A Do or a Don't: Withholding Sex as Punishment

December 1, 2008

Sex is a powerful tool. It's an act that you have the right to exercise when you see fit. When you're in a relationship, though, sex becomes a special bond that connects you with your partner. Since relationships aren't always wine and roses, it's not uncommon for people to withhold sex as a form of punishment during an argument, but doesn't that create a power struggle in an otherwise healthy relationship? What do you all think: Is withholding sex as a form of punishment a do or a don't?

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60 Comments

3 years 22 weeks

Every guys understands that you don't want to when you are angry. What we don't understand is why you stay angry for so long and for no apparent reason. My ex when she got mad and she got mad over every thing. I never did any of the big bad things but she would with hold sex for up to 3 months

BadVlad 3 years 23 weeks

To the post # 49I am a guy and I think he doesn't have the guts to tell you the truth. Guys always like having sex and arguments have absolutely nooo effect on our sex drive. If I were you I would do little bit of self check. Let me give you a few hints: 1. Did you used to have a long hair and you chopped it off? 2. Have you gained wight? 3. Do you dress sexy for him? 4. Do you act like a gentle woman or like the "feminist b......'? I don;t know if you ladies know that, but guys are driven by what we see. And majority of guys like skinny long haired girls. Of course there are guys who are chubby chasers, or guys who love tattoos, short haired girls etc. But those are minorities.My point is, that you need to be that person you were the day when you met him. Because that was what turned him on and made him to approach you and talk to you. The same way you girls can't control which guy turns you on, we also can't control what turns us on in women. A guy has to be turned on by looking at you in order to have sex with you. If you changed your appearance it had usually negative impact on your attractiveness to him.There may also be a possibility that he is getting it somewhere else, but that I don;t know. And again if he would, the reason why he does so is because for some reason you stopped turning him on.

BadVlad 3 years 23 weeks

To the post # 49 I am a guy and I think he doesn't have the guts to tell you the truth. Guys always like having sex and arguments have absolutely nooo effect on our sex drive. If I were you I would do little bit of self check. Let me give you a few hints: 1. Did you used to have a long hair and you chopped it off? 2. Have you gained wight? 3. Do you dress sexy for him? 4. Do you act like a gentle woman or like the "feminist b......'? I don;t know if you ladies know that, but guys are driven by what we see. And majority of guys like skinny long haired girls. Of course there are guys who are chubby chasers, or guys who love tattoos, short haired girls etc. But those are minorities. My point is, that you need to be that person you were the day when you met him. Because that was what turned him on and made him to approach you and talk to you. The same way you girls can't control which guy turns you on, we also can't control what turns us on in women. A guy has to be turned on by looking at you in order to have sex with you. If you changed your appearance it had usually negative impact on your attractiveness to him. There may also be a possibility that he is getting it somewhere else, but that I don;t know. And again if he would, the reason why he does so is because for some reason you stopped turning him on.

3 years 23 weeks

I have been in a relationship where he withholds sex for the last year. He says it is not intentional but he needs time to reset after an argument, and by then a new infraction has occurred. The real thing about withholding that people on here don't understand is that it is a blind side when things are okay. It doesn't happen in the middle of an argument. It is when everything is supposedly OK, it is a lack of interest in really participating, and a refusal to initiate any sex, all the while saying he loves you and kissing you and cuddling but it is all anticlimactic. Sex is a bond between two people that brings them closer, and a withdraw of that level of intimacy is abusive and can damage the partner's self esteem. Really it is a passive aggressive form of control and extremely unhealthy. How much rejection should a person tolerate? And why would you want to treat the person you love in that way? I know for me sex is extremely important and I am willing to walk away because of it. I have argued with exes and never been denied sex!

BadVlad 3 years 23 weeks

To that post #44:I think you should have ended your marriage long time ago. Getting sex from your wife is part of the package you bargained for when you married her. And also, if you guys got married in church, I am sure she promised you to "give herself to you in good and in bad". So she has broken that promise. She is your roommate whose bills you get to pay.Get out of that marriage as soon as you can. The longer you stay, the longer alimony you will have to pay. Divorce laws in the USA are very unfair to men.

BadVlad 3 years 23 weeks

To that post #44: I think you should have ended your marriage long time ago. Getting sex from your wife is part of the package you bargained for when you married her. And also, if you guys got married in church, I am sure she promised you to "give herself to you in good and in bad". So she has broken that promise. She is your roommate whose bills you get to pay. Get out of that marriage as soon as you can. The longer you stay, the longer alimony you will have to pay. Divorce laws in the USA are very unfair to men.

