Can't we Keep the Past in the Past?

Can't we Keep the Past in the Past?


Dear Sugar--

I have been with a wonderful man whom I am engaged to be married to this month. We have both been married and have children from these marriages. During my break up with my ex husband and before meeting my now fiance, I experienced what it was like to be a single woman in the real world. I had sex with 2 men during this time, neither of which turned into relationships. Well, my fiance has found out about these men and is sick to his stomach wanting to know all the details about all of my past relationships.

I can't see how my past is the least bit relevant. I am sure I don't know everything about his past, although he says I do. In my mind, it doesn't matter what has happened in his past... we are now together and that's what matters to me. This can't be good for a relationship and he can not let it go; apparently he thought I should have sat around and did nothing I guess in between my relationships. I have had less than 10 sexual partners and I am 37 years old. I am confused... please tell me if this is normal. I love him so much and it kills me to think that my past is hurting him. --Ashamed Annie

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Dear Ashamed Annie--

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, what an exciting time for you! With that said, you're right, this tension can't be good for your relationship, so your fiancé is going to have to find a way to work through his insecurities about your past. What brought on a conversation about your past sexual partners so close to your wedding day? While your fiancé is hurt by your sexual past, you should not be ashamed of your actions.

You are right, what's important here is focusing on your life together as a couple. While you don't see the relevance, some men really struggle accepting the thought of another man being with the woman they love. It must be confusing to understand why these two men in particular are affecting him the way they are, especially since you have both been married to other people before, your fiancé's reaction is not abnormal.

Sit him down -- explain to him that what you did in the past, before you met him, is meant to be left in the past. Men are secretly very insecure so reassure him that he is the only man you care about, and the one you look forward to being with for the rest of your life. Rehashing previous relationships is just going to upset you both, so hopefully one final talk can squash this topic once and for all so you can get onto what's important -- your wedding and future together! Good luck to you Annie.

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