Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, someone who deals with depression gives advice to a woman who is mad at her friend for telling people in her circle that she is depressed. If you have a question, you can submit them here.
This week's question:
I shared my struggles with depression with my closest female friend and told her that I did not want anyone else to know about it. She decided that because I wasn't answering her calls she would call the wife of a leader in our church and ask her for my husband's cell phone number so she could call him, asking about me. My "best friend" told the woman that I was going through something serious and when the woman said, "At least she's not seeking outside help" my friend said, "Well, I don't know for sure if she is or isn't."
Why else would she call her and say those things unless her intentions were to let her know about my situation and to inform her I "might" be seeking outside help for my depression? I found out about this conversation from the leader's wife and she only admitted to it after she knew that I knew about it. She insists that she only had my good in mind.
The thing is, it was a really huge deal to me that these people not be in on it because I know that they would attack me for being depressed in the first place, and also if I sought help outside of the church. The last thing I needed at that time was some church discipline. I was really suffering! I am so mad at my best friend for saying anything; should I forgive her?
Signed,
Angry and Depressed
To hear what someone dealing with depression has to say, read more.
Dear Angry and Depressed,
There seem to be three related but separate issues here: one is your anger at your friend, the second is the question of how your church is handling this, and the third is how to actually manage your struggle with depression.
As someone who has been through a lot with both depression and anxiety, I empathize with your situation. Depression hurts. As for your friend, I think you need to assess who this friend is to you, and whether she reached out to others because she was simply worried and didn't know how to handle it. While the outcome might have been a problem, if she did it out of legitimate concern I think she may be a real friend who just handled things badly because she cares and was confused about what to do.
My major concern with what you have said is that your church community thinks there is something wrong with getting outside help. Admittedly, I am not religious and have never belonged to a church, but I strongly feel that a community of any kind that is truly concerned with one of their members' well-being will support them in what they need, and not be judgmental about what that support might be. I think it would be worth explaining to your friend that what she might have considered finding you support actually feels like discipline, and that she needs to be more sensitive to what you need.
Finally there is the question of your depression itself. I do not want to assume you are in a situation where professional help from a therapist or doctor would be appropriate, but severe depression is something you need to talk to a professional about. If you feel like you are not getting help from your friends, family, or church, you're taking care of yourself by asking for outside help. Doctors are legally required to respect your privacy, and you could ask if they would refer you to a therapist.
Far more people struggle with depression than we can imagine when we are sitting alone with our thoughts, and there is support out there for you. You may just have been going through a rough patch and not need anything further, but depression is too serious a condition not to explore your options. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't seem like you can't find the right person to help you right away, but there are also lots of great people out there who can help. As for your friend, tell her how her action made you feel, give her the benefit of the doubt, and seek some relief for your pain from professionals. Good luck!
My-Wardrobe.com
if she's a part of a church that does not condone/support/partake of/believe in modern medicine, then this may be a huge issue.
1i agree mamasita.
depression is a serious issue and I do believe that only the people who come in contact with you every single day should be aware of it. that doesn't mean your best friend should tell everyone. you have to take it upon yourself to. sometimes outside help is the best help.
2I have to agree with Mamasita. I grew up in a very conservative church, and the hatred and distrust of psychology was a very backwards view in my opinion. I'm saying this as a Christian, but there are many reasons to want to go to a licensed therapist versus someone in your church - the primary one being therapists are ethically prohibited from steering you in any certain direction. It's called self-determination, and it's the basis of ethical therapy.
I've also really struggled with depression. If I can offer my own point of view, there are two things that helped get me through it. The first was going to therapy to treat the underlining problem, which took years. The second was becoming a runner, which worked a lot better than any of the anti-depressants I tried. I really do feel that running is the best tool in my emotional toolbox for getting me through difficult times.
Hope it all works out for you!
3In regards to forgiving your friend, I think you should.
If she couldn't get in touch with you after your admission of depression, then she was probably just concerned for you. The topic is not so taboo these days, and we're taught that if someone may be depressed, then suicidal tendencies may not be far behind (rightly or wrongly assumed).
She probably just wanted to make sure you were okay.
4Although she might of had your best interest at heart, it was not her place to tell anyone about what you were experiencing without your consent.She should of talk to you first.
5I personally know the feeling when you say something heart felt in confidence to someone and they tell everyone and their uncle-its a horrible feeling because they don't leave time for you to cope with what your experiencing emotionally.
It's hard when a friend spills the beans on a personal affair,and they force prying or even caring people on you, all at once. It only worsen your depression because you feel self-conscious,different,afraid and embarrassed.
I had a different take on this.
(Disclaimer: I grew up in a very religious household, and I personally struggled with severe depression as well.)
You two women are friends, correct? So if she were truly concerned about your lack of telecommunication, she should know where you live and feel comfortable swinging by your home to check on you. Or, at the least, have an alternate form of communication with you (e-mail, snail mail, etc) that you can be reached by. But she didn't do that.
