Boyfriend's Dad Has Cancer

Group Therapy: Boyfriend's Father Has Cancer

April 22, 2011

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Hi everyone,

I need some advice on how to best help him. We're both 24, so it's not really something expected. We've been together about two years, and are moving to another state in a few weeks for my boyfriend's job. Since he just found out about the diagnosis, we don't know how bad it is. If it hasn't spread, it will be a simple surgery and that's it, but if it's spread, that will obviously be a different matter.

Has anyone been through this? It's killing me to watch him, he's so worried and so down about it, and I don't know how to be there for him. The thing is, he told me he doesn't want to talk about it, but then he'll just say to me "I'm scared about my dad!" with these puppy dog eyes. I've just been telling him how sorry I am, to tell me if there's anything I can do to make this easier on him, and holding him. But frankly, it all just feels f*cking pathetic. He and his dad aren't very close, so I think he's going to experience some feelings of guilt at some point too, because he's expressed that to me once before. I should also mention that his parents are on the other side of the country from us, and the state we're moving to isn't going to be any closer.

Thanks in advance.

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8 Comments

blooditsnotfunny 2 years 2 weeks

Oftentimes, grief can be much more pronounced when the two have a distant or difficult relationship. His feelings of guilt and sadness are normal and expected. You sound like you're doing a good job. Acknowledge within yourself your own prejudices about the situation, and try to put those aside. Your feelings are normal. Focus on trying to make him feel better. Ask him what you can do to help. Your efforts will be paid back when you are in a similar situation and you reach out to him for help. It may help to find out what type of cancer it is and how advanced it is. Some types of cancer can be treated or cured fairly easily and have very low probability of leading to death. Hopefully your FIL has one of those. Good luck

karlotta 2 years 3 weeks

I went through this too; except my Dad had lung cancer, it spread, and he died. And this is when I realized my boyfriend (of 3 years at the time) was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with - he was spectacularly perfect, and I don't know how I would have survived this ordeal without him. So this is my advice : listen to him. Be on the lookout for his emotions, even if he doesn't express them. I really appreciated when Michael knew I was sad and would just take me in his arms, and I didn't have to say anything. Agree with him, support him; try to go with his flow. Accompany him if/when he gets angry: my boyfriend would start ranting along with me that it was unfair and horrible and we'd use a lot of expletives against cancer and it felt SO GOOD. Be the strong one; accept his mood swings and his sadness and his confusion, and be aware that if his dad dies, it will change him forever. Losing a parent is like a tidal wave; it takes a part of you away forever. Don't pity him. As others said, take him out sometimes to get him out of the funk, but don't force him. You don't want him to feel guilty that he's not as much "fun" as usual. Tell him you trust him to be strong and get through whatever life throws at him. Praise him for being so together and sturdy, but let him know you're there if sometimes he needs to take a breather on your shoulder. When Michael told me he thought I was handling everything with real strength and grace, it made me even stronger. And finally, help him talk about the issues with his dad. Even with an amazing relationship (like the one I had with my Dad), guilt about not having done enough will inevitably surge. Help him accept that life and love are not perfect and that he did his best. If he didn't, help him do his best now, support him going there, push him (a little) to be present and supportive with his parents. If the worst happens, he needs to be able to look at himself in the mirror at the end and know he did his best and acted like a man. Don't coddle him. If the prognosis is bad, don't give him false hope, just tell him how sorry you are and how unfair it is. There's nothing worse than a platitude "maybe he'll get through it", "miracles happen"... etc, when we know the shit's about to hit the fan. Keep it real. And finally - if it gets bad, get him to see a counselor or shrink. I went to one after the diagnosis until about a year after he died, and it made a world of difference to have a neutral place where I could go and bawl without shame. My boyfriend supported me through it all, but my shrink made me ready for his death. Thanks to these 2 men, I managed my grief without collapsing, and frankly, of four siblings, I'm the one who came out the least damaged, even though my Dad was my best friend. Good luck with the tough times ahead. I hope the diagnosis is hopeful and your FIL is okay. Nobody should ever have to die this way.

scubagurl7 2 years 3 weeks

I just went through something similar to this, except it was my dad that was diagnosed with cancer, thankfully in his case it did not spread and the surgery got rid of it but I will say the last two months were the hardest of my life. My boyfriend was really there for me by listening when I wanted to talk, but he also did a great job trying to get my mind off of it. He would take me out to dinner and funny movies. He would always constantly remind me to keep positive and not let my mind wander to the worst situations especially since we didn't know test results yet. So my best advice is listen when he needs to talk about it, but don't stop living and doing fun things because of it.

2 years 4 weeks

Yeah, in that kind of situation, everything you do always feels just f*cking pathetic. ESPECIALLY when you're dealing guys, who so often resist talking about it. As long as he knows you're there, you're doing all you can.

testadura67 2 years 4 weeks

In these situations there is literally nothing you can do to fix it. Everything is trite, but everything helps. Whether it's making him dinner so he doesn't have to think about that, or just sitting and letting him talk. Just be there. Stay aware of his state of mind and be available. That's all you can do.

GregS 2 years 4 weeks

I think you're doing what you can. Encourage him to build a strong relationship with his father. If the worst happens, he'll never forgive himself. If not, the rewards will be enormous.

onlysourcherry 2 years 4 weeks

When my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer (different than a parent, i know) my boyfriend's instinct was to get my mind off of things and not talk about it, even when i wanted to. That was not helpful and was really annoying. I would say just support his mood swings, let him talk about it when he wants to and forget about it when he wants that. Support his decisions to either visit or not visit, etc. Unless you develop a cure for cancer, there's not much you can really "do" except for what it sounds like you are already doing.

JoeTyndall 2 years 4 weeks

Keep having him talk about his mixed feelings. "On the one hand I feel ... but on the other hand I feel ..."

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