Dear Poll: Would You Tell Your Friend If You Disliked Her Boyfriend?

October 5, 2007

Here is another scenario for you. Your best friend has been dating a man that you and all your friends despise. You've heard all kinds of nasty rumors about his past, that he's been cheating on your friend, etc. They have only been together for about six months and you've never let on that you didn't like him in hopes they wouldn't make it, but low and behold, you found out that he's planning on popping the question.

So now what? Do you trust your gut instincts about this man and tell your friend that you think she's making a mistake with this man, even though it could taint your friendship? Or do you stay mum, not get involved, and let her live her own life?

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60 Comments

melda 5 years

yes i did and she thought i am being jealous!! girls are idiot sometimes!

Jeng112 5 years

Jillybean...she won't listen to reason.... Big Red Flag if you have to hang up when your boyfriend enters the room. I think she is so hung up on the thought or getting married and having a baby that she really feels he can do NO wrong. I'm very independant, so he hates me. I don't drink, smoke, sleep around, go to clubs...I'm her most clean cut friend, but I'm the bad influence and crappy friend according to him. She's not allowed to see me anymore, which is ridiculous. She's willing to give up our friendship for this guy....that by the way...she was dating for WEEKS prior to her engagment. Ever notice that the word GAG is right in the middle of enGAGment. ugh!

lblack 5 years

I would say something, but not because I would want someone else to tell me. I am very outspoken and usually say what I mean.

Jillybeanz238 5 years

Jeng112 - i was in an emotionally abusive relationship on and off for many years; one of the things that abusers will often do is isolate the people they are abusing. has she seemed depressed or have you noticed a strange change in her behavior since she began dating him? if so, your friend should be careful.

Jeng112 5 years

My friend is dating a guy who made her take down all online accounts, change her cell phone over to his plan, and she can't speak with her friends if he is in the room. Worst of all they just got engaged.....I think he is setting her up to be controlling and abusive.

Jillybeanz238 5 years

While it's not your place to try to convince your friend that they need to dump their guy, being honest about what you have been hearing and what you have observed as his behavior is simply being a good friend. Chances are, she has probably sensed or heard and seen your concerns as well. Maybe she needs to hear it from someone else.

Jillybeanz238 5 years

darkbeauty 5 years

It depends on the friend. I wanted to say something to one of my friends, but as his ex-girlfriend also (yes, we stayed close) I felt it wasn't my place to say anything. And guess what? She cheated on him, treated him like crap, and now they're divorced after a year and a half. Now I feel like I should have said something... In general though, my rule is to say something if I'm close to them and as long as I haven't dated them (I tend to have a history of dating my male friends).

darkbeauty 5 years

It depends on the friend. I wanted to say something to one of my friends, but as his ex-girlfriend also (yes, we stayed close) I felt it wasn't my place to say anything. And guess what? She cheated on him, treated him like crap, and now they're divorced after a year and a half. Now I feel like I should have said something...In general though, my rule is to say something if I'm close to them and as long as I haven't dated them (I tend to have a history of dating my male friends).

onesong 5 years

i would tell if she asked, otherwise i would keep my mouth shut. i also would encourage you to say things like "well that's not right" when she tells you about behaviors that disturb you.

nolalove 5 years

If she were indeed my good friend, she definitely would have known how I felt already. And not necessarily because it was explicitly stated...

Sunshine in Seattle 5 years

You couldn't say anything this far after the fact. For 6-months you've known about how bad he is. At that point a friend has almost lost all credibility.

Martini Rossi 5 years

I would tell. I am a vocal person and that is something I would not be able to keep to myself for long.

vikingprin 5 years

I've always said something to my close friends when these relationships start looking serious. The key is HOW to say it. "I've heard/seen some things I don't like. I care about you and your happiness and I just wanted to make sure you make decisions with all the facts. I love and support you whatever you do." DO NOT sit and talk crap about her man, or tell her what to do. Just present the information as a neutral party, then drop it. Almost invariably they deny the new information at first, then come to you a week, a month, a year later and tell you that you were right. Another good phrase: "I hope/wish I was wrong about this, but your friendship is too important to me to take that risk." As a random aside, this is essentially the same conversation I had with my Dad when I noticed my Mom was starting to slip mentally as she got older. Again, the key point was that these are MY feelings/observations that I wanted to share to help YOU make a decision.

vikingprin 5 years

Soniabonya 5 years

I don't like two of the boyfriends my friends have. I think they both could do so much better than what they have and I have told them each so.Boyfriend One with old best friend: Immediately expected a 3some and told me so. He's derogatory, womanizing, disrespectful, egotistical and downright rude. He 'knows' everything and anything. He called me stupid with some other choice words right infront of my gf and she just giggled like it was funny instead of standing up for me. He broke her heart once and I was there holding her hand and thought she saw the light when she pointed put his faults, until 4 months later he weaseled his way back into her life and gave her a ring. When she called to tell me she was engaged the first words out of my mouth were "are you serious?"Boyfriend Two with close friend: I think he is an immature insensitive jerk. When I first met him, the first thing he said to me was: "When can I see your tits?" Great first encounter there huh? She has broken up with him several times and reunited with him and I have been there to tell her that she doesn't need a man in her life that treats her or her friends with disrespect. Last time I saw her, the damn jerk was shooting BB guns at his brother who decided to hide behind my car while I was giving a goodbye hug to my girl. Both girls have sworn up and down that their mans have changed for the better and they they're treated right and all that BS. I think they're too dazzeled by the rock on their fingers to see the creeps that they're dating.Both friends know my thoughts on their boys. I haven't seen my best friend since January and only because I made the effort to go see her.That friendship of 7 years is pretty much kapoot and I dunno if it was because of my opinions on her man or because of lack of effort on her side. My second gf I see on occasion but I don't like going over there because of the bf. I say be brave and tell your friend what you think of their boyfriends. You may lose a friendship, you may not even get through to them, or by some chance the fog their in clears and they do listen to you, but I say do it. Sometimes a girlfriend needs an outside opinion on her relationship even if they don't ask for it. And if you lose a friendship over a man that has a hold of a friend, then at least you could have said you tried.

