Girlfriend Won't Have Sex With Me

Group Therapy: A Guy Wonders If He's His Girlfriend's Friend, Not Lover

April 23, 2011

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Well my girlfriend and I have been together just over two years now. We don't have sex anymore and when we did it was once a month and I think I have fallen out of love with her. I am 26 she is 32. She has always been rather uninterested in sex and romance for that matter. I am a very sexual person and want to explore that to the fullest extent. She won't even let me kiss her properly and when my hands travel, I get the "I'm not in a mood" talk. Well one day I just opened my eyes and maybe realized that I am just this friend that she loves! I am heartbroken because she says she doesn't want to leave me and that she loves me. I just don't know what to do now. I feel stuck and I cannot even stand to tell her I love her and I shamely cringe at her hugs. I need some quick advice. I just spend my days reading and dreaming about what others have and my so lonely life right now.

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21 Comments

2 years 3 weeks

You're young, you're not married to the woman. I think it's time to let it go. She seems to be manipulating you into staying by telling you she doesn't want you to leave and that she loves you. You can't even stand to hug her; I would say this is NOT fixable and that's not healthy for her either. Make a clean break and you can both move on to something that works better for each of you.

Burkina 2 years 4 weeks

You are no longer in love with her. Tell her that, and break up with her. To her face and as politely as possible.

lickety split 2 years 4 weeks

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. Sadly, you have to choose between sex and this woman. Whatever the reason (does it even matter) she's not ever going to be your lover. The good news is that you are young enough to find a partner to share your future with, who can be everything to you. The bad news is that this breakup will hurt. Choices; sometimes they suck.

searching soul 2 years 4 weeks

Excellent point Helen. I agree we are all doomed to breakup at some point if we are waiting for that non-existent person where there is 100% compatibility. Relationships take work, there is no getting around that.

searching soul 2 years 4 weeks

I'm with Joe. You need to sit and have a heart to heart. You need to tell her directly that if you two cannot come to a compromise on getting your emotional and sexual needs met-a middle ground, then it's the end of the road. The relationship can't only be on one persons terms. Obviously something about her attracted you to her and led you to fall in love with her, so the relationship has not been a total waste of time. Also, Anon 9 is right that perhaps something happened to her in her childhood that made her adverse to a very sexual relationship. Though, most long-term couples don't have sex everyday due to everyday stress and responsibilities. Most couples go through back and forth phases, from very frequent sex to less frequent and back again, depending on what's going on in their lives at the time. Once a month is too infrequent.It does not sound like it's just a libido issue. Maybe she has an on going depression that has not been diagnosed. If it's worth it to you, maybe go to a couples counselor that also specializes in sexual dysfunction. I've read about some of these issues, they can change if both people are committing to tackling these issues together. If she's not even open to compromising it's time to move on because relationships are about compromise. To me compromise even trumps compatibility. You can be as compatible as you want to be but if one person is dominating the tone of the whole thing, it's not going to work.

Helen Danger 2 years 4 weeks

This is a very common problem in long term relationships. Most guys who come to the same realization that the OP did, don't break up over it. They stay and are miserable. And they're too afraid of the woman's reaction to make absolute demands. They just grumble and get resentful. And that's when some of them start to feel justified in indulging in the sneaky, icky behavior we women hate so much, such as porn and affairs. It's easy to tell this guy to leave. Just like it's easy to tell a woman whose man won't wash dishes to leave. But there has to be a way to fix some of these relationships. There just has to. Otherwise we really are all doomed to breaking up at some point. Wouldn't it make more sense to try to figure out how to get the man to wash more dishes and get the woman to have more sex? Rather than just leave in the hopes that you'll somehow bump into this magical person who happens to do exactly what you want with no resistance? That seems entirely unrealistic to me.

