Good Idea or Bad Idea: Abstaining from Sex Before your Wedding Day

Sex is a vital part of keeping a relationship healthy and happy. Why, when you have already decided to take the huge step of getting married, would you then restrict parts of your relationship? Seems at odds to me. I only agree with keeping apart the night before the wedding, and then only to heighten the excitement of the big day. Also--i don't believe anyone should get married without really knowing their partner, and that is vitally important when it comes to compatibility in the sack. I knew exactly what I was getting when I married my Hubby, and as the years go by it just gets better. :)

I think once you are married, that first time as husband and wife is going to be amazing. Besides, most brides and grooms are so tired after their wedding they pass out and never get to the deed until the next day.

I don't know if I could keep my hands off the guy I'm going to marry for any amount of time!

Sexual compatibility is crucial! What if you find out he's into furry stuffed animals or something! Not a good idea.

if all the two of you are about is sex, then you are in for a rocky marriage. if you or he can't handle not having sex for a while, i feel sorry for you. what about when you are preggers and just don't feel like it? i'm not saying abstain completely , but why not build up some excitement for the big day? and i've heard from more than one couple that the night of the wedding, you are too tired to do it anyway...

Why put so much pressure on the wedding night? If you abstain for weeks (heck months?!?!) before the big day, you're likely to be disappointed in the after wedding effects on your libido. No matter how amped up your sexbits are, few can manage to work up to mindblowing hot orgasms after likely 18+ hours of preperations, event management, the adreneline rush of the vows, the high stakes 'will it come off right' reception jitters, etc. I know my husband and I were hard pressed to make it to the hotel without falling asleep! We forced ourselves to do the whole jacuzzi bath sensual loving, but realized in the morning it would have been much nicer to just crash, wake up refreshed, and have a little good morning wifey nookie.

hahaha.. furry stuffed animals!! I agree with partysugar that I prolly won't be able to keep my hands off the guy I marry, but I could see myself abstaining in the month before the big day. Possibly.

i think you should at least know the goods that you're getting even if you abstain a few weeks/months before the wedding. this question reminds me of that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte doesn't sleep with Trey until right before the wedding and then finds out that he's impotent! AY NO! i don't think i could handle that one so i would HAVE to know before the wedding. ;)

bad idea: he'll be more tempted to have sex with a hooker/stripper at his bachelor party! lol. but seriously, i heard a guy say that the need for a man to have sex is like eating. he's not going to starve himself, so if olive garden (you) is closed, he'll go to taco bell (stripper). the sex will be special on your wedding night regardless, let's not stress the poor guy out anymore than he already is!

Many couples spend the last couple of nights or even a week apart, but MONTHS? No. I do agree with avoiding each other several days in advance though, when people are under that much stress and pressure, and that nervous, fights can break out over nothing. You could wind up with a broken engagement over eating the last potato chip.

We had pre- maritial sex before we married, but choose to wait weeks up till we married....It has enriched our marriage, we have been married going on 9 years now. It was a good thing we done!

If my boyfriend and I practice abstinence before our wedding, it will be stress induced, not deliberate.

why wait? in fact, sex needs to be discussed and experienced before the wedding day (performance and STD issues are involved, duh)...

We waited until our wedding night, and sexual compatibility was definitely not an issue for us. We scheduled our wedding for early in the afternoon to make sure that we weren't too tired (yes, we planned our wedding day with our wedding night in mind!)...we were home by 4:00 in the afternoon and everything worked out just fine. ;)

Wow! I can't believe how close the percentile is on this!

aren't we past thinking that we need to "save ourselves" for marriage. not saying casual sex is okay (i actually think it's gross) but the idea that the most special "gift" you can give a guy is first time sex is just stupid to me. i have 3 daughters and i certainly don't expect them to wait until marrriage to have sex. first off, i hope they will wait till they are past 30 to get married. i want then to get an education, travel, live independently before they settle down. we have more to offer than sex. i'm not a fan of waiting for waiting sake. if it works out; great. if not fine. marrisge is much, much more than sex, so making it a condition of marriage seemes equally absurd. great sex alone will not get you through 50 years. i would go as far as saying that if great sex is holding your marriage together you don't have much of a marriage. at the end of your life when you look back do you really imagine thinking "wow, good thing i held out so long for sex with my husband". i don't think so. there are big decisions out there (whether to get married, have children) but this isn't one of them.

Wow. So no abstinence people on this thread huh?

