Audition

You gotta love a show that brings a leather-clad punker, a feather-clad drag queen, and some boogie woogie bugle babes to the same stage to eff up the same song. Let's not forget the wannabe back-up dancers who think they can sing and, my personal fave, those who mumble nothing but "na, na, na, na" through the whole song. With talent of this caliber, who needs lyrics?

American Idol makes my job too easy. The season only started and has already served up a bountiful crop of fresh nut jobs and loony berries to give us a good laugh. I thought no one could top the rhyming serial killer, but alas— we meet Alexis Cohen. She gave the audition her best, fell short, got upset, and announced that she was gonna leave with her dignity. More or less.

Yummy Anderson Cooper is on the hunt for a celebrity to announce his program. The drug addled and slurrtastic Ozzy Osbourne stepped up to bat and here's his on-air audition. It would be nice if he knew the name of Anderson's show without hesitating, but I must say, I like the "Yeehaw Anderson!" bit. The Cooper in a cowboy hat? Now that's a nice visual.

Shows like "The X-Factor" and "American Idol" really bring to light just how many delusional people there are out there. I'm truly amazed by all of the talentless contestants who come out of the woodwork to showcase their lack of touch with reality. Take the following woman. Someone needs to tell her that a high-pitched drone in no way counts as high-quality singing. Excuse me now, while I go tend to this earache.

Now that a few new Britney songs have taken the internet by storm, we thought it only appropriate to flashback to the gal's golden years. You know, before she ditched her career in favor of taking the dysfunctional family route. So in this hilarious SNL clip, a couple of groupies audition to be Brit's back-up superstahs. They've got more than mere moves under their belts, they've got matching t-shirts and wobble power. They've also got a whole lotta nerve.

But she can't sing and the judges on "The X-Factor" had no problem telling her so. Ironically, this was after she finished butchering that Christina Aguilera song. You know, the song with the lyrics that plead, "Don't you bring me down today..." Whoops. So much for that request.

It's finally here, folks! The four-hour season premiere of American Idol begins this evening at 8/7c on Fox and you know what that means...get ready to indulge yourself with back-to-back servings of botched auditions, shattered dreams, and crushed egos. And we can only hope that the next big William Hung will be on tonight's menu. Mmm-Mmm. I don't know about you, but I'm starving!

Onkar Judge thinks he has that special X-Factor to be the next big Michael Jackson, and after putting his heart and soul (and knee caps) into auditioning...all Simon can say is, "What the hell was that?" And I wonder if I'll ever get my hearing back.