2 years 4 weeks

Add my "voice" to thse who say that you and she are simply not compatible. I don't understand how we (guys) can be so gullible to get specially-close to (a) woman who sends out clear signals, in the beginning, that there will be only a modest sexual component (or none at all) in your relationship. Nonetheless,... don't waste any more time believing that "things" will change. They won't.... Good luck.

carolinaliar2011 2 years 4 weeks

you may just be your girlfriend's friend you're right. However something to seriously consider is whether she has been on any contraceptive pill or method since you have been together or even before. a very common side effect of many is low libido, depression and general low sex drive. This sounds minor and unlikely but may be exactly the cause of her inability to be intimate with you. I understand what everyone else is saying and i'm sure people change and their priorities and needs do chane but surely after such a long period of time toether, you must feel you want to rule all out before you make a decision to end your relationship? even if this isn't it, it's one more thing to rule out to ensure you are doing all for the relationship and can look back without regret. good luck. btw, the contraceptive side effects is from experience and once you get it sorted (if that is her problem) you will not need to worry about sex drive!

2 years 4 weeks

You sound like a good young man. You've been hanging in there, waiting for your girlfriend to change. I think you should move on to better things. You are too young to spend your life waiting on someone that only wants you around them, just for the company, so she won't be alone. When she finds another man, she'll probably leave you....so why wait on her....move on friend....move on to true happiness with someone else that can truly love you the way you need to be loved.

PontNeuf 2 years 4 weeks

Go. You're wasting your time.

2 years 4 weeks

Yeah this relationship is a total failure because you guys don't bone everyday. Maybe get some couple's therapy. Perhaps she was molested as a child? Who knows.

juicebox07 2 years 4 weeks

It sounds like you're not happy in the relationship anymore, so it's probably best that you two break up.

2 years 4 weeks

It sounds like you've already checked out of the relationship, so now all that's left is to tell her. Life is too short to feel lonely while you're in a relationship and the fact that she's always been like this means it would be a huge struggle for her to change. When with someone you see a future with you love them for who they are and it sounds like you two are just really not compatible. Break it off nicely now before you start resenting her.

bryseana 2 years 4 weeks

This sounds familiar.

PlumBlossom 2 years 4 weeks

If you can't imagine having the same life 5 years from now, it's better move on. You are young, and want to explore new things. Don't get stuck in a relationship that doesn't bring any more joy. You will regret for the time you are losing staying with a person that can't share the same things you want.

2 years 4 weeks

This one is easy. You're 26, you're not married, and you presumably don't have kids together or you'd have mentioned it. Not all relationships work out. This one hasn't. Your needs are clearly incompatible, and she's made it clear that this doesn't bother her. Find someone who's a better match.

atraditionalist 2 years 4 weeks

I usually agree with Helen Danger but I think that's asking too much of the OP to provide teh girl with "whatever she needs". We would not be saying the same thing if it was a man that didn't want to have sex. However I do agree with everyone on the talking to her part if you think you can repair it. If not the best thing to do is just break up-there's not much else left to that relationship if you just feel like a friend

Helen Danger 2 years 4 weeks

You said she's always been this way. You knew the sex would fall off a little after you'd been together for a while. It usually does, but only by a little. If the frequency was inadequate to begin with, how did you plan to improve things? Let her know in very stark terms that either you get more sex or you'll have to leave. Say you're telling her this out of respect. And that you want her to know she can trust you; you'd call an end to the relationship before you'd sneak off and have an affair or turn to porn instead of her. Prepare for her to be freaked out. And then be prepared to listen to her rant about all the stuff that's been getting in the way of her wanting sex. Really listen. Even when her objections don't make sense to you, take them seriously. Then do your best to help out with all her issues. Provide whatever she says she needs to want to have sex with you. After doing that for a while, if nothing improves, you can say you did your best and that you guys just weren't compatible.

JoeTyndall 2 years 4 weeks

OP, Neither of you are getting your emotional needs satisfied by the other person. But both of you are 'hopelessly' emotionally attached to each other. You have only two choices. (1) Both of you start satisfying each other's emotional needs or (2) stop being emotionally attached to each other (break up). If you think there is any chance of putting this back together, you need to sit down and talk with her, and see if there is any way the two of you can start satisfying each other's emotional needs. If not (and I think there is a very good chance you cannot), then you have no choice but to break up.

pax4pax 2 years 4 weeks

Leave.

zabrow 2 years 4 weeks

DTMFA.

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21 Comments

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