I don't know. I mean, I don't want to justify anyone's poor choices, but if it wasn't this woman, it would be another woman. A cheater is a cheater. This man clearly wants two wives. One that looks great in a photo on the mantle and one for unwinding and feeling fun. If this woman wants to stop being The Other Woman, she can. All it requires is blocking his phone number and moving on. But she hasn't done that. She likes the guy. And as long as like doesn't turn into love, and as long as she keeps her eye out for Mr. Deserves Her, then I say, whatever. She'll stop when she gets a good reason to do so.
I know it makes people mad to think that someone would condone cheating, but it's not her burden. It's really not. It's the husband's responsibility to feel guilty, to feel like sleaze. It's easy to lay blame on "The Other Woman", but... she ain't the one that's married.

how do you stop? you LEAVE.

Seriously, Mamacita.

I have almost no empathy for this kind of situation, destroying someone's marriage and acting like it's no big. Hold yourself to some fraking standards, for God's sakes. Grow some morals, get ashamed of your actions and LEAVE.

End of story.

I disagree. The excuse that it would be another woman is a horrible reason to justify this. It wouldn't be another woman if we all had enough respect for ourselves and other women not to sleep with their husbands. The man should care more for his wife than this other woman. Unfortunately he doesn't. It doesn't mean she has no responsibility in it. But I could say that until I die and it won't matter. It's wrong. It's hurting the other woman. She knows it. Her own happiness happens to be more important to her.
I do agree with dootsie that if she really wants to stop she can. Just delete and block his number. Make a choice to end it. When emotions are involved it isn't so easy I know. But that's really all you have to do.

Sorry I should say I was disagreeing with dootsie. When I posted she was the only one so far.

I wish people would stop being so sanctimonious. Yes it's a bad situation, but if you think it's ok to feel no compassion or empathy for anyone in the world who has ever been involved in an affair, then you probably despise a huge chunk of the world's population, not to mention a number of people from your own circle of friends, family and colleagues.

I agree with the wife's comments. You shouldn't settle for a shadow-life and a secret romance. You should be with someone who's proud to show you off in public and considerate enough to devote his time to you. You may think the problem is only in the long term if things get serious, but that's false. The problem is in the present. You have no answers from him today, nor will you tomorrow or the next day. Being in an affair is like Groundhog's day - it's living a state of limbo, for eternity.

Get out while you still can.

Good luck.

Whatever happened to accountability?? This is NOT only the husband's fault or responsibility. If you know the guy's married and you do it anyway...you're just as guilty as he is. And in answer to the question, you stop by just STOPPING. Delete his number, block it, whatever. You just stop.

Cordata I have empathy for people who make mistakes. I know a few people who have had affairs including someone super close to me. I also know the hurt it caused everyone including them and myself. One of the most hurtful things I've ever gone through. So, I get it's a part of being human in a sense. I also think it's a disgusting thing to do and I don't accept any excuses for it.

Some people enjoy the 'shadow of life' etc, being a mistress. I can't imagine why, but some actually revel in the drama and longing, a good friend of mine was the other woman until he dumped her (when she told him that she's pregnant). Then reality sets in, etc.

Honestly, as much as I feel sorry for my friend, but that's b/c she's my friend, in other cases, I don't agree with being the 'other woman.' If anything the guy is having his cake and eating it too, and it's just annoying for me how women go insane over a guy who's nothing special (hey, he puts in his pants the same way as any other guy).

Suggestion is simple: LEAVE HIM. You can be happy with other men who aren't married or attached. Unless you're happy being no. 2, I suggest to leave and have counseling on why your self-esteem is that 'low' to the point you're happy with scraps from the wifey. Don't you think you deserve the same benefits as a wifey has? Yes? Then leave and find a guy who will give you that and make you happy too.

Your not in a relationship your convenient. It's time to quit looking for justification and walk away. Have some morals, standards, and values for yourself. If he'll do this with you he'll do this to you. He's not any better a person than you.

You're addicted to him. He triggers a dopamine fiesta in your brain, and you like it. I think there's little chance you will leave him, as you crave a fix of him regularly. Apparently, you crave him more than you're committed to your moral values.

If you ever get to the point where you want to leave him, I think you would need the help of a therapist (as I think your situation is similar to re-hab). You need to break your addiction to him, and learn to live in a healthy way without him. Also, to try to get him to leave you alone, threaten to tell his wife. That would probably do the trick.

Oops, I omitted the quote.

"I feel too happy when I'm around him."

You're addicted to him. He triggers a dopamine fiesta in your brain, and you like it. I think there's little chance you will leave him, as you crave a fix of him regularly. Apparently, you crave him more than you're committed to your moral values. Smiling

If you ever get to the point where you want to leave him, I think you would need the help of a therapist (as I think your situation is similar to re-hab). You need to break your addiction to him, and learn to live in a healthy way without him. Also, to try to get him to leave you alone, threaten to tell his wife. That would probably do the trick. Smiling

"I have almost no empathy for this kind of situation, destroying someone's marriage and acting like it's no big. Hold yourself to some fraking standards, for God's sakes. Grow some morals, get ashamed of your actions and LEAVE."

-- I completely agree.

You must really hate yourself to be with this guy. He's TAKEN, find someone who isn't. You can have a fulfilling relationship without guilt.

I dont agree that someone in this situation must hate themselves.....Having been in this situation i will tell you that isnt the case.

I also agree that its like having an addiction, you want to stop but your body and mind just wont let you, your addicted to the sex, to the fantasy, to being sneaky, its a rush and a half.

Best thing to do? quit cold turkey and find someone who is available to make you feel that rush.

