughing it off.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 7 months now and at first I had similar problems. He was used to living with guys and not having to worry about how clean it was. When we first moved in together I was doing all the cleaning. But he does cook dinner every night so I was like ok whatever. Then I started to realize that it was too much stress and work on my shoulders. I sat him down and talked to him and this was our solution....We have a wooden framed mirror that hangs in our living room so what we did is took a dry erase marker and divided it into 4 sections. Two for each of us - one saying the things that we love about each other and the other saying the things that we would like for the other to improve or work on. We sat there and talked about each individual thing and it was good because we balanced the improvements with the things that we love so no one's feelings were hurt. We hung the mirror back on the wall and now it is there to remind us of the things that we love about each other, but also the things that we need to do better. One of my improvements was for him to be cleaner. While we were doing this I told him how I feel like I do a lot and he can do simple things to help clean up. For example he always leaves tissues laying around so I said just to pick those up. Or instead of doing all the dishes every time, just to rinse off his plate and put it in the dishwasher. This has REALLY helped. It got my feelings out in the open, but he didn't feel like he was being attacked or "nagged". Maybe try something like this!!! You will learn a lot about each other and maybe he will actually give you a reason for being so damn lazy!

Just sit him down and say you don't feel appreciated. Even if it's the truth, don't accuse him of taking you for granted; Studies show that arguments go smoother with "I" statements instead of "you" statements. That way he won't feel backed into a corner and need to be too defensive. Say you feel like you work really hard juggling so much and would really appreciate if he would lend a hand once in a while. And tell him it hurt that he just laughed it off.

Like I said, you might be really angry but sugarcoating a little when you give it to him might help you get what you want better.

Good luck!

I hate playing games, but sometimes, it is the only thing that works. Do for yourself, and start doing what you do for him, but badly. Throw his undies in the wash with a red sock. After having pink undies for a while, he'll figure out how to do it himself. I had a boss once who's husband would never help buy groceries (she was a stay at home Mom at the time, and didn't drive), but expected her to make is lunch every day. When they ran out of sandwich meat and cheese, she left a note in between two pieces of bread. When he bit in, he got the hint. Guys will NEVER understand that chores can stress you out emotionally and will NEVER change behaviors that do not directly affect them. They don't see that not helping you out is a reflection of how much they care. If he is still being taken care of by you, what is his motivation to change? There is none. He is capable of putting in the same amount of effort that you put in to maintain a house, you just need to give him the right nudge. After a bit, make sure to praise him in front of people for being such a good hubby and helping out, guys love being seen as your hero.

In a marriage, you gotta prioritize what your battles are... You know, figure out which things are deal breakers.

For me, (and I know this sounds bad) there are a lot of deal breakers. And it's because "how I am treated" is a incredibly important to me. If my husband DARED to pull that kind of crap, his ass would be on the couch. Sorry, but it's true. You do not treat someone who is contributing to the household like that.

And if the behavior repeated, eventually his ass would be out the door.

I have no interest in someone who does not want to be an equal partner. I work and contribute to monthly expenses just as he does. His butt is expected to clean up.

If my husband ever DARED to just laugh at me... Well, he would have a major nag session heading his way. Then I'd call his parents. And I would shame them. Because it (in my husband's case) would be their fault that their jerk son felt it was not part of his job in the marriage to help clean.

But my husband would never do that. Because I prioritized for him what's important to me. And how I get treated is "numero uno." And he does clean... I mean, I usually have to ask him. And that's fine. But he would never dare laugh at me.

And please don't go with the "sugarcoating" method as someone above suggested. Be clear about what you need. Ask nicely. But don't kiss his butt. It's his household too. He ate the dinner. If he doesn't want to help clean, then he doesn't need to eat the dinners that you cook.

Someone recently asked a similar question in a "Dear Abby" column, and I agreed with her answer: stop picking up after him. Clean your own messes, do your own laundry, and prepare small meals for yourself. You'll have to live with the mess for a while to get your point across, but it'll be worth it.

As it stands, he has no reason to pitch in. You do it all, and then reward him with large, fancy meals.

stop doing it for him. i have the same problem, and when he runs out of underwear and socks, or when he has no more dishes to eat on, he is spurred into action. it may drive you crazy, make you a little miserable, but little by little, the point will be made. its possible that your routine of cleanliness is so strict and efficient that you are getting to things before he feels like he has a chance to contribute. guys also definately don't like being told or asked to do housework, its like being with mom all over again. have you tried leaving the trash by the door, or does he walk past that too?
if these efforts don't help and he smirks at you, something much deeper is wrong. the less you show him it bugs you, the better off you'll be either way.

