DearSugar Needs Your Help: His Trash Talking Is Getting to Me

January 17, 2009

DearSugar and Irked Izzy need your help. Her ex-fiance is badmouthing her and it's recently hit too close to home. Should she let it go, or confront him and stir up all those emotions from her split?

Dear Sugar,

Last February, my fiance, who I had been with for six years, called off our wedding that was only four months away. I am eternally grateful that he did this because it turns out that he was very wrong for me, but he wasn't very nice about our breakup and he left me completely high and dry. He refused to pay my parents back for any of the deposits for the huge wedding they were throwing for us; however, I let bygones be bygones.

I recently met a friend of my new co-worker who, lo and behold, dates my ex. Before we put two and two together, she went on to tell me about him, that he was once engaged, and she proceeded to run her mouth about his ex: me. Everything she said was a total lie, obviously fed to her by him, and I was left mortified. While I know the truth about our relationship and breakup, it still angers me to no end that he's lying to people about it. What should I do? Talk to him? Tell this girl the truth? Just forget about him altogether? I'm at a loss. — Irked Izzy

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35 Comments

3 years

yes it has happened to me too - my ex slandered me and I had to leave my job, leave my home, my friends turned against me and stopped speaking to me, my own family did not support me. He slandered me to hurt me and cause me suffering. That was 12 years ago. I took the 'high road' as they say. Today and he is happy, successful, has an incredible circle of friends and support, wife and family and never did the same with anyone else ...they say karma is a bitch.... i'm still waiting.... I am still alone. All those who advised me to take the 'high road' have since then dissapeared... oh wait they havent; they are his friends now ! no wonder I dont see them anymore... Anybody who tells you to take the high road is simply victimising the victim - they are saying its your problem you are suffering and its your job to get over it. The one who caused the suffering in the first place is left untouched and scot free. I am going to go against everybody else here and give the advice that I never got and wish I had. Dont let anybody get away with hurting you in any way without hurting them back. PERIOD. Absolutely politically ethically and morally incorrect and absolute 100% pure fu*king truth. Now everyone can judge, insult, dismiss and stone me. source(s); personal life experience, not pop psychology bullsh*t

sparklestar 4 years

My ex did this to me with his family. I think a lot of ex's do this kind of thing to try and make themselves feel better about the decision. He is clearly very sad. :p

sparklestar 4 years

My ex did this to me with his family. I think a lot of ex's do this kind of thing to try and make themselves feel better about the decision.He is clearly very sad. :p

candace87 4 years

Well, the first thing that came to my mind after reading this was that this girl must know you're the ex. You don't know her well, and some people are very immature. If he wen't through the situation with her he probably said your name on more than one occasion. It is also VERY possible that he said more about you personally, like where you work. Not to be creepy but just during the conversation(s). Tell her you are said ex and see what she has to say. As for him, who cares. Don't tell her to 'tell him' anything for you. He's a loser and that's that, in my opinion.

candace87 4 years

Jude C 4 years

That's awful. I feel for you. With that being said, unfortunately I doubt there's much you can do. Any attempt to deny what he's saying is just going to look like you're being defensive and reflect poorly on you. I'd say let it go--your real friends will know the truth.

Jude C 4 years

That's awful. I feel for you.With that being said, unfortunately I doubt there's much you can do. Any attempt to deny what he's saying is just going to look like you're being defensive and reflect poorly on you. I'd say let it go--your real friends will know the truth.

popgoestheworld 4 years

I second jazzytummy. Every minute you waste thinking about him or going after him is a moment of anger that you could avoid by just letting go.

popgoestheworld 4 years

I second jazzytummy. Every minute you waste thinking about him or going after him is a moment of anger that you could avoid by just letting go.

facin8me 4 years

Regarding the "sue him" advice: I don't think you can sue him for the wedding deposits unless you had a written agreement beforehand that he was paying for half the wedding. There is nothing that makes him liable for the deposits that were paid by the parents. It would be a waste of time and money. You also wouldn't get far with any kind of defamation suit either. Could you imagine if people starting suing due to what their ex said? The court system would be paralyzed. I agree with bodhar: rise above. Don't engage in his childishness. If you email him or contact him about it, he'll know that he's getting to you and continue the behavior.

facin8me 4 years

Autumns_Elegy 4 years

I suggest telling the other girl the truth about yourself. After I broke up with my ex he slandered me and dragged my name through the mud all over Uni, it was very hard for me to talk with anyone who didn't already know me because everyone was expecting me to either try and sleep with them or crack and go psycho. It took me a while to show the people in my classes that I wasn't like that, but I got through, and so will you. I support the idea of suing for the wedding deposits, at least. that was your parents money and he should pay it back.

Autumns_Elegy 4 years

I suggest telling the other girl the truth about yourself.After I broke up with my ex he slandered me and dragged my name through the mud all over Uni, it was very hard for me to talk with anyone who didn't already know me because everyone was expecting me to either try and sleep with them or crack and go psycho. It took me a while to show the people in my classes that I wasn't like that, but I got through, and so will you.I support the idea of suing for the wedding deposits, at least. that was your parents money and he should pay it back.

lickety split 4 years

aww, nothing to add to the above. but i'm sorry you are going through this. he was an important part of your life (and you his) for a long time. he should have honored that.

vmruby 4 years

What a pathetic piece of crap.He's probably hoping it will get back to you through that friend of a friend and he's waiting for a reaction.Turn the tables on him,rise above it and don't add any more fuel to the fire.It will just keep on going and it's so not worth it.. And why should you have to clarify anything to his new girlfriend?It's none of her business. He's her problem now and it won't be long before he shows his true colors .Let him do his worst.The people who truly care about you know that the lies he's spreading are a load of BS and at the end of the day that's all that should really matter to you.

