We've had so many sexual problems. I'm 24 and he's 29. We've been dating for close to four years now. He was my first sexual partner. We started having sex after about a year together, although it was very rare. We would sometimes have gaps of up to two months at a time. If I was getting laid once a month, it was a miracle enough — two was out of this world. We had lots of fights about that and he always claimed he was "paranoid" about getting me pregnant.
Earlier on in the relationship, he told me that this wasn't an issue with his long-distance ex, with whom he had been about a year. He told me they sometimes had sex twice a day. He also did many other hurtful things regarding her — i.e., it was very obvious he was not over her – and I suffered through the first 1.5 to 2 years of our relationship. Talk about a sex drive killer.
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During the "pregnancy paranoia" issue (which lasted until I got on the pill last year, even though we had always used condoms and spermicide), I would try to initiate sex and he would reject me. The next day, I'd ask again, and he'd angrily reject me again. Finally, I told him that I would never initiate sex again, as it made no sense for me to continually get the proverbial stomp. That's a partial lie — I have initiated some since, but sparingly.
In the last month, we've had one quickie. He recently started grad school, which eats up all of his time, and he works full-time. I work full-time, take care of all of our housework and errands, etc. And since I've started the pill, my desire has waned. I went from thinking about sex very often and feeling aroused at least once or twice a week to maybe finding myself spontaneously in the mood maybe once or twice a month. I don't fantasize about my boyfriend sexually.
Before he left for work this morning, he insisted we would be having sex tonight. I doubt it, as surely grad school will eat up all of his free time again. Part of me doesn't even care anymore and I hope I can find a way to avoid being intimate with him. He's awful in bed. He's not one for foreplay, and he's very selfish in bed. He just wants to get in, get out and get on with his life (TM) while leaving me cold. We've had so many talks that I'm blue in the face. I used to have some sex toys — like a vibrator — but this made him even lazier. He just wanted head all of the time and left me to take care of myself. I threw it out and I will never again buy another sex toy . . . and told him so. When we're having sex or oral, he's even given me the lie, "Finish me first, and then I'll finish you." The one or two times I was stupid enough to fall for this, of course I was left cold again while he laid back satisfied.
I'm about 50 pounds overweight, down from about 100 pounds overweight when he and I met and started dating . . . so the weight can't be an issue for his lack of interest in sex. I think mine's a combination of earlier frustration in the relationship/how terrible he is in bed/just not having desire from taking the pill. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to have sex with somebody else, until I realize: a.) I'm 50 pounds overweight, so it's unlikely I could meet a quality sex partner, as every guy I've ever been with has turned out to have issues with my weight (My ex even told me he was happy I was overweight because it made him feel more secure in the relationship . . . and free to treat me like crap I guess) and b.) That means actually taking my clothes off and being intimate with someone . . . ugh.
Is good sex even possible? My boyfriend, through his frequent rejections in the past, always tried to claim that he was just "getting old" and past his sexual prime. Uh . . . he's only in his late twenties here. I don't see myself marrying him, as that would likely mean a sexless marriage down the road. I would like to WANT to have sex, and it frustrates me that I no longer really have any desire. When he touches me or kisses me, I just want him to go away. I think it might be my way of trying to reclaim a sense of self-esteem and power in the relationship after being repeatedly sexually rejected.
Is there any hope for this?
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