This might be spiteful and passive aggressive, but I would only clean up for myself and cook for myself. For real. I am a brat, and I know this isn't the mature thing to do, but I am not his mommy and don't feel the need to cook and clean for someone who doesn't appreciate it. And for him to laugh at you? HELLLLSSSS NO.

The fact that he laughed at you is really sad. It makes me think your problems are much larger than you just cleaning up after him.

7kimba - you are NOT a brat and nor is that immature. That is exactly the type of thing he needs since he had the nerve to laugh at her when she requested his help. Sometimes when words dont help, actions speak louder.

geebers
I feared saying "yeah... he can cook and clean up after himself, he's full grown" and everyone would say GOD.. just talk it out and tell him you are upset! and I'd think pish posh, he's old enough to know this stuff on his own. When his clothes smell because you haven't washed them and he's starving because you haven't cooked for him, he'll learn his lesson.
My boyfriend is cleaner than I am, thank god. I have cleaned up after prior roommates and it was not a joyous experience.

Gah..I guess I really should count my lucky stars because my guy does laundry, dishes, diaper changes, vaccuuming...you name it. We share the workload evenly and actually enjoy cleaning together. I know *GAG*. But I think leaving the mess to accumulate is a good idea. I mean...granted it will be aggravating for you, but if he realizes that things don't just magically clean themselves up maybe he'll get his but in gear. And don't forget to give him a little chuckle if he tries to rag on you for the mess.

Hmm well you've got to remember you (and his mother) probably contributed to this situation! At the beginning of your relationship you probably did everything coz you were so in love and wanted to make him happy and that set a pattern. You really are going to have to revert to actions he'll understand like only washing your clothes and cooking for yourself. I did this with my bf (of 5yrs) when I realised he'd started to think the domestic stuff was 'my domain' and now that he understands how much work goes into planning and cooking a roast etc and keeping a house in order he's the most wonderful person to live with!! Hope your situation sorts out too!

I think your best bet would be to only take care of yourself. Prepare meals for yourself and take care of your things. When he asks what's up tell him that he needs to help out as well and not take you for granted. He might not change overnight but if you keep reminding him every time he slips up I bet it will make a difference.

my boyfriend and i have been together for 7 and a half years and we have lived together for a year and a half. he grew up with the rule "one person cooks, the other cleans" which is great for me cause i usually cook. it's only fair. if he wants to cook a good dinner for you (an actual dinner, not mac and cheese with chopped up hot dogs in it) let him know you would be happy to clean up. but as long as you feed him, he's gotta clean. i've done the "only cook and clean for myself" thing with room mates and it has always bitten me in the ass. all my dishes end up dirty and then if i want to cook for myself, i had to do their dishes anyway. that was when i switched to paper plates. easy clean up and they can be recycled. not a good long term solution, but it does make a point.

Wow, he sounds like a complete jackass. I have to admit, I have the same problem with my fiance. I do all the cooking and the majority of the cleaning. I have to ask him specifically what I need him to do, like I'm his friggin mother. He will usually do it after I ask him though (unlike your guy). Stop making all the effort of cooking fancy dinners, he obviously doesn't appreciate it and you will just get more and more bitter about it if you continue. I am not sure what advice to give you, but I would say that you've probably contributed to his attitude by setting up a pattern of doing mostly everything for years. Yes, he is taking you for granted, but you have allowed him to do so. Stop allowing it, stick up for yourself and put him in his place once in a while. He will probably respect you more if you show respect for yourself. You are not his mother/maid/housekeeper. I would tell him things have to change, and then make sure you follow through on this and stop doing things for him. Tell him specifically what he needs to do, men are pretty simple, you really have to spell it out for them. Wow, I just realized I should follow my own advice! I guess sometimes it's easier said than done. But if this is making you really bitter, it's just going to cause problems in the relationship. Trust me, I should know!

When they ran out of sandwich meat and cheese, she left a note in between two pieces of bread.

