Good Idea or Bad Idea: Having Kids Before Marriage

May 24, 2007

Hollywood has put the trend of having children before marriage on the radar. Seal and Heidi Klum and Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are just two couples that made it work and made it look easy.

Some couples feel that having family together is a stronger commitment to each other than marriage ever could be, but others desire the security of a wedding before taking the next step in their relationship. So what do you think? Is it a good idea or a bad idea to have kids before marriage? Do you think it sends a good or bad message to the children of parents who don't have a marriage certificate?

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54 Comments

2 years 32 weeks

" Marriage then baby = 2 secure individuals willing to work together to give child safe childhood and healthy adult life. Emotionally and financially stable household." Not really. I've had countless aunts and uncles and family friends divorce for financial reasons or whatever (cheating, found someone better, etc). "Baby then marriage = Confusion over which surname child takes and freedom for either person to leave and return to relationship as they please." I'm too impatient for that. I'm 26 going on 27, it was supposed to be that I grew up, got really hot and attractive looking, found a mate (supposedly who can't keep his eyes and hands of me that he wants to "steal" me away from other guys and have a family with me with my genes and have a happily ever after and make it "fate, but no it didn't work like that after 5 failed relationships!) My mom and dad on the other hand, who got married during the 70s, had and still has 'old fashioned' views. Bottom line, I'm sick and tired of tring to catch HIM with a net and only having him chew up eat the net and struggling himself free. Happend to my relationships with my girlfriends too but hey I don't want to feel like a negative person as that doesn't help but from experience I just feel like giving up but I don't want to I really don't. "You only fear marriage if you are not fully committed or willing to TRUST your partner for the right reasons. So therefore, if you're not committed enough to marry your partner, your relationship is not committed enough, no matter what you say to each other, and you will never be completely stable enough to bring a child up together. " I agree with that for sure! ....If there was a GUY willing to go the distance with me till "THE END" that people are always talking about minus the "romance of a fairytale" book. My cousins who are my age or yougner in the meantime are very happy with their little babies.....and their boyfriens? who knows , but if I ever get pregnant like them, there's always child support. There IS the advantage of having both incomes but that comes standard for the kid either way.

2 years 51 weeks

It really depends on what you believe marriage is. In my position, we are committed, but not legally married, a piece of paper doesn't mean commitment is present (such as many of the political marriages of the past, people were often not monogamous nor in love). We do plan on having children and not getting married legally, but those around us sure aren't happy about it. We like the idea of a wedding, its a beautiful tradition and a great way to let your friends and family know that you're committed to one another. But, we don't plan on having one -- I'm stubborn and I want to make a point.

3 years 11 weeks

Marriage then baby = 2 secure individuals willing to work together to give child safe childhood and healthy adult life. Emotionally and financially stable household. Baby then marriage = Confusion over which surname child takes and freedom for either person to leave and return to relationship as they please. You only fear marriage if you are not fully committed or willing to TRUST your partner for the right reasons. So therefore, if you're not committed enough to marry your partner, your relationship is not committed enough, no matter what you say to each other, and you will never be completely stable enough to bring a child up together.

3 years 11 weeks

Keep your pants on and wait. If you're pregnant/with kid on arm at wedding, you can't honestly say that you don't feel some regret that you didn't wait. Why then are you getting married once the deed is done if you feel marriage is not essential? Was it because when you were conceiving in the bedroom it was an after thought? Lead by example. The traditional old-fashioned way is there for a reason.

3 years 12 weeks

I can't believe these comments. Marriage is made to signify one of the highest levels of commitment to your other half which makes both of you whole and now in a contracted union for life. Over time many people have broken away from that contract and oath which has resulted in serious consequences especially where children are involved. That's when divorce comes into play. Marriage is NOT just a piece of paper. People and their inability to keep that promise mean that they have given up on their life contract. Those type of people should NEVER get married if you cannot stick around for better or for worse, through trial and tribulation and all the above. Then again some people look at all the wrong qualities in a person as a reason to get married. Some would say I'm marrying him/her because I love him/her. But you should not only love that person but that person has to have the same values in life as you do as well. That person has to be genuine and serious and you have to see it in every aspect of what he does as far as how serious he takes his occupation even when he doesn't like it. How he treat and respect people and and his family. As far as having kids without being married is a stupid idea. When you are not married you are not committed. You are not obligated to stay faithful and there's no contract to break. You can simply walk out whenever you feel like and however. People who do not get married have that mentality 85% of the time. There's no real reason to stick around because you are not bound by marriage. So when a baby comes into play it still may not mean much. Poor baby. He never asked to be born in such a mess. That is why marriage is made to secure a future between 2 individuals who will work their ass off to make it till the end and make sure their kids have one family. Without marriage there is nothing to fight for. So therefore the kids suffer. And for those who take marriage lightly even though it's a contract, maybe you should not get married if you know that from the time you get annoyed or something goes wrong you just head for the hills of divorce. Know what you want before you take the plunge. And if you don't get married that signifies that the door is WIDE open for you to bail at ANYTIME. When you say you're commited and even though you are playing a good commited role it still is not definite that you are forever. So therefore you aren't truly committed until you put a seal on it. That is why in order to be saved, you get baptised. That's why a job will wait a certain time period to see if u will stick around before they provide benefits. It is this way in many aspects of life and so therefore it is the same in a relationship.