To each his own, but it wouldn't be my choice.

If you want to abstain your whole relationship- fine. It's your choice, but sexual compatibility and dealing with sexual issues is important. However, I do not understand why people would want to stop having sex in the weeks or months before their wedding. What's the point? I don't think sexual tension needs to be present in addition to all your other worries that day. And to tell the truth, I probably couldn't keep my hands to myself that long. Besides, you should already know that sex is not the number one priority in the relationship by then, and is only a part of a healthy relationship.

First off i want to say that i respect every ones opinion and I'm not here to judge. But... lickety split: i thought it was rude and disrespectful for you to say that waiting for marriage is "stupid". I'm not trying to convince you it isn't stupid at all, all I'm saying is be a little more tasteful with your choice of words.

the night before i can understand but i believe it would be a good stress reliever from the pre wedding preperations

i agree rosyposy. but then again, it gives a little oomph because of the pent-up sexual tension. let's just say i wouldn't give it for a few MONTHS.

it's up to everyone personally, in my opinion.

Sex for the first time is awkward and painful. I think I would have just ended up disappointed if I had waited. Now my boyfriend and I will have even more practice down so we can REALLY enjoy ourselves. hehe.

lickety split - i agree that thinking giving our virginity to guys is such a "gift" especially when the old way of thinking was that it was okay for guys to have sex before marriage because it gave them more practice for teaching us delicate ladies. whatever! if the guy is not going to wait, then i am not going to either. not condoning promiscuity/one-night stands/etc. sex should be for committed relationships b/c it really is a special sharing of two people and i think a lot of teenagers (and pre-teens, sadly) don't understand that anymore.

I said other b/c it's a personal choice.

I wouldn't want to suddenly stop having sex for a couple weeks or months leading up to my wedding! My man and I are very "active" in our sex lives and I think it plays a very important role in how we interact and relate to each other. Taking that out and replacing it with stress and tension in the time leading up to a wedding, I think, would be a dangerous situation.

Look. Historically and traditionally--the practice of coming into a marriage with the woman a virgin was only about the guy being sure that he was getting a disease free woman not pregnant with another man's child. If a woman had sex before marriage then, she was considered trash and "ruined". Women were chattel, a possession the husband OWNED. In the beginning of the last century (not too long ago!) when women were fighting for the right to vote, they didn't even have rights regarding their own children. If they left their husbands, they would possibly never see their children again. I understand people wanting to abstain, or come into a marriage a virgin, but at least analyze for yourself why you are doing it. Don't buy the old rhetoric and tradition line. In just the last 100 years women been finally able to stand their ground, defy the old patriarchal traditions and live life on their terms. The sexual revolution happened for a reason. Of course, no one ever reads my comments any way--so I'll be shocked if anyone reads this. It's why I rarely bother.

wow...the responses are actually kinda surprising....i was thinking of doing a post just like this, so i'm glad i got the feedback i was looking for...

a couple weeks...ok? more than that is like torture

pinup: LOL true true!

nicadema i read your comment! :) i totally agree with you. i think it women want to be abstinent for their own personal morals, that's totally fine. and if a woman wants to be sexually open, that's totally fine too. but it should be her own choice what she does and not what her old-school relatives tells her. i personally am 19 and am still a virgin and haven't done anything besides kissing a boy. personally i just don't want to go through the stress of having casual sex. sure, i've thought about it, but it just doesn't feel right for me. i'm not planning on being a virgin until i'm married - just until i find a guy who i have a serious relationship with and i will be comfortable with. to each her own!

I think its every1's personal choice... To each his own :)

I think it's a good idea to stay a virgin until your wedding night. I didn't and I regret it. But if you have had sex and are currently having sex with your fiancee, what's the point of stopping until the wedding? It will help you relieve a lot of wedding stress until the big day comes!

karla686, "rude and disrespectful" to who? you because you have a different point of view? the post asked for our individual opinions on the question. that means i was on topic and you were taking a personal swipe at me; making YOU rude and disrespectful.

It's a personal choice , but is there really a point to stopping for weeks or months leading up to the wedding when you've already been having sex? I can understand wanting to build some anticipation, but then there's the possibility that by doing that, when your finally get to it after the wedding, the expectations are too high since you're both tired.