Ha! I love it. That is priceless. On a similar vein - don't do his wash. When he has no clean clothes, he won't be happy. I don't recommend withholding sex, however, I can see how his being such an idiot would make you not very interested in having sex with him.

No but seriously, the fact that he laughed at you is very disturbing. It sounds like he is very disrespectful. I think you should try to go to counseling. You shouldn't be treated that way. It's on the path to being abusive.

I wish you luck. I'm sorry he is so disrepectful of you.

If your husband has a white-collar job and you iron his shirts for him, you could try this: stop ironing them, and if he asks you why, just say, "oh, i've been too busy around the house cooking, cleaning, etc., i just didn't have any time and now i'm too tired, so just iron them yourself". he won't have a choice but to do it himself, since he's gotta go to work! if he insists that you do it, just say, "OK, you do the dishes (take out the trash/clean the house/do the laundry) while I iron", and here's the important part: iron veeery slowly.

You can subsitute ironing with any other chore he HATES doing but that absolutely must be done, like cooking a good meal, doing the dishes, getting up early to prepare his lunch for work, etc.

Here is a trick that my aunt tried with her lazy husband: she started blotching his ironing (like ironing over creases, or using too high of a temperature setting), until he pointed it out, and she just said she couldn't do it any other way. So he started doing it. When he came home from work and started watching the TV, she would come and sit next to him. If he would ask "what's for dinner?", she'd be like, "I don't know what we have, let's go whip something up!" When he reminded her that he's working and she's at home with the kids, she reminded him that having two small kids IS a full-time job. you get the idea.

Don't let your men get too lazy, ladies, or you'll regret it. Just make sure you don't yell at them or beg them or threaten them or plead with them; do it in a clever way so that they think it was their idea in the first place.

Luckily I have a clean man who picks up after himself and does the dishes and cleans the house with me. He hates ironing, though

I am speaking from experience when I say it's important to have your man do some house work, after watching my mother suffer through more than 25 years of doing ALL the housework. My dad won't even pick up his socks or ANYTHING for that matter, all because my mom spoiled him and always did all the housework herself. Now she complains about it but sadly it's too late to change him.

Another interesting suggestion my sister gave me recently:
Only do housework when he is around to see you doing it. Couples counselors recommend this to newlyweds (particularly to the young wives). If you do it when he is not watching, he won't even notice that something is getting done around the house; he will literally think that the house is automatically this clean, that the rug doesn't get dirty, that his shirts come out of the washing machine ironed, etc.
If you have a habit of getting up earlier than him on the weekend and starting the housework, do something else instead: check your e-mail, go for a jog, read a book. Once he gets up and about, you can start the housework and gradually lure him into helping you with it. Even if you don't succeed with the latter, at least he will come to realise that housework is a lot of work that makes you tired!

sh*t leave everything around for a few days so he can really see all you do to keep the place clean. I mean I know that's a big step but crap! If you're busting your ass now and you have no kids.. just imagine!

Tell him you're going on strike and tell him he has to take care of himself. His laundry, food, etc. Just take care of you and stick to it. I would also cook myself fantastic dinners, including his favorite dinner. Then we'll see who's laughing.

I know exactly how you feel. Long story short, I've been with my boyfriend 5 years. We have been living together for over two. I am in school full time in a demanding course, working part time and only last week my sister was rushed to the Hospital, she is still in the hospital with a blood disorder and had an unexpected baby. The point I'm sure you're wondering is this, I asked my boyfriend to please help me out with the dishes as I was extremelly stressed and busy. Now I know he refuses to dishes EVER, under any circumstance, but I needed his help. He not only shrugged me off, he raised his voice, yelled at me to put the dishes in the sink myself. When I refused and yelled back for him to never to talk to me like that I again, he began cursing at me and so I left.

I came back later that night, he appologized, groceries where bought by him, he did everything but the dishes. Also, I did try asking nicely, I continue to mention that I don't like how he refuses to help out. Sure, he does some things, but the things he does do get done once a month or once every few months. I suffered from I can change him when we first met. NOw I'm going through can I accept him the way he is. The maddening part is he's not financially better off then me either, it will soon be the other way around. So I wish you luck, but things have not really changed all that much for me, no matter what tactics I've done. And I've done all of the above. I was nice, I was mean, I stopped doing things for him, I naGGED, I explained, I left him many times..... -conclusion- He is who he is. My advice, either get used to this treatment and attitude for the rest of your life, or leave him. The only person who can change him truly is himself. If he is lazy and stubborn and sees nothing wrong, like my man, whom I do love. He won't change. Good luck!

