Bisexuality in Marriage

Group Therapy: Married to a Man, but Attracted to Women

September 28, 2010

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been happily married for a year, been with my husband for 3 years total. He's always known that I'm bisexual and it hasn't been an issue for years. I've been able to kind of ignore it so it's been a non-issue with him.

But for the last couple months all I can think about is women, and being with another woman. I'm worried that this is going to cause an issue between my husband and I, and worried about how long I can keep this from him. I feel horribly guilty because I feel like since I honestly love my husband I shouldn't have such strong feelings and urges. I just don't know what to do.

Do I tell him or try to struggle through with a secret that's eating away at me?

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13 Comments

Berlin 2 years

I think the most important issue here is that you speak openly to your husband. Bisexuality is a complicated and lonely way to live if you keep all of your feelings within (I myself am bisexual so I truly understand!). But just as if you were having an attraction to other men which would cause similar conflicting feelings and it's why so many couples have issues...they feel that just because they are having a struggle that they must keep it to themselves...BE OPEN!! If you can't talk to him without him judging you or getting angry, then that's a separate thing you should also work on. If he will be loving and understanding and talk with you about it, then you have an amazing person that you should share all of you with. We are all human and everyone has their own urges (as far as you know, he could have his own secret urges that he's hiding from you out of shame or embarrassment or just denial to himself. Look at fetishes after all...) Be open with each other and calm and in a 'no-judgement' conversation and you can open up a bond that will be stronger than you ever dreamed. When people think of cheating in the first place (or are just having an attraction to another person) and keep it inside, then it just causes tension and resentment and usually if you are able to speak about it, you will realize it isn't something you may actually want to do other than fantasize about it. But just talk to him about your feelings and let him in...

2 years

I've recently come to the conclution that I am bisexual. I've been attracted to women sexually as far back as I can remember (I absolutely LOVE breasts)... But, I recently fell in love with a woman--and I've been married for 18 years. Since we've been married for so long--and because I'm horrible at keeping secrets--I talked with him about it. Surprising this was, he suspected that I had bisexual tendencies for a long time, so it wasn't very shocking to him. I asked him if he would ever mind if I had sex with another woman and he said, "No. I don't find that threatening in any way, so I wouldn't consider it cheating." Well, the woman I fell in love with completely freaked on me (she thinks she's straight...that's a whole different can of worms), so I've had some sexual encounters with my best friend and am searching for a "friend with benefits". Go figure. Most queers don't understand bisexuality because they've never felt the attraction (physical or emotional) to someone of the opposite sex. Anyway. Those are my two (hundred) cents... ;-)

Jezebell 2 years

I am bi in a five-year relationship with a man. I feel the same way. I asked him if I slept with a girl would he consider it cheating? He said no, but I think it would bother him deep inside. He just wouldn't admit it, since it's hot to him. But I do think a 3-way is a good idea as long as you make clear boundaries on all fronts. Is it just sex? No strings attached? That kind of thing. Good luck. ;)

Venus1 2 years

Some couples can come to arrangement whereby having a girlfriend in this situation is not seen as a threat to the relationship as the needs are very different. This may not work for everyone though. If this happens it is important that your primary relationship remains just that and can be tough on emotions if not handled correctly but it is possible. As for comment 8 above, I suspect this is meant to be flippant but I would suggest you avoided this becoming entertainment for him. You are not alone with your feelings; good luck! x

danakscully64 2 years

What Vanonymous, tls, and spacekatgal said is exactly what I was going to say (although I couldn't have written it as wonderfully as they did). :)

2 years

Maybe your husband would like to watch you and another chick go at it?

lauraxtc 2 years

I know the feeling because I am bi and I sometimes want to be with woman although I love my bf there are times when I fantasize. Maybe you should do a 3 way. lol. jk. No but on the serious side, do you want to be with a woman or man for the rest of your life? If you chose a man then maybe you're just having urges. And that is ok. But if you chose a woman, then you really need to let your husband know what you are feeling. Hopefully you guys can work it out.

spacekatgal 2 years

And just to elaborate a little further. I am probably more physically attracted to women than men, but far more emotionally attracted to men than women. After a lot of experimentation, I came to the conclusion that long term relationships with women don't work for me, personally. I can appreciate the sex, but the male/female dynamics are really important for the sustainability of a marriage. Maybe this is some of what you're feeling. Bisexuality is very complicated.

spacekatgal 2 years

Haha. It wasn't me! I actually called Frank this morning to be like, "I don't want you to think I wrote this." ^_^ Look, I don't know what it's like to be totally straight - but I'm sure they struggle with attraction to other guys in the course of their marriage. And it's not like straight guys don't struggle with attraction to other women. So, to me, the bisexual aspect seems to not be a factor here because outside attraction is a constant for marriage. When I am feeling particularly attracted to women, I watch lesbian porn with my dude - which is fine with him. It works for me. But don't feel like you can cheat just because you're bisexual. Gods, enough people think bisexual = promiscuity.

tlsgirl 2 years

And what Vanonymous said too :)

tlsgirl 2 years

It sounds a bit more like there are issues in your marriage that are leaving you unfulfilled, period, rather than it being an issue with your bisexuality. I'd look at your relationship and see if there's anything missing - are you satisfied with your sex life? Are you missing companionship? Do you feel like you didn't take enough time to be single prior to settling down? If there's something that you can work out with the relationship you have now maybe you won't fantasize as much about something else.

Vanonymous 2 years

I'm no expert, but I think you should treat your urges to be with a woman the same as an urge to be with a man. You are married. You are committed to one person. Everyone has urges to be with other people, but you should not act on them... because it's unfaithful. Maybe you can go to couple's counseling? Maybe your husband would be into a three way (however that might open a whole new can of worms as far as problems go). Either way, I think you should look at this the same way as if you're husband told you he wanted to hook up with other women. You're in a committed relationship now.

2 years

Spacekatgal??

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13 Comments