BadVlad 3 years 23 weeks

The moment my GF uses sex as a bargaining chip I am out of that relationship. Sex does as good to you girls as it does to us guys, so it's really not a trade. You say, I gave you sex, so now you have to buy me a dinner. Guess what? I gave you sex too, so now you pay for your own dinner. And, may I add, during the time we had sex, I as the guy did most of the work. So who has the advantage here? Using sex as a bargain in relationship is really BAD idea and I do believe, that no man should tolerate that.Let me give you a bit of advice to married man. If your wife refuses to give you sex for any other reason than that she is sick, or on her period, you go, and get it on the Internet. In most cases the women there are hotter and younger and it's not considered cheating. If your wife gives you hard time about it, just politely tell her: Honey, why are you mad? You didn't want to have sex tonight and I wanted to have sex so I had to get it somewhere. You had the first say so or say no.

BadVlad 3 years 23 weeks

The moment my GF uses sex as a bargaining chip I am out of that relationship. Sex does as good to you girls as it does to us guys, so it's really not a trade. You say, I gave you sex, so now you have to buy me a dinner. Guess what? I gave you sex too, so now you pay for your own dinner. And, may I add, during the time we had sex, I as the guy did most of the work. So who has the advantage here? Using sex as a bargain in relationship is really BAD idea and I do believe, that no man should tolerate that. Let me give you a bit of advice to married man. If your wife refuses to give you sex for any other reason than that she is sick, or on her period, you go, and get it on the Internet. In most cases the women there are hotter and younger and it's not considered cheating. If your wife gives you hard time about it, just politely tell her: Honey, why are you mad? You didn't want to have sex tonight and I wanted to have sex so I had to get it somewhere. You had the first say so or say no.

Girl101 3 years 24 weeks

Withholding sex is just inviting him to go elsewhere. Even if I am mad or not in the mood, I would rather take care of that myself than to ever open that door. Usually, making love helps with whatever is bothering me anyway.

3 years 39 weeks

I've been on the receiving end of this. My wife, miffed because I failed to plan anything major for our first anniversary, said "never again." That was 15 years ago. I'm certain she expected me to bail or be unfaithful, but I would never grant her the satisfaction. I suppose that makes me equally stubborn, but I've stayed in this sexless marriage without cheating. I'm 35 years old now, still young and attractive enough to move on but my soul is so hollowed out by resentment that its too late. Easier to endure this prison of a marriage than move on.

3 years 47 weeks

My wife withholds sex unless i do certain tasks, like its a reward of some kind. To be honest i have given up and its has come to the point where i dont want it from her any more. I start to think about getting it somwhere else. I really do love her and she says she loves me but i am not a dog to be trained. After 18 years of marrage it seems like i am just there to help raise the kids.

Fallingfromtrees 4 years 5 weeks

I've tried once. Luckily for me (and him!) we usually forget about whatever we were arguing about by the time we get all of our clothes off. He knows how angry i can get, so when i start yelling he just kisses me and we take it from there. ;)

bransugar79 4 years 24 weeks

If you're in an adult relationship nothing you do should be seen as punishment. You're not your partners parent you are equals. If you aren't in the mood for sex because of unresolved issues it's one thing but to try to manipulate someone into doing what you want them to by withholding any form of affection or communication is wrong and just plain childish.

sparklestar 4 years 24 weeks

This is very childish. It also wouldn't work because he'd just go jerk it in the other room??

missangelique999 4 years 24 weeks

No-absolutely not. What a silly thing to do.

shannon_xo 4 years 24 weeks

I can't (and won't) have sex when im angry. It feels like I'm being dishonest.

Glittersniffer 4 years 24 weeks

Withholding the lovin' to punish him is to punish me too. Makeup nookie is AWESOME.However, I have been mad enough that the idea of sex is repugnant, so it's tough to say. But I wouldn't use punishing him as a reason to say no.

Glittersniffer 4 years 24 weeks

Withholding the lovin' to punish him is to punish me too. Makeup nookie is AWESOME. However, I have been mad enough that the idea of sex is repugnant, so it's tough to say. But I wouldn't use punishing him as a reason to say no.

Athena123987 4 years 24 weeks

I agree with the comments above, that saying you're "withholding" it makes it sound like it was a duty you had before. Withholding sex on purpose to frustrate a partner is a really bad idea, but for me, sex with my partner is an emotional act just as much as a physical one. If our emotional relationship is having a problem, I have to talk that out with him and resolve it before I can physically be interested in sex. My boyfriend is the same way; if he is upset, he's not interested.

jessie 4 years 24 weeks

my husband i agreed when we first got married that we would never withhold sex as a punishment. what does it solve? nothing i feel. it does nothing but make what ever you're arguing about escalate.

thelorax 4 years 24 weeks

I agree, Court.

thelorax 4 years 24 weeks

I agree, Court.

Court003 4 years 24 weeks

I think withholding as punishment is a don't...but if you're having an argument, that doesn't exactly put you in the mood for it either. So maybe it's being misconstrued by some as being punishment when it's not??