I hate to say this, but it sounds to me like he is tired of the marriage. I was living with my boyfriend and I loved playing the domestic role, but he stopped wanting to eat what I made, stopped picking up after himself, etc. We broke up shortly thereafter, and a year later he admitted that he felt like he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. So I think you two need a break from each other. You don't have to move out, but get more involved in your own life. Go out to dinner with your friends, take a class in the evening, start some projects. If you don't work get a job. Be busy and enjoy yourself and maybe he will miss your company and then have an incentive to treat you well. If not, you'll be on your way to a better life without him.

Why even ask? When I ask even nicely, he says if you don't like it leave. Instead of saying oh honey what can I do to make you happy? Just "get out" if you don't like it..
I try to make the most of everything. I work a full time job and run back and forth with the kids to school functions, sports, activities, homework, projects, etc. and still am expected to keep laundry caught up, clean and provide nice meals. I can't do it by myself, I am not superwoman. I always have thought if I was nice enough to my husband and kids and loved them enough, they would realize to give back. I feel as if they loved me enough and respected me enough, they would help out without being asked. What am I doing wrong?

We been together 4 & 1/2 years, married 3. Second marriage for both. No children together. I have one daughter by first marriage and he has 2 daughters, one by a brief marriage 12 years ago and the second by his ex-girlfriend. I feel like I have to be the happy, cheerful, make everything alright girl.
While he works a full time job and has pretty income, that's about all he contributes to the relationship. When not playing golf, he's sleeping or on the computer.
I am never first, when he gets a day off the first thing is what he wants to do - I might get some left over attention when he is done golfing with the guys. Priorities are way off.
So sounds like a gripe session and yes I must be completely stupid to put up with it. I believe in our marriage and have been completely devoted to him and always try to love him unconditionally. Why is what I am doing not good enough? What am I doing wrong? Besides not thinking more of myself to not allow it, what can I do?

Yeah, I don't dare complain. Guy stuff, like taking out the garbage, car maintenance, mowing. He doesn't do. When I ask "why" he says, "because I don't want to" I know a real winner here.
I am tired of being a doormat. Althought things have gotten some better, it's his lack of motivation and intense desire to be a smartass to me that really ticks me off. I am afraid I will eventually stop loving him. He has even said "he only married me because I started out kissing his a$$ and now I have changed. Who doesn't expect to be loved back. I never can complain about a bad day or ask for any compassion. Not even a backrub. I was sick last weekend, and we were moving and he pouted all weekend, because I felt so bad I stayed in bed all day one day. After I got up and made myself start putting things away and cleaning he started being halfway nice again.. What is wrong with me?
I know I am letting him do this to me. I am allowing it. Why is it when you give as much as I do, that the same or at least 10% can't be given back. ??? HELP

I would sit down with him and tell him how much this bothers you - that he won't help you clean. He laughed at you once before, so it sounds like he doesn't have a lot of respect for you. (Was he always that way?) If he doesn't want to help you around the house, boycott! Sounds stupid, but do your OWN laundry. Make youSELF dinner, etc., and see if he understands that.. If he gets upset, then it is another good time to say "Are you ready to talk about this again?" He more than likely will be willing to lend a hand to help around the house by that time - unless he is a REAL jerk.. Good luck!

I just thought of something. Do you work OUTSIDE of the home? Does he work outside the home? I always felt that if the man is working all day - that I SHOULD do the housework, etc. And, if I am the one who is gone working all day and he's at home, then HE should do the housekeeping. It's only fair. Anyway, you didn't mention if you have a job outside the home.... that would make a difference...

Get a big plastic bin, or several (one for each floor). When he leaves stuff around, put it in the bin. After a set period of time, hide or get rid of what's in the bin.

Hi
I am now 60 and in earlier years I was a bit of what you are discussing, one thing that gave me a fright and made me a bit more thoughtfull was one day my wife said in a loud and meaningfull voice "To F Off back to my mother and she could change my nappys". My wife never swore and was quite demure type of person, it change the way I thought of her, that she was a "person".
Hope this helps some way, when I look back now I am not a proud person and now trying to make up those wasted years.
Best luck.