Best Friend and Brother Are Dating

Group Therapy: Brother and Best Friend Want to Date

July 21, 2010

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My best friend and my brother are deciding to date. They have been talking on the phone nonstop lately and texting. It has been really bothering me. She didn't even ask my approval or anything. She's been distant and very different since all this has been happening. What should I do?

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29 Comments

sara1bara315 38 weeks 4 days

This happened to me a year ago and they are still together it is def one of the hardest things I've been through. I was friends with her for 14 years and I was very close with my brother. A month after my brother broke up with a girl he was with for 12 years my friend and him started dating behind my back after telling her he's off limits. Being friends for so long and being by her side all the time should have more respect. It's not about approval but the respect and thought for your friends feelings. It's so hard to lose someone in my family (brothers ex) and then this happen to me. I have no trust in them anymore. I can't share thing with them or vis versa It's just heartbreaking.

f0ilman 1 year 49 weeks

Penniey our situations are unbelievably similiar. Best friends for 6 years, i helped her though 3 failed long term relationships, and now after all this time they decide they like each other. I lived with her for almost all of that time, and only recently has she moved out due to the 3rd failed relationship (we were living with her bf at the time and she needed to get out). We were planning on moving back in together in a few months when my current lease expires, but i dont know whats going to happen now."I feel that my brother invaded my personal space that I shared with my best friend and my friend intruded my family ties. I have shared all my feelings and deepest desires with my best friend and so has she, but with my brother coming in the picture I wouldn't be able to share the things with her which I don't want my brother to know."This is exactly how i feel about it too. I feel like we are not being unreasonable here like alot of people are implying by saying that its none of our business or we really were a good friend/brother that we should just be happy for them. Well im not happy, i feel completely invaded. I understand the argument that you can't decide who you have feelings for but i mean, have you ever had feelings for someone you cant have? It sucks, but you get over it. Shes an attractive girl, she has a very easy time finding partners.ClareLeanne and idkidkidk i also understand how you feel. She has been constantly lying to me - maybe not on purpose, but one minute she says i mean too much to her to let this ruin our friendship, the next minute shes inviting him over and feeding me all sorts of crap. I saw her for the first time in a week yesterday and she told me that she'd never go out with him and she wants to be single and basically sleep around, but i feel like that is also a lie. What makes this even more awkward is that im currently living with my brother, and he knows how unhappy i am with the situation. I just avoid him. It's been so hard and i still am completely uncertain about what is going to happen.

f0ilman 1 year 49 weeks

Penniey our situations are unbelievably similiar. Best friends for 6 years, i helped her though 3 failed long term relationships, and now after all this time they decide they like each other. I lived with her for almost all of that time, and only recently has she moved out due to the 3rd failed relationship (we were living with her bf at the time and she needed to get out). We were planning on moving back in together in a few months when my current lease expires, but i dont know whats going to happen now. "I feel that my brother invaded my personal space that I shared with my best friend and my friend intruded my family ties. I have shared all my feelings and deepest desires with my best friend and so has she, but with my brother coming in the picture I wouldn't be able to share the things with her which I don't want my brother to know." This is exactly how i feel about it too. I feel like we are not being unreasonable here like alot of people are implying by saying that its none of our business or we really were a good friend/brother that we should just be happy for them. Well im not happy, i feel completely invaded. I understand the argument that you can't decide who you have feelings for but i mean, have you ever had feelings for someone you cant have? It sucks, but you get over it. Shes an attractive girl, she has a very easy time finding partners. ClareLeanne and idkidkidk i also understand how you feel. She has been constantly lying to me - maybe not on purpose, but one minute she says i mean too much to her to let this ruin our friendship, the next minute shes inviting him over and feeding me all sorts of crap. I saw her for the first time in a week yesterday and she told me that she'd never go out with him and she wants to be single and basically sleep around, but i feel like that is also a lie. What makes this even more awkward is that im currently living with my brother, and he knows how unhappy i am with the situation. I just avoid him. It's been so hard and i still am completely uncertain about what is going to happen.

