Found Email From Boyfriend's Ex-Girlfriend

Group Therapy: His Ex Still Has Feelings For Him

September 6, 2010

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for two years. We're young, but I know that I love him with all of my heart. We've had problems, small and big, but we were able to work through them all; well, I have, considering it was him doing all of the wrong. I will not go into detail of what has happened in the past because, well, it is the past. But let me first say that I do feel as if I have rights to do what I did due to the fact that every time that I do, I find something new, something disturbing.

I went on his e-mail and found a message from his ex-girlfriend on his facebook saying "I will always love you! Smiling ". Now I cannot see what was said on his end but I'm pretty sure I already know. We had issues with this girl in the beginning of our relationship and he's always bashed her to no end. I don't want to look like the stupid girlfriend where her boyfriend is telling someone in the past that he still loves her. Where would that leave me? In the dirt, that's how low I feel. I ask myself what I always do because the "other girl" has not ended the whole two years and I continue to talk to him about it and continue to be with me. I really love him. To no end. But I'm being disrespected, especially with his ex-girlfriend. I guess my question is, do I risk being known as nosy again and straight-up ask him about the matter. Or, do I either wait until I'm around him to "find it", or just keep it to myself?

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17 Comments

ArmagonAuthor 2 years

Food for thought... I think that it's clear that you don't trust him. If you did, why would you be snooping around in his emails? Whatever he did in the past is obviously affecting your trust levels towards him, whether you would like to admit it or not. I would sit him down and talk about your feelings, and try and help him see it from your point of view. While it wasn't fair for you to be going through his things, we all make mistakes. And it is understandable for you to be worried about what you saw, especially considering that he has a past of breaking your trust. Here's a thought: Try saying something along these lines. "I was going through your emails the other day, and I wanted you to know about because I feel guilty. But I saw this email from _______, and it made me feel _____________. I am not trying to accuse you of anything, but I think we should talk about this." This both puts you in an honest place by explaining what you did, and lets him know that you know about the email. By putting the ball in HIS court and giving him a chance to explain himself, he will be more likely to tell you what's going on without getting angry or defensive.

ArmagonAuthor 2 years

Food for thought... I think that it's clear that you don't trust him. If you did, why would you be snooping around in his emails? Whatever he did in the past is obviously affecting your trust levels towards him, whether you would like to admit it or not. I would sit him down and talk about your feelings, and try and help him see it from your point of view. While it wasn't fair for you to be going through his things, we all make mistakes. And it is understandable for you to be worried about what you saw, especially considering that he has a past of breaking your trust. Here's a thought:Try saying something along these lines. "I was going through your emails the other day, and I wanted you to know about because I feel guilty. But I saw this email from _______, and it made me feel _____________. I am not trying to accuse you of anything, but I think we should talk about this."This both puts you in an honest place by explaining what you did, and lets him know that you know about the email. By putting the ball in HIS court and giving him a chance to explain himself, he will be more likely to tell you what's going on without getting angry or defensive.

xristin 2 years

I think you have to ask him directly if there is still going on between her and him..i was in your situation before that this ex gf of my bf still doesnt want to stopp bugging his life eventhough she perfectly know that i already exist in his life..calling him and sending messages on his facebook everytime..she didnt know that my bf always showed me and telling me whenever she writes messages...shes crazy..and i dont think you will be in a safe place with this kind of situation..better you ask him directly before you know that theers something happening again between them.

2 years

I agree with alot of the comments that have been made here. I have been in your position, recently! And it's the worst feeling I have ever had. My bf bashed her but yet was still talking to her. I found out the same way, by snooping. What I did was confront him. That's the only thing that I decided on that I could do bc I couldn't ignore it. If you do it, he will get mad, but if he sees how upset you are and he cares about you then it won't matter that you went through his stuff (yes, very wrong). In his reaction, if he just gets mad and doens't respond with how upset it made you than he is ashamed of what he's hiding, which he could be hiding more and he really isn't that good of a guy. So if he has any reaction to you being upset then you should give him another chance. He got caught and he probably won't do it anymore knowing how bad he hurt you. If he's any kind of good guy, which sounds like he is it won't happen again. I confronted my bf and he came clean and told me he had still talked to his ex, but only because she was psycho and putting his family at risk. (Which I halfway believe) I only believe it because I check up on him all the time. (He changed all his passwords, but then I figured them all out again) It sucks but if you love someone that much and you've been hurt that much it's the only thing that will keep you sane. The deal I made with myself was that if I saw that he text/talked/called/answered/e-mail/messaged his ex that it would be the end. Now, he doesn't know or have any idea that I check on these things, but after some time goes by then I'll be able to trust him again. So far, I haven't found anything else to not trust him. Good luck..

