DearSugar Needs Your Help

September 27, 2008

DearSugar and Level Headed Heather need your help. Her husband had an affair, got the other woman pregnant, and they are now trying to decide how to tell their 6-year-old daughter about her half-brother. Do you have any advice?

Dear Sugar,
I have a 6-year-old daughter and a 4-month-old son. My husband has been having an affair for several years and he came clean while I was pregnant with our youngest. He told me because the woman who he is having the affair with was also pregnant, due two months after me. I know this is crazy but I am coping with it. My husband and I are getting a divorce. He is still with the other woman. He wants to have a relationship with our two children and I want him to as well, for our children's sake — it's not the kids' fault this happened.

The problem is that he wants our children to know their other brother, but he doesn't know how to talk to our daughter about this. He and I are remaining civil toward each other and I want to help him talk to our kids, but I really don't have any clue how to broach this subject. Although he sounds like a horrible guy, he really is a good father. Please help and give me some suggestions so that I can help him explain this to our 6-year-old. — Level Headed Heather

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29 Comments

soybean589 4 years 33 weeks

I agree with MissJules5x. This is a support board, not an insult board.

MissJules5x 4 years 33 weeks

ummm lickety split i disagree with you. there are many men out there that are incapable of being faithful in a relationship and do stupid things when it comes to their relationships however they can be good fathers to their children. he did something stupid that will affect his children but what he did really doesn't undermine how he feels or treats his children and i think that if this woman is strong enough to leave him and try to make it work for her kids she sounds pretty strong and level headed so i don't think she's trying to make excuses for him at all. don't assume that because he messed up with his wife that he isn't a good father because that simply isn't true.

LoveSarah 4 years 33 weeks

Like others have said, I really think you should go to a children/family psychologist.

lickety split 4 years 33 weeks

wow. this guy has 2 woman willing to have his children and you think he's a good father. what does a bad father look like to you? this is psychologically damaging to your children to have a father that has been deceitful for YEARS. i can't imagine what you would tell your children because the truth is so sad. your kids are going to look at the situation as a choice daddy made; the new baby over them. in addition to getting therapy for the kids, get some for yourself. he's not a good dad, he's an asshole. someone needs to explain the difference to you.

lickety split 4 years 33 weeks

smck66 4 years 33 weeks

Hopefully all of you can lead happier lives now. Congratulations and kudos on taking this like a real woman. I think your kids will be fine, if the adults can all continue to maintain a calm and pragmatic demeanor about the whole thing.

StilettoSecrets 4 years 33 weeks

my 2 cents: having gone through something similar myself, tell your kids, even if they don't understand. Waiting until their older won't protect them and you're adding a heavy load to your own shoulders - you may think you're fine now, but anger stemming from betrayal can fester and creep into your life dragging you and those you love down with you. I do agree that speaking with a professional therapist is the right way to go, however if the advise you get doesn't feel right in your gut, get a second opinion - it's cheaper than therapy bills later!

jessie 4 years 33 weeks

first of all....nice to see that everyone is trying to be cival about it...not the man hating blog you know? second.....you deserve the best and sound advice for your family and none of us are qualified to help you......someone who has experience in this area will benefit you more.....good luck to you and your family

beautiful disaster 4 years 33 weeks

um candace.. nowhere does it say OLDER brother.. you probably just read it wrong.go see a therapist, it well efinetly be easier and they can give you a heads up as to what you might expect, lke questions, certain behaviour etc.good luck, and good job!

beautiful disaster 4 years 33 weeks

um candace.. nowhere does it say OLDER brother.. you probably just read it wrong. go see a therapist, it well efinetly be easier and they can give you a heads up as to what you might expect, lke questions, certain behaviour etc. good luck, and good job!

quitecontrary 4 years 33 weeks

Yes. Serious kudos to you. Take your strength all the way to a therapist's office so that you can maintain it! And bring your kids along. My best friend is a child psychologist and she said that the subject needs to be introduced slowly, best through play therapy. And I agree completely with mesayme- be superextra loving to yourself. You definitely deserve a hand. Good luck. We can't help you much here, but we can give you mega Sugar-Support!

