Group Therapy: Boundaries

The fact that you are asking indicates that yes, a boundary has been crossed. Barring the fact that he's a man, he works for the same company that you do, and those aren't appropriate conversations to be having with a coworker.

Morever, you are doing this electronically. Most/many corporations monitor email and chat traffic coming on and off their network. You are NOT in the privacy of your own home!

I'm sure you are both an interesting diversion for each other, but I would keep the conversation to more appropriate topics.

Only if you look forward to talking to him more than your husband, your husband doesn't know about it, and/or you tell him things you don't tell your husband.

If you look at it from maybe a different point of view, you can answer your own question. Put your husband in your situation imagining the EXACT same thing going on with him and this other person having the EXACT same feelings............would you feel he was inappropriately interacting with that person? If you think it would be a problem if he were doing it, yes and stop immediately.

Don't do to others as you wouldn't want done to you. It's a good rule to live by.

"The fact that you are asking indicates that yes, a boundary has been crossed. "

Agreed...

Clearly this is inappropriate... if your husband was engaging in identical behaviour with a female co-worker, would you see this as being okay? I highly doubt it.

Definitely, yes. Like k8 and Kristin said, how would you feel if your husband was having the same communications with another woman? You probably wouldn't think it was okay.

definitely crossed a boundary. you should probably stop talking to him, it sounds like you're going to go even further with this guy pretty soon, as in either cyber or real sex. figure out why you feel you need to seek out a relationship outside of your marriage. try to go to couples counseling with your husband because obviously you are not satisfied with your marriage.

I was in a similar situation where I was talking via email to an old friend that I had ran into at my high school reunion that now lives in another state. I thought it would be harmless as well and our discussions were similar to the ones that you are having with your co-worker. He one day called my cell phone and my husband answered, so I was caught. My husband and I went to counseling and he forgave me for it. My counselor called it an "emotional affair" and that is what you are having. You need to end this relationship now!

Speaking from experience, yes... you're on your way to crossing the boundary. It isn't cyber sex, but it's creating sexual tension. I don't think you need to end the friendship/relationship, but you need to take steps to redefine it. I would refrain from further sex talk.

I dont think youve crossed any boundaries yet... sometimes its ok to have a friend that you can talk to outside of your relationship that you can share your personal life with. As long as you remain friends and dont go any further than this and make it clear that that is all you two are.

This may also mean that your relationship with your husband is missing something. You could try emailing him all day about this kind of stuff instead? I dont know, Im not married but that might be something different to try?

Probably.

How would you like it if your husband talks to another woman about sex? Judge from your own answer.

Doing anything you feel guilty enough about to pose the question: Have I crossed the line? - is in fact crossing the line. If it were just friendly banter, you wouldn't be concerned about it at all. Now, what do you do? I don't think you need to sit your husband down and have one of 'those' talks, but you need to stop engaging in intimate conversations with your co-worker immediately. I would just come out and tell him that you aren't comfortable with it any longer, and that you wish to keep it PG. Whether or not you go as far as to say work-appropriate only is up to you. I don't know your working situation; Some companies have strict policies against their work-at-home employees using company time to do anything personal at all. You would be breaking their trust in doing anything other than work during that time if that is the case. Others are more lenient and don't care as long as the work gets done.

Sounds like your cheating on your husband and you know it! What "happily married" woman starts communication with a "co-worker" that doesn't even work in the same city? What "happily married" woman then seeks out this "co-worker" on MySpace of all places? What "happily married" woman then starts talking about "sex and sexual matters" to this "co-worker"? If you are truly happily married and respect your husband you will end this affair and stop all communication, surely your marriage is worth more than this?!

if your husband was doing the same, would you think he crossed the line??
i think so.

I think the fact that you even asked this question indicates that at some level you recognize that a boundary has been crossed. I think that right now, the fact that both of you are involved with other people makes the situation more exciting & seem more safe. If you were single, and you were chatting on Instant Messenger with this guy about sex, would you simply think your relationship was a platonic friendship? Probably not.

I love the comment that "catherela" made, about doing a role reversal. I ALWAYS suggest this to friends who aren't sure if their boyfriend/girlfriend would find fault with their flirtatious behavior. Flip it around - would you like your significant other to be doing this behind your back?

Think of it this way, how would you feel if the situation was reversed and your hubby was talking to another woman in the same aspect and manner, would you like that? In my opinion, you have crossed the boundary line. Emotional cheating, in my personal opinion, is just as bad as physically cheating. If sex wasn't involved in the conversation, then maybe it would be okay, if your husband of course was okay with it as well, and if it was only for work related/friendly discussions. I think sex is a rather private thing to discuss with someone else, especially the fact that you are "married". I am married and personally would never do that to my husband, it is morally wrong. This is just my opinion though. I hope you realize this is "not" okay, and if you are going to continue talking to this man, you should drop the sexual discussions all together, and let your hubby know that you are, at least, speaking with the other man. Good luck!

A boundary there really has more to do with how you interpret your interactions, not how we do. If you think you're doing something inappropriate, then you have crossed a boundary. But if you think you're just having a conversation with a friend about sex, not with someone you're lusting after, then you haven't. But it sure looks like you're heading in that boundary-crossing direction if you're not there.

I have a dear friend that I can talk to about sex (a male friend) but as long as you're not lusting, or wishing you could be with him, etc. then you're not crossing the line. When you start questioning yourself, like you are now, you've crossed the line.

Absolutely--- you've crossed the line.

As noted in the post... this is a RECENT friendship w/ a co-worker which developed as a IM relationship.

This isn't the same dynamic as having a dear friendship w/ a person of the opposite sex w/ whom you happen to be able to talk about sex. This has quickly gone down a path that the poster knows is inappropriate.

Rather than asking us if you've crossed a boundary, present the evidence to your hubby and ask him what he thinks? His opinion is the only one that matters, not ours. If everyone here concludes it is fine, and no lines have been crossed, it won't matter if your hubby disagrees. The only person that can tell you what is considered cheating is the person that will be hurt by it. Everyone has their own definition of what crossing the line is. If you feel guilty or ashamed about discussing sex with this man, then you consider it cheating.

YES. If my boyfriend did that I would be beyond pissed. Huge fight to entail.

Yes. I used to have big fights with my boyfriend over the emails he'd have with his girlspacefriends, but then I realized he's just sociable. (after a lot of "talking" about it, lol.) howEVER, he'd never ever talk about sex. he'll let me look at his emails and they're just talking about boring things, like where the people they knew in high school are now. sex is way taboo. bring the subject back down to everyday things.

I think the answer is definitely yes. Also, people are often different online. Something tells me that if you actually met him face to face, you would do that. Instead of spending your time talking to him online, have a nice candlelit dinner with your man and talk to HIM.

whoa, typo. i meant that "something tells me if you met him face to face, you would have nothing to talk about"

Warning, Warning, Warning,

As a popular therapist once said "if you cant engage in the activity around your loved one, its cheating" in other words, if your husband was standing right there in your office would you type those words? probably not.....