I think its entirely up to the couple. I have friends that waited until marriage, I have a friend that waited until she was with the guy she knew she would marry and lost her virginity to him when she was 24. I dont regret not being a virgin when I got married. Its all about personal choice. My mom wanted me to move back to my parents house for a few weeks before the wedding, but I didnt see the point- trying to do that would have just made things more stressful- and we didnt abstain for any length of time before the wedding, and we did actually have sex on our wedding night and it was amazing and special bc it was our first time as husband and wife.

Sparklinseahorse--thank you for reading my comment LOL. You are right. You have to do what is best for you for your own reasons. I also agree that no one should have sex until they are ready. I didn't lose my virginity until I was almost 21. It was MY choice, to take that step when I felt truly ready and was with someone who loved me. So Bravo to you my dear, for doing what is right for you. Of course, I didn't get married until I was 32! Staying a virgin that long would have killed me!

lickety split: i know what the post asked for, you dont have to remind me, all im saying is that the word you picked was harsh. i didnt say having sex was stupid because i dont believe that and i have respect for others. i was not taking a personal swipe at you because if i were you'd notice, im just discussing the responce you posted. i was calling "it" (the word you said: stupid) rude and disrespectful, not you. you dont have the right to call me rude or disrespectful because you dont know me, so save those allegations for someone else

Hey Everyone, Make sure to stick to topic and not attack each other! thank you, team

Hmm, I know it is very common to have sex before marriage, and for the most part I agree. I am just curious, in all contexts of a relationship, does the ideal modern marriage/relationship ever include any vestiges of mystery, dignity, grace, etc? It seems like these days couples move in together before marriage, have sex before marriage, tell each other everything (i dont mean open communication, i mean verbal diarrhea). A lot of couples pee in front of each other, etc. Maybe this is a different thread, but I am just curious if, sex aside, you girls think any kind of restraint or "saving it" concept is still valid in a modern post-SATC relationship? Do tell!

Maintaining virginity until the wedding has its perks, at least to those who believe in your spouse being your first and only. If this is what you're waiting for, just wait. =) But if you're already sexually active and put it on hold for the pre-wedding weeks or months.... BAD IDEA. Like the whole circus of wedding-planning isn't stressful enough without you losing your best and favorite de-stressor!

I take a break for a month b4 the wedding... It's only 4 weeks... Plus he's not marrying me just for sex...and think of it this way... you don't open your christmas presents in july! you've gotta wait!

Hahhaa my boyfriend and I can't go more than 2 days without having sex so this would be impossible for us to do BUT I may consider it because if 2 days can go by and then we have mindblowing wildly amazing sex then I can only imagine what 2 weeks would be like and then BAM haha

I've known my fiance for 2 years, 1 month. Since date 4 we have been sexually active..very very often...almost everytime we see eachother. We talk about it constantly..we are both sexual people. BUT now I have made the decision to stop having sex until our wedding night which is in 6 weeks. I just feel like our relationship is just too physically dependant. I feel a lack of as strong a mental and spritual connection. HE DOES NOT AGREE at all! In fact it has created alot of grief for me. I am questioning his true feelings for me. If he can not love me without the sex then he does not really love me. All I want is to be certain without any doubt that we are truly authentically in love with eacother, and that we can have a trully joyfull and happy marriage, as long as we both shall live. I have faith, I believe God has given this test for a reason. I believe had we not had sex so early on in our relationship none of this would be an issue. I think everyone should abstain from sex as long as possible...first know without any doubt that you are both, mentally, spiritually, emotionally connected before you get physical. Good luck to you. God bless us all.

I know that I might be a little late on this post, I think its rather interesting that women don't want to stop at least 2-3 months before there wedding night. I am getting married in may and we have stopped all sexual activity, we are soulmates so when you know this you will know that there is more to life then sex. Yes it does play a big role in your relationship but again there is more then just sex. Honestly speaking it sound like a lot of ppl who posted there comments are not even engaged or soon to be married, if you were you would know that arguments dont' just come from "not having sex" there are alot of other things to worry about really. just my opinion.

I am actually three months in the abstinence game. I told my fiance 3 months ago after our break that I didn't want to have sex till marriage. It ghas been rough for him as he alwayys makes comments and sorta makes me feel guilty like I am doing something wrong. But for me its easy as pie...I guess because I am too busy taking care of our twins :)

I think that it is a wounderful idea to wait:)

hi all I just thought it would be good to introduce myself to everyone! Can't wait to start some good conversations! -Marshall Thanks again!

Long time lurker, thought I would say hello! I really dont post much but thanks for the good times I have here. Love this place..