chessy 1 year 50 weeks

that is happening to me right now.. but my so called friend used me to get to my brother..but be4 they like eachother she told me about all the guys she hook up and is still at her work with and she has a baby.. so yesterday i told my brother everything about her and he got mad at me. but my brother is cheating on her too.. but she is the type of girl to keep a guy will trap him and get pregnant. so i warn him... but now i am staying out of it.. but i wanna tell her just like your cheating on my brother he is cheating on u B*tch and if you were my friend you should of told me i would of told you about how he is.. but she didnt so i will never talk to her again

idkidkidk 2 years 1 week

I am going through the same exact thing. It is one of the worst thing ever! My best friend has been dating my brother on and off for about a year now. She lies to me about it constantly. She said she wouldn't do it if I wans't ok with it. Anyways they dated and he broke up with her for his own reasons. But she went crawling right back to him even after I told her how much I didn't like it. It makes me feel like she doesn't care about my feelings. I want to be happy for her, and I want her to be happy...I just can't!

idkidkidk 2 years 1 week

2 years 9 weeks

i think it's about respect, she didn't respect you enough to ask you whether or not you were ok with it. im going through the same thing. y'all do need to sit down and talk about it, to see where everyone's heads at. if she's acting funny, she's probably not a friend you want to keep around anyway.

2 years 13 weeks

This is happening to me right now :( it is horrible , I thought my best mate would have thought about it properly before she ruined our friendship, we were best mates for 3 years and it all gone now because she lies to me about so much :/ it's such an awkward situation and I really have alot of hate for her right now :( she did ask my opioion and I clearly said that i was not comfortable with it, and she told me she was going to say no, and said yes behind my back:/ and now we arnt friends and me and my brother don't talk :(

2 years 13 weeks

I am in a similar kind of situation where my best friend of six years recently started dating my brother. I have been with her through thick and thin and helped her cope with 3 break-ps in the past. I stood by her side in all adversities and now when I am disturbed with the relation between the two of them she has abandoned our friendship for a month's relationship with my brother. I shared a very good rapport with my brother too, but now the two of us hardly talk. Both of them are all the time busy with eachother and are just not concerned how I feel losing two very close relationships. I feel that my brother invaded my personal space that I shared with my best friend and my friend intruded my family ties. I have shared all my feelings and deepest desires with my best friend and so has she, but with my brother coming in the picture I wouldn't be able to share the things with her which I don't want my brother to know. I don't know if I'm able to express properly what I want to say, but aren't there things that are only between the best of friends? Since they started texting first I realized that my secrets that I shared with her were no more secrets. I lost all my trust in her and felt devasteted. In her previous relationships also she had broken my trust many times by lying to me about things but still I stood by her but this time the trauma of losing to close relationships and seeing that niether my friend nor my brother is concerned about losing me. I wish them all the best but my heart pains when I think that the people I trusted most are doing this to me.

2 years 16 weeks

I think that everyone saying that they dont have to seek your approval has never been in this situation. They can break up and move on, but best friends and brothers are permanent so you will have to deal with the consequences forever. If something involves you, they should at least make sure you're ok with it before dating behind your back. Its like inviting your boyfriend to move into the flat you share with your best friend without telling her first. I can never fully forgive my brother for doing that to me and if I were you I would tell them both very clearly how i felt before it gets worse. which it will, trust me.

JoeTyndall 2 years 43 weeks

<i>"The term approval is a bit harsh, but I do agree that you should talk to both of them."</i>--> I agree. I am reminded of a woman who posted here some time ago about how she hated her sister's finacee. We don't have the right to tell them we approve or disapprove, but we do have the right to let them that we will not be supportive when problems start (if that is how we feel).

JoeTyndall 2 years 43 weeks

"The term approval is a bit harsh, but I do agree that you should talk to both of them." --> I agree. I am reminded of a woman who posted here some time ago about how she hated her sister's finacee. We don't have the right to tell them we approve or disapprove, but we do have the right to let them that we will not be supportive when problems start (if that is how we feel).