2 years

Quit checking email that isn't your own and you won't be having these anxiety issues. Privacy is UBER important to me. If I were him, I'd be through with YOU for going through MY personal account.

bisou002 2 years

I agree with Anonymous, above. Staying in this relationship is making you look like a fool. Drop that dud.

vabeachbum 2 years

My husband is friends with/still talks to a few of his exes, but I know and am friends with all of them. I knew they were friends before we started dating and never felt there was a reason to not trust him. The fact that you felt the need to snoop tells me you had a gut feeling that something might be up. In past relationships whenever I had that feeling it turned out there was a reason... even if the guy denied it to my face. So, I say get out while you still can and move on!

dfserine 2 years

Why are you snooping? That is out of line because if you are going that far you don't trust him so what is the point of being with him. Snooping means you have that gut feeling. Listen to it and instead of continuing trying to find stuff on him...save yourself the heartbreak and break it off...no good bf would talk to his ex out of respect for his gf.

blooditsnotfunny 2 years

sorry to say it, but he's obviously been carrying on a relationship with her behind your back. could be that he's just talking to her on the internet, or could be more. you should break up with him.

2 years

I don't have a good feeling about this. You know the saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?" Well you need to appreciate the wisdom in that. You say you are young. That's good. You don't need to feel this way in a relationship. A healthy relationship makes you feel happy, good about yourself, and in love! You deserve to have all that and not be tied down at a young age to a sneak and liar.

totygoliguez 2 years

It is very hard for me to feel sorry for you. You're putting yourself in that situation. If you have to go through his stuff to see what's he is up to, the relationship is over. How can you have a healthy relationship with someone you don't trust? Just because you love someone doesn't mean that person is right for you. It is obvious he doesn't respect you,but by you allowing him to do this kind of things to you, you are showing him that you have no respect for yourself either.

postmodernsleaze 2 years

I agree with Betty Wayne. You don't want to go into the past, but it seems like it keeps coming back. A lot of your relationship sounds like it's standing on a pretty rocky foundation. I'd talk to him if I were you. Honest communication is the first step to building trust.

spacekatgal 2 years

I have to say, you may feel justified in your snooping - but I find your justifications quite flimsy. You feel justified because you found something? That's not solid logic. For the reason that you have no trust alone, I would break it off. I also want to say, I talk to exes sometimes on FB, and I'm married. There's nothing behind it - I liked them enough to date, and generally I like them enough to talk to occasionally. I do generally mention it to my husband though, so it's totally open.

spacekatgal 2 years

Bettye Wayne 2 years

You say you don't want to go into the past because it's the past, but if the past keeps repeating itself.... you've got a problem. Did you avoid telling what happened in the past because you're afraid we'll all tell you he's a loser and he's never going change? If I was in a relationship, and my ex kept telling me he loved me, I would cut ties with him. Or at least be honest with my s.o. about it. Sometimes it's okay to be friends with an ex if you're both mature and have an amicable break-up. But sending "I love you" messages is too much. If you really want the truth... you know his FB password. You could always be sneaky and message her pretending to be him. Though that could easily blow up in your face... I really don't know what to tell you. Confronting him might not go over well either... you could casually ask him if he's heard from her, and if he lies, bail. Do you know how he responded, by the way? Be careful with this situation, if you keep forgiving over and over again, you might really get hurt.

Bettye Wayne 2 years

You say you don't want to go into the past because it's the past, but if the past keeps repeating itself.... you've got a problem. Did you avoid telling what happened in the past because you're afraid we'll all tell you he's a loser and he's never going change?If I was in a relationship, and my ex kept telling me he loved me, I would cut ties with him. Or at least be honest with my s.o. about it.Sometimes it's okay to be friends with an ex if you're both mature and have an amicable break-up. But sending "I love you" messages is too much.If you really want the truth... you know his FB password. You could always be sneaky and message her pretending to be him. Though that could easily blow up in your face... I really don't know what to tell you. Confronting him might not go over well either... you could casually ask him if he's heard from her, and if he lies, bail. Do you know how he responded, by the way?Be careful with this situation, if you keep forgiving over and over again, you might really get hurt.

Skeptic52 2 years

You poor thing...my heart hearts for you because I've been in your position. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the dreaded ex. No one deserves to have to feel that way. You have the right to know what's going on. Plus, honestly, everyone knows he's going to lie if you ask and he's actually up to something. We've all been there....we all know he's going to say there's nothing going on either way. But, why is he talking to her at all? Clearly something's wrong. I love my husband with all my heart, so there's absolutely no reason he'd ever find me talking to an ex. So, why is this guy even bothering? You deserve someone who will care about YOU and only you. In your shoes (and I'm being totally honest here, even though I know some guy's going to comment that it's crazy girl crap), I would actually find out the truth...because you know you can't just ask and get an honest answer if there is something going on! We all know men better than that. I'm sure most cheating women do the same. I say, stop asking and find out for real. I was dumb enough when I was young to believe what guys said, only to be completely humiliated when he turned out to be cheating. I should have looked at the evidence and taken THAT as fact and bailed soooo many times, and it would have saved me so much time and heartache and humiliation.

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17 Comments