3 years 12 weeks

Not that marriage means much to a lot of people nowadays but if they so choose to be screwed up individuals... then don't bring a child into the world so you can screw them up too. Go mentor a child somewhere or something people. I know a 27 year old girl who decided she might as well be the "baby momma" of a man she only just started dating because she broke it off with her fiance. Why ruin your life and an innocent baby's too? Go do some traveling... become cultured... whatever! Just don't have a baby "on purpose".

3 years 22 weeks

Personally I believe that unsupportive idea because before having children must focus on prerequired one. Two couple must carefully study each other. They must have stable income and ect must be considered.after the basic requirment one is ok ther is no problem to have a children.

3 years 34 weeks

If it doesn't matter to you people then why don't you just suck it up and do it? Don't make your kids think they are bastards or that daddy wanted to keep a ring of his finger so he could be sleeping around. How long does it take to go to city hall people?

calli gurl 4 years 40 weeks

i dont want my kid to be a bastard

melda 5 years 40 weeks

i dont like to

Realblonde 5 years 49 weeks

Why have kids at all? The world we live in today sucks, so why bring another life into it!

sass317 5 years 50 weeks

If you dont believe in marriage but you want kids- then whatever. I personally didnt want to have kids until I was married. I wanted the security. I know a lot of people who had kids before they got married and it was just never a place I wanted to be. I certainly dont think that just bc your having a baby together that means that you HAVE to get married- but I wouldnt want to have children with anyone other then the person I married- so I took all the precautions necessary to make sure that when I told my parents that they were going to be grandparents that it would be good news. I actually had a friend tease me for being "overly cautious"- when he got married he had a 9 month old.

demeter 5 years 51 weeks

Very bad idea. I will never have kids out of wedlock.

nessabum 5 years 51 weeks

as long as the guy is going to stay and raise the kid, it's fine. a child needs loving parents. to me, i think it would deepen a relationship, but ideally, after marriage. everything's just that much more stable.

californiagirlx7 5 years 51 weeks

I think you should wait until you're married to have kids, but that's just my opinion.

bibiruby82 5 years 51 weeks

Despite the misgivings I have towards this, I don't judge anyone who does that because these things happen. Sometimes for the good, and once again sometimes for the bad(in the case of my guy friend). It all depends, and it's the 21st century after all.

bibiruby82 5 years 51 weeks

For me personally it's a bad idea, unless I got married before the baby was born. However when it comes to the masses, it all depends. Sometimes it brings a couple closer together(it did just that for my cousin and his then girlfriend[now wife] when their eldest son was born nearly 10 years ago. They got married when their son was 4.) Sometimes it isn't, mainly because there are unfortunately some women out there who will have a baby for the sole purpose of tying a guy down before he's even ready for commitment. Especially when she knows he doesn't have to marry her if he isn't ready for marriage, he can instead pay child support and share custody of their baby. The latter has happened to my guy friend, whose wife is shady as hell(her former boyfriend broke up with her because she wanted a baby, he[the former boyfriend] wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility yet because both were in high school[I graduated with her ex boyfriend, she graduated the following year, dated my guy friend and eventually got knocked up and they were married before their kid was born. ]The last I heard, the marriage isn't doing so great, even after their 2nd child was born nearly 2 years ago.)

andaman 5 years 51 weeks

I'm sure there are more to be corrected sorry like i said i have just woken up and i'm typing really fast here.

andaman 5 years 51 weeks

was brangelina and waited not the above. i have just woken up.

andaman 5 years 51 weeks

searching for grace i meant people who get pregnant when one of the partner isn't divorce is yet from his partner to be with them. The famous case which i referred to is brangelina. I think they could have waitied to try for a baby. The word tart was for jolie.

junebrug 5 years 51 weeks

I don't consider children out of wedlock an option for me, I want to be married first, but I certainly DON'T judge anyone who feels differently, it is 2007, after all.

i heart monster 5 years 52 weeks

cravinsugar - I don't think you need to apologize for having a strong belief!

Daisy6264 5 years 52 weeks

I'd say it's a bad idea.

Marci 5 years 52 weeks

I dont' have a strong opinion on the marriage issue per se. My strongest opinion is on children having the best parents they can, and that doesn't necessarily mean they have to be married.

Casimira 5 years 52 weeks

My husband and I were not married before our first child was born. Once we found out we were pregnant, we made the conscious decision NOT to get married while pregnant because we figured if the unthinkable happened and we didn't stay together, we never wanted her to think we had only gotten married because of her. I believe that marriage is sacramental and NOT a piece of paper, so I didn't want to enter into it lightly. I will say from a practical standpoint it is SO much easier to be married when your children are born. There's a LOT more paperwork on the part of the mother that needs to be filled out and a lot of probing questions that get asked: Are you sure this man is the father? Can you sign an affadavit to that effect? What name would you like your child to have? Should the father be listed on the birth certificate? Etc etc. Plus, he wasn't allowed to go in the nursery without my prior approval so I was awakened a few times by nurses wanting to know if it was okay if "this man" went to visit our daughter in the nursery or come into my room, which I found annoying, whereas with our other two he just signed in and sailed right into our room.

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