2 years 43 weeks

The term approval is a bit harsh, but I do agree that you should talk to both of them. A fight between them could effect your relationship with either of them, especially if they try to put you in the middle of their fights (personal experience).

2 years 43 weeks

Man up. She doesn't have to ask you for approval. You're not her mother, and you're not your brother's mother either. I understand that it makes you uncomfortable, but it's silly to think that they should have asked you if it was okay; you don't own either of them. Now, if it bothers you, talk to them about it. She's your best friend, right? You should be able to talk to her. As for your brother, I guess that depends on your relationship with him.

kurniakasih 2 years 43 weeks

Talk to her without getting mad. Maybe they feel awkward because they don't know what you think about it. I agree with GlowingMoon, don't pretend you don't notice :) It's actually none of your business whom your brother and bff date, but yes, if they broke up, it can get messy, so you probably want to have a heart-to-heart chat with your bff just in case and when you guys are ready.This reminds me of HS. My best friend's brother asked me out and I said 'yes,' and we went out once, it turned out that she never thought highly of me and was just super cruel about the whole thing LOL.

kurniakasih 2 years 43 weeks

Talk to her without getting mad. Maybe they feel awkward because they don't know what you think about it. I agree with GlowingMoon, don't pretend you don't notice :) It's actually none of your business whom your brother and bff date, but yes, if they broke up, it can get messy, so you probably want to have a heart-to-heart chat with your bff just in case and when you guys are ready. This reminds me of HS. My best friend's brother asked me out and I said 'yes,' and we went out once, it turned out that she never thought highly of me and was just super cruel about the whole thing LOL.

GlowingMoon 2 years 43 weeks

Truthfully, I think it's okay to gently approach her and your brother about it. Don't pretend you don't notice, as that's being fake. As your best friend and brother, they have some obligation to admit (or deny) that there's something going on between them to you, in my opinion. You have a relationship with both of them, and if they have a budding romance, it would be somewhat part of your life, too. So I think you have a right to know. JMHO.

GlowingMoon 2 years 43 weeks

Truthfully, I think it's okay to gently approach her and your brother about it. Don't pretend you don't notice, as that's being fake.As your best friend and brother, they have some obligation to admit (or deny) that there's something going on between them to you, in my opinion. You have a relationship with both of them, and if they have a budding romance, it would be somewhat part of your life, too. So I think you have a right to know. JMHO.

RoaringSilence 2 years 43 weeks

What you should do? Be happy two people you're close to like each other that much. You have no right to decide over who your friends or your siblings date.

RoaringSilence 2 years 43 weeks

What you should do? Be happy two people you're close to like each other that much. You have no right to decide over who your friends or your siblings date.

postmodernsleaze 2 years 43 weeks

I would feel so awkward if this happened to me. There's so much relationship talk that two girlfriends couldn't go into if one of the boyfriends was a brother. Difficulty discussing a problem in the relationship/difficulty giving advice, no sex talk, etc. So, OP, I understand your feeling of strangeness. I would undoubtedly feel very awkward in a similar situation. But "approval" is a bad word to use. I think you should sit down with your friend and lend her your support for this relationship, however, also talk about some boundaries as far as your friendship and their relationship goes (like Joe already advised). I think you should have a similar talk with your brother.

brindey 2 years 43 weeks

How about you talk openly with her about it. This isn't about you- its about them. Get excited with her, be supportive. Be a friend. She is probably distancing herself because she feels your cloud of disapproval. I sure do.

brindey 2 years 43 weeks

2 years 43 weeks

if they are being distant, it means they don't want you butting in. so myob!!

hausfrau 2 years 43 weeks

I went through this and my best friend ended up dumping my brother in a really mean way, like just stopped calling. We're no longer friends and I don't think I can ever forgive her. So I would ask your best friend what her plan is if it's not working out. I wouldnt care if my ex bff wanted to break up with him, but she could have been respectful.

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