vmruby 4 years

queenlizzie 4 years

Wow, this must be so awkward. :/ I think you should put yourself into the shoes of the new girlfriend and ask, if you were her, would you want to know? I sure would. Also, if I were you, I'd want to be in control of the message that you're the ex-fiancee--if she finds out from the guy before you tell her, you could look shady and you won't have a chance to clear things up on your own terms. I would tell the new girlfriend that you want her to know that you're her new boyfriend's ex-fiancee, some of the things he told her weren't true, and you wanted her to hear it from you before she figured it out herself.

queenlizzie 4 years

Wow, this must be so awkward. :/I think you should put yourself into the shoes of the new girlfriend and ask, if you were her, would you want to know? I sure would. Also, if I were you, I'd want to be in control of the message that you're the ex-fiancee--if she finds out from the guy before you tell her, you could look shady and you won't have a chance to clear things up on your own terms.I would tell the new girlfriend that you want her to know that you're her new boyfriend's ex-fiancee, some of the things he told her weren't true, and you wanted her to hear it from you before she figured it out herself.

jazzytummy 4 years

Hey guys, you all say he is angry because he is not over the breakup, but HE is the one who called off the wedding, not the OP. The OP is the one who should be angry. While it is tempting to go after him, I would advise against it. Why? Because I think people spend too much time focusing on other people's negativity, and it infects like a virus. I know it sounds cliche, but seriously I think in the long term you would be happier just knowing that you are NOT the things he says you are, you are a good person, and he has to live with his own negativity. Let it go. Your happiness is the best medicine for the toxin that is your ex. Strive for that, and it will not be a mistake. Be grateful that you did not marry this jerk and have a child with him! His new girlfriend will eventually figure out what an asshole he is, don't worry. I wouldn't say anything specifically to her, unless she brings it up again, then I would gently say that you are the person he dated before her. That will be enough to shut her up, I think, but if it doesn't, tell her you are not interested in discussing him, that you have moved on. Good Luck.

jazzytummy 4 years

Hey guys, you all say he is angry because he is not over the breakup, but HE is the one who called off the wedding, not the OP. The OP is the one who should be angry.While it is tempting to go after him, I would advise against it. Why? Because I think people spend too much time focusing on other people's negativity, and it infects like a virus. I know it sounds cliche, but seriously I think in the long term you would be happier just knowing that you are NOT the things he says you are, you are a good person, and he has to live with his own negativity. Let it go.Your happiness is the best medicine for the toxin that is your ex. Strive for that, and it will not be a mistake. Be grateful that you did not marry this jerk and have a child with him!His new girlfriend will eventually figure out what an asshole he is, don't worry. I wouldn't say anything specifically to her, unless she brings it up again, then I would gently say that you are the person he dated before her. That will be enough to shut her up, I think, but if it doesn't, tell her you are not interested in discussing him, that you have moved on.Good Luck.

Hiding55 4 years

Take the high road and say nothing. I know you must be angry but keep your dignity and keep your mouth shut. My ex did this to me after I left him because he put his hands on me. He tried to complety ruin my name with everyone I know and even tried to get me fired. People who knew me knew he was crazy and nothing was true. Those who didn't know me said they knew nothing was true because I handled the situation with such grace and didn't fight back. I didn't feel the need to add to my ex's anger and feed the fire so to speak. I don't need to defend myself to people I don't know and niether do you. Ignore your ex, he is not over you or the break up and he is mad. Just go on with you life with your head held high and don't let on that his comments are bothering you. That's what he wants.

stumbler02 4 years

Bodhar gave the best advice. Take the high road, for your own sake. You'll only suffer if you get further into it.

Bodhar 4 years

It's kind of interesting that lately I've been seeing a lot of suggestions for suing! I swear, it would never occur to me. Here's my suggestion: rise above. Let your personality and actions speak for yourself. I would MAYBE. MAYBE try and set the story straight with the new co-worker, but to be honest, he's her boyfriend and therefore she's probably going to side with him, and if she knows now that the ranting was about you, she should really have the class to keep her distance from you and keep her mouth shut. What he's said about you only has the power to hurt you if you let it. It's only a big deal if you let it - which will likely result in drama kicking up old wounds all over again. Better to rise above and prove all his petty lies wrong.

Bodhar 4 years

It's kind of interesting that lately I've been seeing a lot of suggestions for suing! I swear, it would never occur to me.Here's my suggestion: rise above.Let your personality and actions speak for yourself. I would MAYBE. MAYBE try and set the story straight with the new co-worker, but to be honest, he's her boyfriend and therefore she's probably going to side with him, and if she knows now that the ranting was about you, she should really have the class to keep her distance from you and keep her mouth shut.What he's said about you only has the power to hurt you if you let it. It's only a big deal if you let it - which will likely result in drama kicking up old wounds all over again. Better to rise above and prove all his petty lies wrong.

GScott86 4 years

Well, like Fallen said, I'd sue him for the wedding issues. As for the bad-mouthing, I don't really know what you can really do much about that. You could probably bring it up in the civil case too as Myst said, as slander. Otherwise, as for the people who know you, if they really know you, they'll know it's a lie. Don't make it a mission to feel as you need to defend yourself. Frankly, in the end, he's the one who looks bad. It's like stepping in to a job interview and talking negatively about your previous jobs. In the end who really looks bad? He's just a negative person and people will see that. People who go around constantly bad-mouthing others shows that they have bad character. I wouldn't let him get away with anything else if he decides to wiggle his way back into your life in anyway way. I just feel sorry for his new girlfriend, if she were smart, she'll realize that if she's the next victim for a break up, she'll be the next target for slander.

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