Soniabonya 5 years

I don't like two of the boyfriends my friends have. I think they both could do so much better than what they have and I have told them each so. Boyfriend One with old best friend: Immediately expected a 3some and told me so. He's derogatory, womanizing, disrespectful, egotistical and downright rude. He 'knows' everything and anything. He called me stupid with some other choice words right infront of my gf and she just giggled like it was funny instead of standing up for me. He broke her heart once and I was there holding her hand and thought she saw the light when she pointed put his faults, until 4 months later he weaseled his way back into her life and gave her a ring. When she called to tell me she was engaged the first words out of my mouth were "are you serious?" Boyfriend Two with close friend: I think he is an immature insensitive jerk. When I first met him, the first thing he said to me was: "When can I see your tits?" Great first encounter there huh? She has broken up with him several times and reunited with him and I have been there to tell her that she doesn't need a man in her life that treats her or her friends with disrespect. Last time I saw her, the damn jerk was shooting BB guns at his brother who decided to hide behind my car while I was giving a goodbye hug to my girl. Both girls have sworn up and down that their mans have changed for the better and they they're treated right and all that BS. I think they're too dazzeled by the rock on their fingers to see the creeps that they're dating. Both friends know my thoughts on their boys. I haven't seen my best friend since January and only because I made the effort to go see her.That friendship of 7 years is pretty much kapoot and I dunno if it was because of my opinions on her man or because of lack of effort on her side. My second gf I see on occasion but I don't like going over there because of the bf. I say be brave and tell your friend what you think of their boyfriends. You may lose a friendship, you may not even get through to them, or by some chance the fog their in clears and they do listen to you, but I say do it. Sometimes a girlfriend needs an outside opinion on her relationship even if they don't ask for it. And if you lose a friendship over a man that has a hold of a friend, then at least you could have said you tried.

loki0717 5 years

I think your a bad friend if you don't speak up. If she can't take it then she's a bad friend. I'd want to know too.

Padraigin 5 years

I can't stand my friend's boyfriend, he's a self absorbed jackass who I think is very passive aggressive. While I won't tell her that I don't like him, when she tells me about things that he says and does, I use that time to let her know that I find such behavior unacceptable in a boyfriend. I will also ask questions about behaviors and state my opinion about the behaviors, not the man in general. For instance, we once went away and he didn't call her the entire time, not even to make sure she got there safely. The conversation went something like this: Me: Did Larry call? Peg: No. But I didn't expect him to. I didn't call him. Me: If I didn't call Joe to let him know I made it safely, I damned sure would expect him to call me. Peg: That's not how Larry is. Me: Well, you should expect and demand more from him, then. End of conversation. And that's how most conversations about the jerk go. And little by little, she's starting to see things about him. I don't attack him, I go after his behaviors and impersonalize them. She's still with him, but she's not nearly the doormat she was before.

Padraigin 5 years

I can't stand my friend's boyfriend, he's a self absorbed jackass who I think is very passive aggressive. While I won't tell her that I don't like him, when she tells me about things that he says and does, I use that time to let her know that I find such behavior unacceptable in a boyfriend. I will also ask questions about behaviors and state my opinion about the behaviors, not the man in general. For instance, we once went away and he didn't call her the entire time, not even to make sure she got there safely. The conversation went something like this:Me: Did Larry call?Peg: No. But I didn't expect him to. I didn't call him.Me: If I didn't call Joe to let him know I made it safely, I damned sure would expect him to call me.Peg: That's not how Larry is.Me: Well, you should expect and demand more from him, then.End of conversation. And that's how most conversations about the jerk go. And little by little, she's starting to see things about him. I don't attack him, I go after his behaviors and impersonalize them. She's still with him, but she's not nearly the doormat she was before.

lala788 5 years

i would not say anything unless i have hard core evidences that he did/doing something wrong.

gig 5 years

I voted other. I would never be bold enough to say to a friend that I disliked her boyfriend. However, when a friend is going through a rough patch with her boyfriend, I usually voice my opinion then. This way I don't become the East coast version of Lo from "The Hills";)

LittleLady12 5 years

I would say something, BUT I would only focus on why he is not good for her and how he treats her badly. I would never tell her that I don't like him, though. That's just poor form, it won't do anybody any good, and it would only offend her.

honeysugar28 5 years

I have made that mistake in the past and I almost lost my friend. The reality is, its up to everyone to choose their mate and friends really don't have a say about who you have feelings for. So the best thing is to try to be supportive of your friend and let her figure out for herself if he's a loser.

davisdavis 5 years

I'd talk to her about it, but I wouldn't present the rumors as fact, and I wouldn't bring my feelings about him into it.I'd address it as a "nasty rumor that I heard," and tell her that I was worried; "Why would someone say this about him? Does he have a vicious ex, or is someone angry at him that you know of?" I'd say that I wanted to give her a heads up so that she could talk to him and find out where these rumors could becoming from... and if it seems like she has some suspicions, suggest checking up on them only if she really doesn't trust him (check his phone).I'd stress that I was glad that she had found someone who made her happy, but that I was concerned by the rumors and wanted to let her know. And then I'd drop it.She may already know about his crappy past, he may have been honest! The current rumors could be totally baseless. If I lost a friend over it, too bad. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't try to protect her?

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