Dear E. Jean,
I am at my wit’s end — seriously. In the last ten months I’ve been dumped by three guys. The first was a long term boyfriend. The second was I guy I really liked and had been seeing for two months and he just stopped calling. (I never saw it coming!) The third, ok, I admit it, he was a hookup, we saw each other three Thursday nights in a row, he’s INCREDIBLY hot! But all he wants to do is hookup and last week when I arrived at a party, he LEFT!! My self esteem is on the floor. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I find a good guy?
I’m pretty, I’m funny, I’m nice, I volunteer, I give money to charity, where is my true love? I try and meet nice guys, I’ve signed up for Match.com and True.com, I ask my friends to fix me up, please help!! I’m going to a speed dating event this Sunday, can you give me some pointers? — No Man’s Land
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No Man, My Muffin,
Now, now, darling. Three guys? Three guys are nothing. If it had been thirty guys, I would have been concerned, but three? Phoo. You are waaaaay too frantic — because if all you think about are guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys guys, you never will find love.
What to do?
Unman yourself, clear your head, and glory in yourself.
For the next seven days you will not speed date, Match Date, True Date, or eat Fig Newtons which contain dates. You will not think about men, dream about men, or feel badly because you don’t “have” a man. You will go everywhere, do everything, try everything, live your life; but you will not bat so much as a left eyelash in the direction of anything that possesses a testicle anywhere on its body.
That’s right. You are going to enter Man-Frenzy Detox. No chaps for seven days.
You will wear only Donna Karen (Vivian Westwood, Stella McCartney, Vera Wang, etc.) and leave the Calvin, Ralph, and the boys in the closet. The paintings you contemplate will be by Frankenthaler, O’Keefe, and Cassatt. You will watch only videos shot by women on YouTube, listen only to Madonna (Mariah, Miley, Rihanna etc, etc), and watch Oprah (not Phil), Katie not Charlie, Paula, not Simon. Needless to say you will not read Dickens. If you bake a cake, it will be Betty Crocker!
You need to blot the Y chromosome from your brain.
I realize it will be difficult, but seven days of a Dude-Free existence will quickly reveal how clever and centered you can be — how full of color and nuance and energy you are when your thoughts are not wrapped around men.
On the eighth day you may venture forth into the world of blokes again — stronger, smarter, more self-assured. Then you may consider speed-dating.