She took what I call the "Christian b*tch" way out--by calling a highly-placed female within your church under the guise of "needing guidance" and "praying for you". Y'all may not be aware of this, but this a classic church lady move. It's wrong to gossip, but God doesn't call it gossiping if you pull someone aside after Bible study with a look of concern on your face, asking for guidance about Friend X since you are 'just sooo worried that they're not getting the kind of prayer support they need'. Of course, the person pulled aside MUST ask for details (for prayer purposes) and bingo! Your business has now been spread. Rinse and repeat, and your phone will be ringing off the hook with "well-meaning" folks wanting to run your life for you.
She totally did that. She vaguely mentioned something about you "dealing with something serious" and somehow later in the convo the entire can of worms was opened, complete with discussion about how you may be handling it inappropriately (to them)? Honey, please. She called wanting that woman to drag the info out of her so that they could speak in judgment against you.
This should REALLY upset you. Be PISSED. But there is a silver lining--in every church, there are a few handfuls of truly Christian individuals who genuinely always have your best interests at heart. God is love, and these people personify it. Start trying to seek out these people to be in your new support network, and ditch the gossip-mongerers. Because when this depression rears its head again, you want friends who'll support you unconditionally and love you tremendously...much like God himself does.
Oh, and please get outside help. I think you'll find that it's the best thing you've ever done for yourself. Good luck, honey--you CAN pull through this!
6This is possibly the most spot-on anonymous comment in Tres Sugar history.
I totally
agree with this! And there's a lot of truth in what you call the "Christian B!tch" way out.
Bri
7I don't think your friend was trying to be malicious, but sometimes it can be extremely annoying when people tell other people things you may not want known. I do believe things like this can become good gossip, since most people truly don't understand how depression really is (I have suffered, I know). Some people find it amusing in a sad kind of way that someone can get that low. Christian or not, this woman just sounds like one of them. She may genuinely feel concern, but I also wouldn't put it past her to be slightly amused by the information.
What you need to do is make it perfectly clear what your boundaries are. Let her know that you are going through a hard time, and don't want this to become the amusement of others, and if she could kindly not speak of it again, it may be in everyone's best interest. I would also seek outside help, because truly, there is only so much a church can do -- and from my experiences and knowing others experiences in a church setting, sometimes they are not the best places to be in regards to psychological issues.
8I agree with hat anon comment. you have every right to be angry, you disclosed personal information with TRUST. she obviously does not see it as such and went to gossip with her church friends while you weren't there (i'm not part of a church but i know enough women who are to know they all the DO is gossip.) I'd be very offended that someone had shared that information. it didn't need to be shared, and i would call out someone who did this to me (it's happened to a certain extent. they blabbed about personal stuff and I had to pull them aside and say "Excuse me. i told you that in private because i meant it to be PRIVATE. you have NO RIGHT to go telling any other person about what i told you, and it makes me angry that you did. How can i trust you enough to tell you anything important if i think that all you'll do is turn around and blab?!" and it turns out she felt no shame because she wasn't as close a friend as i thought she was. You have every right to be angry, and I hope confronting her is something that you feel comfortable in doing, even if it makes her uncomfortable.
9I too have struggled with depression in the past and that's why I believe this could lead to two different scenarios with this situation. Your depression could be pushing you away from the friends you are closest to, including the woman that was concerned for your safety according to the entry. I remember only wanting to be locked up in my room away from everyone rather than face some of the people I loved being happy. Secondly, your friend and other negative people in your life could be contributing to your depression. If you have had trust issues with her or anyone else in the past maybe they are not helping your situation. When I eliminated some of these people from my life I improved a lot mentally! It's up to you to determine where this friend stands. Examine her actions in the past, but if this was the only circumstance that made you question her loyalty, then stick with her. Also, therapy works wonders when you find a psychologist your feel open and trusting towards. It takes WORK to get over those rough patches, but therapy can help you learn ways to cope with the tough times and get through them. Stay positive!
10I just want to say that while you have a right to be angry at your friend for violating your trust, depression is not something that you or anyone here/anywhere should be ashamed about. If you are in a community that doesn't condone outside treatment for depression (which is your choice or not to seek), I don't know if it is the best place for you to be right now. Depression is something that millions of people deal with, and it is a chemical imbalance, not the result of anything you have done wrong in your life. I don't want to get preachy...it is just something I had a really big problem with for a while.
11Thank you nursesarah for saying what needed to be said!!!! It's not just churches/religious institutions or any specific group that has given psychiatry and seeking help from a therapist the negative stigma it has. It's all of society. For some reason many people are brought up to feel that they should be ashamed if they are having problems and therefore hesitate to get help. It took me years and years before I was comfortable admitting that I needed to go to therapy. Once I did I realized that it was what I really needed all along and it has helped me immensely!
12First of all I cannot understand why anybody would be bothered that you might be getting outside help. They should support you to get whatever help you need and as much as you need. Spirituality can help definetly, but a church is for religion. Therapy is for mental health.
13As far as your friend goes I can't really say if she should be forgiven because I don't know her. She is your friend and you should know her well enough to judge her true intentions. If you don't or you think she just did it to gossip than she's not worth the title of "best friend" in my opinion. Just let her know what she did hurt you.
No matter what don't be afraid to do what works for you. I agree with whoever said running helps. Exercise is a big factor for me when it comes to feeling good physically and mentally. Best of luck!
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