Bad Résumés

How Not to Score a Job


The job market is competitive, but the following statements should help put things into perspective. These have been lifted from actual résumés submitted to prospective employers. Last I heard, unintentional self-deprecation isn't the best strategy for getting hired. And as for proofreading, it's not yet overrated . . .

  • Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
  • It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
  • Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
  • Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
  • Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
  • Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
  • I am a rabid typist.
  • I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
  • Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
  • I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
  • Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job
  • Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
  • Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
  • Special skills: Thyping.
  • Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
  • Referees available upon request.
  • Previous rank: Senior instigator.

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