Bad Résumés
How Not to Score a Job
The job market is competitive, but the following statements should help put things into perspective. These have been lifted from actual résumés submitted to prospective employers. Last I heard, unintentional self-deprecation isn't the best strategy for getting hired. And as for proofreading, it's not yet overrated . . .
- Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
- It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
- Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
- Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
- Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
- Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
- I am a rabid typist.
- I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
- Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
- I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
- Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job
- Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
- Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
- Special skills: Thyping.
- Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
- Referees available upon request.
- Previous rank: Senior instigator.