austerity 4 years 33 weeks

In addition to everything other people have said (which I agree with), I want to commend you for your mature reaction to the whole situation. Your husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant...but you seem to be level-headed and thinking of the kids first, rather than turning this into a resentful, mud-slinging situation (which I'm sure you are sometimes tempted to do because of the hurt :( ) Hats off to you! *bows*

candace87 4 years 33 weeks

If she was due 2 months after you, how is his other child their older brother? This one doesn't make much sense to me.

sparklestar 4 years 33 weeks

For the record I also think you're handling this VERY well. I would have driven over to the other woman's house and ripped her face off by now, after castrating my husband.

sparklestar 4 years 33 weeks

For the record I also think you're handling this VERY well. I would have driven over to the other woman's house and ripped her face off by now, after castrating my husband.

sparklestar 4 years 33 weeks

Encourage the kids to all play together to get them accustomed to spending time with each other? I think that telling a 6 year old about his "other brother" that daddy had with another mummy would just confuse him right now. I think the whole situation may always confuse him and he may grow up resenting his father... I think enlisting the help of a child psychologist to facilitate this introduction would be a good idea. I had a friend who was pregnant with her child whilst the woman who her husband had cheated on her with was pregnant with hers. They both gave birth at the same time in the hospital and then found out about each other later. She now is FRIENDS with the woman and they both steer very clear away from the guy. The kids play together and it's a very bizarre "family 2.0" situation. How does the other woman feel? I mean, not that you'd care but if she is going to make this awkward then you'll need to factor this in too.

sparklestar 4 years 33 weeks

Encourage the kids to all play together to get them accustomed to spending time with each other? I think that telling a 6 year old about his "other brother" that daddy had with another mummy would just confuse him right now. I think the whole situation may always confuse him and he may grow up resenting his father...I think enlisting the help of a child psychologist to facilitate this introduction would be a good idea. I had a friend who was pregnant with her child whilst the woman who her husband had cheated on her with was pregnant with hers. They both gave birth at the same time in the hospital and then found out about each other later.She now is FRIENDS with the woman and they both steer very clear away from the guy. The kids play together and it's a very bizarre "family 2.0" situation.How does the other woman feel? I mean, not that you'd care but if she is going to make this awkward then you'll need to factor this in too.

Mesayme 4 years 33 weeks

*On a side note: if you want to give us his name and address I'm sure there are some 'Sugars who'd love to drop by and say hello... 8)

Mesayme 4 years 33 weeks

I agree with geebers and the others... professional consultation is the best way to go. I am sure there are details we aren't aware of and won't take into consideration. For now, what they need to know is that mom and dad aren't in love and it doesn't affect your love for them in anyway and try to keep their routine as normal as possible. YOU NEED to make sure you have some emotional support for yourself and NEVER feel too guilty to let someone help you with your children since he cast this burden on you while you were pregnant. Take care of yourself also!!!

RockAndRepublic 4 years 33 weeks

They're babies, what will they really understand? I think you're being a little too nice in helping him with something that, as i said, they're small and wont really understand. I think a counselor is the best way to go, but then i wonder what that person will recommend. Probably to put it off for years.

ilanac13 4 years 33 weeks

i've had 2 friends that had this situation happen to them, although they were the kids and their fathers had the affairs and got another woman preggo. i think that it's going to be hard to really explain this to your kids since they are young, and they might not really understand what it all means. i think that the fact that you're being civil to one another is going to help since if you don't outwardly show hatred, then they might be able to have some type of relationship with the half brother.

geebers 4 years 33 weeks

Yup I agree- I don't think any of us (unless one of us is a therapist and even then) is equipped to answer your question in the best possible way for your kids. You should really talk to someone about how to broach this with your children.

K is For Kait 4 years 33 weeks

A therapist should be involved. Also, your ex-husband should be the one explaining it to your daughter, not you. If he's uncomfortabe 'fessing up to his mistakes, that's his own problem. Thankfully, your daughter is still young enough that she probably won't understand the gravity of the situation and be torn apart by it.

tlsgirl 4 years 33 weeks

I'm with the others who think that this requires the help of a professional. It's beyond complicated, for you and your children, and an experienced counselor could offer much more help than could any of us.

ufshutterbabe 4 years 33 weeks

I second caryatid, this requires more help than a message board is qualified to offer. See if you can find a family therapist, preferable someone who specializes in dealing with kids around your daughter's age. It sounds like you'll be pretty well-equipped to help her through it, but I think your family would benefit from the guidance of a professional as you navigate these life changes.

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