LEAVE!! I don't feel bad for you one bit, as someone who has had a relationship devastated by cheating.

You got yourself into this mess, and any hurt you experience you brought on yourself! You knew better from the start. If you were the woman he loved first, and married rightfully, how would you feel? There is no justification for the damage you are doing to this other woman, and to the man you say you care about.

Well, to answer your original question: How do I stop being the Other Woman?

You leave.

I don't really understand the concept of "I feel like I can't do anything about it" when it comes to emotions because I'm not like you. That being said, I'm with spacekatgal.

Yeah, people make mistakes...but hello? When you meet someone and you find out he's married, shouldn't a light turn on in your head that alerts you to end whatever is going on? Since you "know deep down this is so wrong?" Your words, not mine.

Mistresses are interesting... why would you ever want to be with a person who is proving to you the kind of person he is? He is a cheater. Always will be. Does this man have kids? If so, think how they would feel if they knew what was going on, or if your poor decisions caused their mommy and daddy to get a divorce. Seems like that's what you want. Think how you would feel if your dad did this.

Look at the poor way for you to behave, and what poor wishes you have. Is that what you want for yourself?

If you can't bring yourself to pick up your phone and break it off with him, at least start seeing a therapist.

does the wife know about you?? some people work great in poly relationships so perhaps we should'nt be so quick to condemn her. obviously if the wife doesn;t know and its still going on, then both the husband and this woman are at major fault and behaving shadily. but what if the wife were ok with it?? what if shes going out of town to spend time with another guy too ...... i dont like people who lie or cheat but simply having sex/relationship with another person doesn;t automatically mean that cheating is happening if that is what everyone involved is ok with and i think we should all be a bit less high and mighty in condemning that

Just remember what goes around comes around.

i agree with the mention above that you should go to a therapist. i would hope some professional advice would help you untangle your feelings and figure out what you want to do about the situation.

There's a little switch in my head that goes off when i realize someone I might like is already taken, it's as if they are completely off limits to me, even if I don't know the girlfriend. For this reason I will never understand why women continue to break apart relationships when they have full knowledge the man is taken. Yes, the husband is responsible for the majority of this, but we're analyzing the "other woman" here and I think this is deplorable. Leave him for your own mental health because apparently you never cared about his wife's feelings in the first place.

You leave. You stop ruining another woman's life. It's that simple. I have no flippin' sympathy or respect for homewrecking.

Wow, people can be really self-righteous. "Let those who are without sin cast the first stone."

He texts you before he goes to sleep, big deal; he goes to sleep with his wife!
Would you like to have him as your husband? You already know for sure that he cheats.
He has you to give him a little thrill, and you have nothing.

There are too many variables to determine what is right or wrong in this situation. Many of you are being quite harsh and obviously have only experienced the cheated on side. For example, Does the wife know? Does she have a side relationship as well? Is there an agreement about side relationships? Are there children involved? Many times a couple will hesitate on divorce because children are involved. Not to mention, if they are apart of a highly respectable community, a divorce may not look good for them. It doesn't directly state there is any sexual contact. She is in love with a married man. How do you tell your heart to fall out of love??? Just because it's wrong doesn't mean you can stop easily. It's like an abused wife she's in love and hopes for change. Also,from reading, it also looks like a good friendship. Maybe he wishes he had met her because she is truly what he wanted, but he may also just want a friend or companion for when the wife is away. I have MANY more guy friends than girl friends. Not because I'm a wh0re, but because I can trust guys more and they are way more fun than girls sometimes.

But if there is sexual interactions, she should attempt to realize why this will never work. SORRY FOR TYPING A BOOK!

Thanks, Biarose.
Most of the rest of you pretend to all be so damn perfect, equipped with little switches to turn emotions on and off and the will-power to walk away at any time. (I realize there were others with more balanced opinions but Biarose was the most outspoken and the most recent).
Well, here is news for you, we aren't all so perfect. I feel deeply for the woman who wrote the letter and can't condemn her. Likely she will eventually get sick of the situation and leave by herself. Meanwhile, let's throw a few more rocks.

Oh please, people. Some of these comments are a really great example of how the human mind can justify incredibly selfish behavior. Some things are a matter of right and wrong, and there's not much room for grey. This is simply a matter of the standards you hold yourself to. Are you accountable for your actions?

It sounds like some people here would have no problem being the other woman in an affair. That is both shocking to me and sad.

Just because someone points out the fact that it's wrong to be "the other woman" and there is no justification to it doesn't mean he/she thinks all humans are perfect.

I personally would be disgusted with myself if I was ever "the other woman", but I still don't feel that it's my place to harshly judge someone who does get themselves into that situation.

Please. It's sad that people would rather try to justify their cheating than just admit that they are doing something that they know is wrong. I get that no one wants to think of themselves as a bad person, but c'mon having an affair with a married man is just wrong, end of story.

Um, how do you stop? Stop answering the damn phone for one. Block it. Delete it. Go get see a therapist. Have some accountability for your actions because, unless you're positively sure that the wifes know and is okay with an open relationship, you have to stop. Besides the fact that he is married, why be in a relationship with a man that is showing you, if not his true colors, some of them that highlight his lack of morality.

Maybe I just don't understand this!?
You're lonely... So, get a dog...
You want sex... you're a woman, it can't be that hard... (and don't say 'well Im not gonna just go for anyone', because you already are... somebody else's someone!?

I am not married and I truly disrespect those who sleep with married men.
I do come from a broken home and know what it is like when the parents are not together!

You really want to mess up a poor innocent child due to your selfish sexual desires!?
Think about this... Even if there are no children in the picture... what gives you the right to damage one woman's life...??